Sunday, November 30, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week?



We beat the Rams. Nice. 3 ints by Marc Bulger and we beat the Rams by 4. Cool. We won.

Now that we have that out of the way. The Patriots also got spanked today by the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Wrath Of The Football Gods. The Jets also got smushed by the lowly Bronocs. I guess the Broncos lead their division but they still suck. I watched the Broncos-Jets game with a Brett Favre fan and some of the absolute shit that comes out of his mouth regarding Favre is legendary. Incidentally here's some things I saw Brett Favre do that proves he's the best ever:

  • Once there was a panda bear that wouldn't have sex with any other panda bears to ensure their species lived on. So Brett Favre had sex with the panda and made new baby pandas that had a penchant for throwing debilitating interceptions. That's how good Brett Favre is.
  • I once saw Brett Favre waterski using sharks as the waterskis. That's how good Brett Favre is.
Fuck the Jets.


I Love The Chosen One



This song has been stuck in my head for many moons. From "The Mighty Boosh" which you should check out.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Tom Green Is Doing Just Fine



Remember when Tom Green was really popular? For all we know he wasn't actually in this picture and just photoshopped himself in there to appear relevant. Nah, who am I kidding he totally parties with T-Pain all the time. As an aside, I really like T-Pain. Not his music per se but the mofo is bringing back cool top hats. The world is a crazy place right now and I for one have always said top hats are the solution to all the world's problems.

Album Review: Britney Spears - Circus



First things first: "Circus" is no "Blackout." Got it? Good. That being said this album is decent. It's a combination of some danceable songs and a few ballads. It actually sounds like a combination of her "Blackout" stuff with the Britney Spears of days gone by. The production is solid for the majority of the album (as though we would expect anything less from a Spears' album) but it doesn't have that extra something that propelled "Blackout" into super sleeper awesome status. The title track, "Circus" is good but not great. "Kill the Lights" sounds like it wants to be something special but ends up just being an OK song. My favorite track is definitely, "Lace and Leather." That shit just bumps, unfortunately it's the shortest track on the album. I also kinda fuck with, "Unusual You" not sure why, but I do. I don't know I just expected a whole lot more from this album and I ultimately end up feeling like it let me down. Granted, I haven't tested the album out while inebriated but it definitely is a step back from "Blackout." The irony is that this album will probably end up doing much better commercially than "Blackout" mainly due to the fact that Britney went insane and did no promo for "Blackout" when it was coming out. Ah well.

Official HardPeaches Rating: 5.9/10

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Creepiest Music Video Of All Time



Ummmm. Just a few things. Why are they singing this song to that little black kid? Why do they look like that? Is this our first true glimpse into the realm of Hades?

I Want To Be This Guy



I'm a dreamer. I wanted to be a Wolf when I was five. Unfortunately, that never really panned out for me. Now 20 years later I have a new dream. I want to be this guy. His spins, his moves, his suits. Yes.

Thanksgiving



Thanksgiving is definitely my favorite holiday. Granted, as a Jew I don't get Christmas which I hear is pretty awesome. But real talk how can you complain about a holiday that always falls on a Thursday (hello 3 day work week) involves copious amounts of food and a solid 8 hours of football? You can't. It's impossible. I hope you all have an awesome Thanksgiving and save me a drumstick.

What's Matt Light Up To?



Hey look who it is. It's Channing Crowder helping out needy families. Yeah he and a ton of other Miami Dolphins players chose to give back to the community this week and helped out the less fortunate to make sure they had food for Thanksgiving. What a class act. I wonder what Matt Light is up to? Probably raping seals. The NFL still hasn't announced any suspensions for the insane head bashing Matt Light engaged in this past Sunday. The NFL is super shady and crazy anyway when it comes to the Patriots. They let them get away with cheating for God knows how long and clearly have no problem holding them to some convoluted double standard. Whatever, the Football Gods do not stand for these type of shenanigans. Fuck you Matt Light.


P.S.

If some joker tries to point out that Matt Light started a foundation save your breath. We all know that's just a ruse for his fight against the fight to stop AIDS. Dick.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Where The Hell Is My Flying Car?


I saw this story today and it got me thinking. So we can make water out of thin air in the near future but I can't get a fucking flying car up in this piece? Wtf. For years we've been promised flying cars. We're all sick of traffic, let's just open up the vertical space we got going on. Stop worrying about how to ensure the whole world has clean fresh water on which to survive and get me a whip that can haul ass 80 feet above the ground. Flying cars bitches.

What To Say?



This is up there with the "Jesus Is My Friend" clip. Amazing.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Eulogy



This was a weird fucking movie but also pretty good. It's got Zooey Deschanel in it which is always a good thing. "Eulogy" is a dark comedy and for the most part it's done really well. There are definitely some pretty corny parts and it lost some of its' edge halfway through but it made me laugh. Hank Azaria is in it and also Jean Grey from X-Men. Also I think I'm a huge Ray Romano fan. Weird. Worth a watch.

Official HardPeaches rating: 6.5/10

Infuriating Dolphins Post Of The Week



Matt Light should be suspended at least 4 games. At least. After ripping off Channing Crowder's head this dumb fuck pulled Crowders' dreadlocks and proceeded to punch him in the head with a closed fist several times. Combine that with some of the worst officiating I've ever seen, several key injuries to the Dolphins and a general lack of class from the Patriots and you have a very frustrating day. You can say I'm making excuses but if you get the chance please watch some of the horrendous calls during that were made in this game. Maybe every team gets this many calls against them and I just don't know. But watch Randy Moss' TD on the left side when they went up 38-28. He was mugging the shit out of Andre Goodman and the motherfucker got the call! Unbelievable. Whatever, fuck it.

Bar Story of the Week


I might as well just make this an official feature since some ridiculous shit happens every week I go to the bar. So there was this douchebag Patriots fan sitting behind me just being a usual smug fucking Patriots fan acting in his smug Patriots fan way. Listen, I get hyped when Miami does something good, I cheer for my team. This guy clearly thought I was rubbing it in so he starts mocking what I'm saying every time the Pats do something. If I went, "Booyah Motherfucker" he would thrown in his own little wack version of, "booyah motherfucker" too. Annoying, but bearable. Then the little nerdnuts starts clapping when Matt Light starts beating the fuck out of Channing Crowder's head. Mind you, this is the same guy who's making comments throughout the game like, "Oh, I hate it when people cheer when someone gets injured." By the way, the play where I cheered when someone got "injured" it was obvious Wes Welker just got popped and wasn't seriously hurt. Don't give me that moral highroad bullshit. So when Matt Light started going fucking berserker on Channing I may or may not have yelled out, "Matt Light sucks fat fucking cock and I hope he dies." Might have. This guy apparently took offense to that statement. So he starts trying to say some shit and I turn around and I call him a racist. Trust me, at the time it made perfect sense to me. And let me tell you this guy reacted to that comment like a racist would react to a comment like that. Regardless, then he called me Spanish. What the fuck? What does that even mean? Anyways, I think he totally wanted to kick my ass but like most of the bar accepts my antics and had my back. So I guess the moral of the story is Matt Light is a huge racist and eats babies covered in BBQ sauce.

I was also thinking if anyone ever did the same shit to me that I do to other fans I would go ape-shit and attack them immediately. I guess that makes me the asshole.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Torso on a Bike

I saw one of the weirdest things I've ever seen today. I was outside getting something from the store at work when I saw a guy on a bike. Yes, I'm aware that's completely normal and not weird. What was weird is that in front of him there was a person with no arms or legs. That's right it was just a torso and he was propped up in front of the regular guy on the bike (he was wearing a helmet though). I did a double-take, then another one, then one more for good measure to make sure that I wasn't just coming down from my daily sugar high. Nope, definitely a torso man. Terrifying.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week


Whoa. I'm pretty sure the Dolphins are trying to make my heart explode. After completely dominating the entire game the Dolphins decided to let the Raiders score a touchdown on a 93 yard punt return by Johnny Lee Higgins. That's a stupid name. Then they made me watch them convert on a 4th and 5 to have a rookie kicker attempt the game winner. I mean a win is a win but how about we chill on the cardiac kid type shit. In case you're hating that's two 2 point wins over 2 win teams the last two weeks (that's a of "two's" in one sentence). The Miami Dolphins are now 6-4 and in second place in the division. Ahead of the Patriots and the Bills. It's New England at home next week for a huge divisional game. Flex?

Bonus Dolphins Story:

So when Joey got that last sack to virtually ice the game I immediately sprung to my feet to do the patented "Joey Boot". First boot attempt went off like a charm. The second one not so much. I completely over-kicked and ate it hard in the dead center of the bar. 20-30 people really seemed to enjoy it though and I'm glad I could provide some extra entertainment. My elbow hurts.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Old School

So, for some reason I decided to log onto MySpace today. Does anyone even use that anymore? Regardless, I found my old blog and it's the same shit I do now just from 3 years ago. So I present to you an old blog post in the form of an IM chat between me and another dork. Yes, I used to do a running recap of each episode of The OC. Yeah.

The OC (aim version)

tonight's OC commentary will be presented via an instant messenger conversation i had with a fellow OC watcher who was unable to catch the first 50 minutes of the show:


ZG (8:51:09 PM): what happened up until now
drwho0720 (8:51:20 PM): at break
ZG (8:51:52 PM): at break what
drwho0720 (8:52:24 PM): commercial
drwho0720 (8:54:21 PM): hahaha (referencing summer's mis-usage of "whomever")
drwho0720 (8:54:26 PM): i can't believe he pointed that out
ZG (8:54:28 PM): haha
ZG (8:54:28 PM): yes
ZG (8:54:31 PM): that was funny
drwho0720 (8:56:06 PM): you didn't miss a great one
drwho0720 (8:56:12 PM): ok
ZG (8:56:15 PM): yeah
drwho0720 (8:56:23 PM): so summer got a 2300? on the sat's
drwho0720 (8:56:25 PM): you can't do that
drwho0720 (8:56:28 PM): but they acted like you could
ZG (8:56:34 PM): no you can
drwho0720 (8:56:38 PM): how?
ZG (8:56:39 PM): 2400 point sats
drwho0720 (8:56:43 PM): no way
drwho0720 (8:56:45 PM): 1600
ZG (8:56:49 PM): thats what its been for a few years
ZG (8:56:50 PM): come on man
ZG (8:56:54 PM): they added 800 points
drwho0720 (8:56:55 PM): not when we took it?
ZG (8:56:58 PM): oc is ultra realistic
drwho0720 (8:56:59 PM): really?
ZG (8:57:01 PM): of course not when we took it
drwho0720 (8:57:01 PM): that's bullshit
drwho0720 (8:57:14 PM): fuck that
drwho0720 (8:57:19 PM): i want out of 2400 points
drwho0720 (8:57:21 PM): fuck that
drwho0720 (8:57:23 PM): well anyways
drwho0720 (8:57:27 PM): she decided to apply to brown
drwho0720 (8:57:29 PM): and seth got mad
ZG (8:57:37 PM): y
drwho0720 (8:57:43 PM): because brown usually only takes one person from harbor
drwho0720 (8:57:49 PM): so
drwho0720 (8:57:54 PM): it's kind of dick by summer
ZG (8:57:55 PM): whoah
ZG (8:58:00 PM): i mean it is what it is
drwho0720 (8:58:06 PM): hahaha
drwho0720 (8:58:09 PM): well that's that situation
ZG (8:58:14 PM): ok
drwho0720 (8:58:26 PM): johnny told marissa he loves her while under the influence of vicadin
drwho0720 (8:58:45 PM): because he slipped and fell on a glass he broke when he lost his balance with the crutches
drwho0720 (8:58:51 PM): which was pretty funny
drwho0720 (8:58:58 PM): so there's that
drwho0720 (8:59:09 PM): and julie and kirsten started a catering party planning thing
drwho0720 (8:59:21 PM): but this guy just payed 5000 bucks to go on a private house date with julie
ZG (8:59:28 PM): johnny is just oliver revisited
drwho0720 (8:59:29 PM): so that's their new thing
ZG (8:59:32 PM): thats stupid
drwho0720 (8:59:41 PM): oh and matt
drwho0720 (8:59:44 PM): sandy's new guy
drwho0720 (8:59:52 PM): oh ryan is interning with sandy and matt
drwho0720 (9:00:11 PM): but matt disclosed that his girlfriend who he asked to move with him to the OC and marry him dumped him
drwho0720 (9:00:15 PM): so he went to the strip club
drwho0720 (9:00:17 PM): with ryan
ZG (9:00:26 PM): haha
drwho0720 (9:00:27 PM): and he got fired
drwho0720 (9:00:31 PM): but then sandy re hired him
ZG (9:00:34 PM): for taking ryan to the strip club>?
ZG (9:00:39 PM): thats the whole reason he got fired?
drwho0720 (9:00:40 PM): beause matt like blew this business proposal
ZG (9:00:43 PM): oh ok
drwho0720 (9:00:43 PM): he didn't have figures
drwho0720 (9:00:50 PM): for something sandy specifically asked him to do
drwho0720 (9:00:53 PM): he just burned out
drwho0720 (9:01:15 PM): but this stripper got the people to come back
drwho0720 (9:01:18 PM): because they were clients
drwho0720 (9:01:24 PM): and i think that's it
ZG (9:01:48 PM): johny has a gun in the next episode
drwho0720 (9:02:15 PM): yeah they're going to do something big
drwho0720 (9:02:21 PM): it's chrismikah and everything is normal

by the way, if you read that whole thing and you don't watch the OC i'm really sorry.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Chris Berman Can't Get Enough Of That Haterade


A few pundits are getting a little crazy and picking Miami to win the AFC East. Hey stranger things have happened right? I'm not one of those people saying they're gonna win the division but I'm definitely not ruling it out. However, resident pottymouth Chris Berman has a serious bug up his ass for his pathetic Buffalo Bills and can't stand to see anything good happen to the Dolphins. When asked who could win the AFC East here's what Berman had to say,

“I asked the question who is the best team in the division? My head is telling me New England – expect to win, they know how to win, their coaching is great and they’ve got a lot of guys who won’t accept losing at all. My heart is telling me Buffalo – Yes, I enjoy a team being built, and seeing them, kind of, grow. Though, that’s settling a little bit. But my eyes, from last week, the Jets are an interesting team.”

Oh, so basically you like everyone to win the division except the Dolphins. Way to pick a team fucktard. Sorry we predictably beat your pathetic Bills a few weeks ago but at least try to pull your balding dome out of your pooper long enough to appreciate that the Dolphins have as much of a chance as anyone to win that division. Fucker.

Role Models


I saw this last night and the more I think about it the more I think I like it. Sure there are probably 4-5 too many dick jokes but overall this movie delivered when it clearly could have sucked balls. Rudd and Stiffler (does anyone actually know his real name?) are decent enough but the real stars are the kids and the auxiliary players. Gale Sweeney (that lady from all the mock docs) does a great job and seriously knows how to handle a bagel dog. This review is horrible isn't it? Whatever. Whispering eye.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 7/10.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week

In case you haven't been counting that's three Awesome Dolphins Posts of the Week in a row. It wasn't pretty. It was almost entirely painful to watch but the Dolphins survived a seemingly whole game rally by the hapless Seahawks to win 21-19 today in Miami. I was in Boston this weekend so I caught the game up there. Of course I was a screaming ass for most of the game. People seem to genuinely support us in bars nowadays so that's nice. Ricky Williams was phenomenal rushing for 105 yards on 12 carries, including a 51-yard TD out of the Wildcat formation. Ted Ginn also looked really good even if his stats don't jump off the page. He returned the opening kick for a touchdown but it was called back because of some bullshit face-mask penalty that had nothing to do with the play. We held on when it mattered and I'll fucking take it. 5-4 now right in the thick of the AFC Wildcard race. Wait...what? Sure people could hate and say we just barely survived against a shitty 2-6 Seahawks team, but so what? We won, it counts. You see playoff teams lose to shitty teams all the time in the NFL so a win is a win. Unless you're the Jets and you run up the score against a pathetic Rams team. That's a douchebag win and we all know those are different than regular wins. Classy. We're 500% better than last year through 9 games. Holla atcha boys.

P.S. Joey Porter also had another half sack. Putting him at 12 for the season.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I Like Turtles Too



I'm here for the people. I just had a 16 hour work day and what do I do when I come home? I fucking blog that's what. Dedication "my friends" (said in John McCain tone).

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Brandon Marshall Is A Whiny Bitch


In the aftermath of the Broncos stunning predictable loss to the Dolphins, Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall opened the gaping asshole he calls his mouth to try and talk some shit about Joey Porter.

“Joey Porter is one of those guys who, when you’ve got one of those guys that talk a lot of trash and just want to talk about people or put people down, they have their own insecurities. His insecurities, I don’t know, but he’s definitely one of those guys who, you know, all those muscles are popcorn muscles, he’s soft. We hear stories floating around the league all the time about him you know, in night clubs dancing with his shirt off like a girl or on the playground getting beat up in California. He’s one of those guys that you know, no matter how big he is can get knocked on his butt. He’s soft, he’s soft at heart and you can tell by the way he’s talking. His nickname is Peezy, I don’t know what “Peezy” is, Joey.

Seriously Brandon? I mean, really? Aren't you the same dude who got taken out by a McDonalds bag? And you have the balls to call Peezy soft? Listen, I can understand you're upset that Joey got in your head and totally fucked with you and your supremely overrated quarterback but at least have the intelligence to not call the most dominant pass rusher in the league this season soft. I mean I guess if you meant that he's soft in the sense of the word that he doesn't go around beating up his girlfriends yeah then he's pretty soft. Do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut your mouth you dumb motherfucker. I realize you're going to be an elite receiver, but to date you've done pretty much nothing. Joey has won a superbowl and has gone to the pro bowl three times so far in his career (he's also a lock for it this year). You want to know what "Peezy" is? He's your worst fucking nightmare bitch so shut the fuck up and show some respect.




Monday, November 3, 2008

Who Are You Voting For?


So who are you guys voting for? I know it's somewhat impolite to ask but it's all anonymous here so who cares? I'm voting for Obama. No, not Barack. He's cool but his wife is cooler. That's right, I'm voting for Michelle Obama. In fact I already wrote that in on my absentee ballot. I mean how can you pass on an ass like that, nawaddameen? So who are you voting for? Poll.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week

Hey, I could get used to this winning stuff. Feeling pretty good right now. Very solid victory. I was a little surprised how ineffective our running game was considering how bad the Broncos were against the run coming in, but whatever. The best thing about this game is how we shut down Denver's receivers. Brandon Marshall was completely shut down. Definitely did not see that one coming. Jason Allen stepped up and played very well helping out with an interception. Will Allen also had a pick six. And of course Peezy got a sack. That's 11.5 on the season for Joey. He's clearly the emotional leader of the team at this point. As well he should be considering the way he was jawing and hollering at the Broncos the whole game how can you not rally around the dude? Oh and don't overlook our rush defense. Denver had 14 yards on the ground the entire game. Yeah. Listen we're 4-4 right now. If the Patriots lose tonight we'll be one game behind every team in the division. Plus we have a 2-1 divisional record. Also, take a look at our upcoming games:

  • Seattle at home
  • Oakland at home
  • New England at home
  • At St. Louis
  • At Buffalo
  • San Francisco at home
  • At Kansas City
  • At New York Jets
All I'm saying is, we should and can win at least 5 of those games. That puts us at 9 wins. Before the season that record was unfathomable. Now it's just idealistic hoping. I'll take it. Watch out NFL the Dolphins are on the upswing.