Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Seeya Later John Beck


Well as the saying goes you win some and you lose some. Also, sometimes Cam Cameron (I call him the Gobbler) is your head coach and makes your favorite team draft a 26-year old Mormon with a 2nd round pick. The Miami Dolphins cut ties with their former 2nd round pick John Beck April 27. I will be the first one to admit I was convinced John Beck was going to be the savior of the Dolphins. I was drinking the kool-aid that year. Trent Green would be awesome and then seamlessly hand over the reigns to John Beck midway through the season. Thank the heavens that the football Gods do not curse the Dolphins like they do other teams. Sure we went 1-15 the year Beck was drafted and Cleo Lemon was far and away our best QB but that led to The Gobbler getting fired and Parcells, Ireland, and Sparano coming in to help turn things around.

John Beck represents a lot of things to me. Not only is he one of the last remaining ties to the Cam Cameron era Beck gave me a glimpse of what several years of constant mismanagement and ineptitude can do to a fan's psyche. I was ready to believe that John Beck was the answer to all of the Dolphins woes. Now I kind of know why Lions, Redskins, Jets, Bears, and Browns fans think the way they do. When you're bad for so long you lose all perspective. You can see other teams doing succesful things but it's still so easy to get suckered in to believing that a move that you know isn't going to help the team might actually end up saving your team. It's a terrible affliction and I truly sympathize with fans of those teams...to an extent.

The Dolphins going 11-5 last year was the most miraculous season of my Dolphins loving life. It completely restored my faith in the game of football and coupled with the Patriots going 18-1 the year before was just a marvelous indicator that there are certain unalterable rules that can't be broken. I picked the Miami Dolphins as my favorite team because when I was a kid I was intrigued by the legends of Dolphins past (Csonka, Griese, '72 team) while simultaenously I was able to watch Dan Marino and Don Shula dominate teams. Let me put this in perspective a little more. The Dolphins have a total of FIVE losing season since the merger in 1970. THREE of those losing seasons came in the past five years. Think about that. To see the Dolphins go 1-15 was beyond painful and was the culmination of a team that didn't know what it was doing for about 5-6 years. Cutting ties with a major player from that year in Beck represents a whole hell of a lot more to me than just wasting a second round pick. It represents that I team I love and will love forever is finally back on track. It's a good feeling.

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Chicago Larry Shows Up


This was a great reunion special. We learned that Ray J and Cocktail are still together, which is bizarre to me. We found out Danger isn't pregnant with Ray J's baby. We also got more confirmation that Unique is the worst via an awesome audience member (or Ray J girl?) who yelled out "least she got paid for it" when Unique was trying to talk shit about Danger being a prostitiute. Amen. Chardonnay admitted that she still has feelings for Ray J which is awkward because Ray J won't just admit that he's not that in to her. Although, he did pull out the best explanation of now how they're off the show and he can have sex free from shame. Even the audience applauded him on that one. The best part of the night was when Chicago Larry came out and had to sit there awkwardly explaining how it's just about "business" with Caviar. Yeah, business Larry, I read you loud and clear. Oh yeah and Cashmere was looking niiiiiice. Shouldn't be too long before Ray J 2 comes along.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Many Different Races Enjoy Popeye's Fried Chicken



Just not in this news segment. Real talk though, I'd be heated too if Popeye's pulled some bullshit like this when I rolled up ready to crush some perfectly seasoned Popeye's chicken. The real question is, did they run out of biscuits too? That's when it's time to start going ape-shit.

P.S.

It's get free chicken day at KFC but we all know KFC is to Popeyes as Soccer is to Football*





*Real Football non of that pansy running around a field for 90 minutes bullshit.

Viennetta


You know what today is? Today is the day I kick it old school over at Hard Peaches and actually write about shit. Yeah you remember, back when Hard Peaches was just getting started and people didn't complain that all I do is post videos?

I figure I'll get the day started with an excellent dessert treat that a lot of people don't seem to remember. Show of hands, how many of you ever fucked with Viennetta? When I was younger this was the holy grail of frozen desserts (yes that's a thing). It's an ice cream cake chocolate delicious yummy awesome thing that seriously used to rock my world. I was randomly reminded of it yesterday because I brought up my oh so popular opinion that cakes aren't so great and that if I have to eat a cake ice-cream cakes are the way to go. They are by the way. I don't know if they still make Viennetta but if they do, do yourself a favor and check it out, you can thank me later with some Viennetta.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Your Redman MTV Cribs Of The Day




Baaaaaaallin!*





*people are still saying that right?

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon


Yes, I am aware this is the worst show to ever be put on TV (late night or otherwise) but please let me explain. A band I thoroughly enjoy, Chester French, were performing and the tickets were free so I went with a good friend to a taping of the show.

So you get to 30 Rock and let me tell you about this place. It fucking sucks. It's huge and it's hot and they have this weird no idling policy for people waiting to see tapings. What this means is you can't lean for a second anywhere or a security guard will come up and ask you what you're doing and tell you to keep walking around. Me and my friend (whatup SK!) ended up walking around for about 20 minutes before they finally let us into these weird designated holding areas. This was the worst part of the whole experience. For about an hour we were cooped up with weirdos who asked questions like, "So have you ever seen the show? Because I have I watch it every night, it's the best show ever." I mean, thanks for the heads up that you're officially insane but I'm just gonna continue to fan myself with this free coupon for Top Of The Rock. We finally get into the show and of course in there it's like hte inside of a butcher's freezer. Some douchey warm-up guy comes and is predictably douchey and then the show starts. Let me say this, it's worth the price of admission (free) to go to a taping of this show just for The Roots. Fucking awesome. Still to this day the band or artists I've seen more than anyone and I just added another notch to the belt. The guests were Jeremy O'Connel who's officially delusional and Thomas Lennon from "The State" and "Reno 911. Lennon was kinda funny and he talked about "The State" coming out on DVD which is excellent news. There were a few lame segments that Jimmy Fallon does who is by far the most nervous host of anything ever. Then the band came out and since we were in the special "band bench" section we got to go behind the band and dance and have a good time. Before we went up there they encouraged us to just dance and show enthusiasm. The second thing I have no problem with, when it comes to dancing as reported on this blog close to its' inception I have a problem with. I'm a horrible dancer but somehow the guy in front of me was worse. Incredible. So yeah, the show sucks, I tried to re-watch some of it last night but man it was just terrible. At least if you're there you enjoy it because you know you can't go anywhere.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 6.7/10

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

BBQ And Foot Massage



A perfect marriage.

[blatantly stolen from Barstool Sports]

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Weak



Anti-climactic. That's all I'm gonna say. I almost nailed this one but Ray J decided to go with Cocktail over the obvious choice of no one. Due to a foolish bet there will be a guest blog on Sunday April 26. I have no control over the situation due to the fact I'm a moron and vehemently denied any possibility of Cocktail taking this. I was getting slightly nervous that Ray J was going to go with Unique (I can even admit she was looking pretty good at the final elimination) but ultimately he realized his solid reputation hanged in the balance. So yeah, I don't have any long recap or anything and there's no power rankings since it's over and no profile of the week. Danger reportedly is getting her own show on VH1 so that should be awesome. It's been real.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Most Dangerous Animal: The Slow Loris



Say hello to the admittedly adorable Slow Loris. Super awesome when getting tickled, I know. Here's how they getcha. The Slow Loris releases poison from its' elbows then licks the poison then bites which causes severe swelling. I'm not sure if it's fatal but I'm going to naturally assume that it is. Just watch out is all I'm saying. Here's more proof:

Exclusive: Chester French Interview



I recently had a chance to talk with the guys from Chester French who's debut album drops April 21. In a lighthearted and earnest conversation the guys talk about Twitter, their VIP Concierge service for fans and the age-old question of who wins in a fight, Gorilla vs. Bear?

You may or may not have heard the name Chester French bandied about recently. That's not important. What is important is that you pay attention to Chester French. You might be asking yourself hey guy who is Chester French? Good question, I'll answer it because I'm nice like that. No, it's not a fantastical cartoon character who wears suspenders and has a curly mustache like you thought it was. Chester French is a band made up of members D.A. Wallach and Max Drummey. Signed to Pharrell Williams' label, Star Trak, the group is seemingly on a collision course with awesomeness. Their debut album "Love The Future" hits stores April 21 and based on the mixtape they released this past week (for free!) it's sure to be redonk. Hard Peaches recently had a chance to talk to the guys about topics ranging from how they see services like Twitter helping artists reach their audience, their esteemed concierge VIP service, and even their favorite animals and colors. Here's some of the things the guys from Chester French were kind enough to reveal:

HP: First guys, I want to say great job on Jacques Jams Voume 1: Endurance (the groups free mixtape). How was it working with Clinton Sparks and the seemingly endless amount of featured artists?

Chester French: Awesome.

HP: Let's talk about services like Twitter and how you see them helping artists such as yourselves reach fans and potential fans?

D.A.: Well, music should be a communal experience. We're trying to bring people together through a common thread and that's our music. Twitter is just one of the way we can reach people. We also have a Concierge Service on our website www.chesterfrench.com that allows people to sign up and receive exclusive content and invites to special parties. The way we look at is the people who support us know truly are VIP's.

HP: No doubt. It's definitely refreshing to see artists taking an active interest in their fans and supporters. I read that you named your band after the sculptor Daniel Chester French. Why?

D.A.: We thought it was a cool name.

HP: That's a good reason. As people may or may not know you guys went to Harvard and formed your band there. How did you find the Boston music scene and how were you received in general.

D.A.: We played to a lot of empty bars and clubs. We weren't really received that well in Boston, when we went underground and started working is when we found a lot of things happening.

HP: I'm obligated to ask what instruments you guys play?

Max: I play Guitar, Bass and Keys well. I can pretty much hack it on any instrument except woodwinds.

D.A.: I sing and can play drums.

HP: Cool. Who are some of artists that you guys are currently listening to?

Chester French: Eric Satie (a French minimalist composer) and The Talking Heads.

HP: What's the last song you guys listened to?

Chester French: "Get By" by Talib Kweli. We performed it live last night with Talib and it was great.

HP: Awesome, the Nina Simone sample in that song is killer. Now to find out some more about you guys as people, the questions everybody wants to know. What's your favorite color, animal, and great lake.

D.A.: My favorite color is purple. I really like Elephants but also the Bengal Tiger. And my favorite Great Lake is Lake Michigan because I live on it.

Max: My favorite color is brown...obviously. My favorite animal is a Human and my favorite great lake is the Atlantic Ocean.

HP: Alright, now the people know. Few more questions. Who would win a fight: a gorilla or a bear, assuming they were of equal size and stature.

D.A. (pause) Bear. I mean, bears have claws and they're really fast and they're bigger.

HP: Assume they're equal in size.

Max: It's gotta be a Bear, just their claws and speed...although a Silverback Gorilla is pretty bad.

HP: Don't underestimate the intelligence factor of the Gorilla.

Chester French: (The general consensus was Bear wins)

HP: Can you talk about the creative process for your debut album "Love The Future"

Chester French: We just played a lot of Twister and vibed off that.

HP: That's exactly what I imagined it to be. Last question, are you guys fans of any particular sports teams?

Chester French: As our mixtape Jacques Jams Volume 1: Endurance shows we're a fan of all athletics. It's all about getting your endurance up.

HP: Hahaha, nice. Thanks guys for your time, it's appreciated and best of luck with the new album.

Chester French: Thanks.

While the guys were modest and tolerant of some of the odder questions it's clear that Chester French are employing a grass-roots strategy of reaching out to fans and supporters and making them feel welcome. That combined with the quality of their music seems to be a recipe for success. With innovative marketing strategies and unprecedented accessibility Chester French are creating quite the buzz from within the music industry. It seems only natural that type of enthusiasm will extend to music fans far and wide. Here's wishing the best for the guys from Chester French although I must insist that a gorilla can take a bear in a no-holds barred grudge match.

The Body Snake Commercial Wants Your Innocence



I saw this the other night in not the most lucid state of mind so I gave the commercial a pass and assumed that I was probably making something out of nothing. I was wrong. So, so wrong. I'm sorry if you're so fat that you need a special tool to reach parts of your body investing in a $20 "Body Snake" might not be the best way to spend your money (Hint: Gym, Vegetables, Not Being Gross Classes). Who is responsible for having a naked fat guy sell this thing? That person sucks. Big time.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Joel Bauer AKA "The Business Card Guy"



I'm sure by now many of you have see "The Business Card Guy." I didn't post that on here because you can pretty much find it anywhere. You like how I link to your site JB and then turnaround and fire shots? Nice, I know. Anyway, his name is Joel Bauer and I think he's pretty much figured out the key to life as evidenced by this video. It's all in the camera work people.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Yeah Guy, Mario Puzzi Who Works In The Library. Exactly.



Look at Bill O'Reilly getting his reporting on. Go head Bill. Alos, I love Howard Phillips the "Fun Club" president. I think he should just cut the bullshit and just wear "Pedophile" on a name-tag.

Hey Let's Go To Cleveland



Turns out Cleveland actually does rock.

Monday, April 13, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Bonus Clips


It was just bonus clips and extended footage this week on Ray J. That's not to say it wasn't still good though. We learned that Feisty and Cocktail had a little confrontation going and that Cocktail cries a lot. Which brings me to what I think is the biggest insight of this episode. When they were going through Cocktail's crying montage there was a shot of her crying in front of the house at night. That shot is the shot they use when people get eliminated. If this is in fact the case it shoots a whole in my entire Danger-Unique mutual destruction theory. Since I still think Danger is gonna go home this week (self-imposed) that means that Unique wins? I can't live in a world where that's allowed to happen. It's the equivalent of the Patriots going 19-0. It just can't happen. The "For The Love Of Ray J" Gods will not stand for that! Here's a clip of Tom Green freaking everyone out because he's weird. How the fuck did he go out with Drew Barrymore?




Week 10 Power Rankings

1. Cocktail - I'm going to pretend I didn't see her crying outside of the house post-elimination. I have to...

2. Unique - All the girls impersonated her maniacal laugh. That should tell you something.

3. Danger - Please Don't Go (c) Stevie Wonder


No profile of the week this week because I don't consider this a real episode.

R.I.P. Harry Kalas


In case you didn't hear Harry Kalas the Philadelphis Phillies play-by-play announcer died today. He was also the guy who's done all of our favorite NFL narrations ever. He had been with NFL films since 1975. His voice means something to me and many others and always will. Here's a tribute to the man with the golden voice:





Oh yeah, in your face with that clip Patriots.

Bollywood Cosby Show Is The Truth



Sure we all loved the original Cosby Show opening but we were always thinking you know this really needs more of a Bollywood influence. Our wishes have been answered.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I Immediately Regret This Decision



In Germany at a Berlin Zoo some crazy lady decided to jump into the polar bear exhibit and frolic with polar bears. Because that seems like a completely logical and sane thing to do. She swam towards the bears during FEEDING TIME and was all happy and joyful because she was about to go play with the cutesy wootsy bear bears. It was all fun and games until the bears immediately decided to bite and try to eat her. She was rescued eventually by being pulled up by a life vest but not before her fat ass broke the first line. I say the next time someone jumps into a bear pit we just let nature do its thing. Here's some pics:


"Hey, look at me! This gonna be awesome and is no way a terrible idea!"

"This is just like the Kingdom of Caring. I hope this is Funshine Bear!"

"AGHHHHH, turns out it was Gumpy Bear!! Where is his rainy cloud? If only I had known!!!"

Monday, April 6, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Danger, She Smashed The Homey



Again, this show is like an avalanche. It just keeps growing and growing in its never ending quest for awesomeness. This week we have the three girls left (Cocktail, Danger, and Unique) meeting Ray J's family and friends. Gotta say Danger was at a serious disadvantage here. No, not because of the tattoo on her face but because Ray J's friends hate her because she fucked a mutual friend and went on a date with his producer. She wasn't in the wrong but some random girl got all in her face. To make matters worse Tom Green got a cipher going where they all chanted "Danger! She smashed the homey!" Not good for business. Luckily for her Lil B totally has her back because Lil B is great.

Ray J's parents showed up and each girl kinda freaked out in her own special way. Unique wouldn't shut up about how awesome and conservative she was. Cocktail had an "outer body" experience and forgot how to make words. And Danger kinda zapped out and got emotional. Mom Dukes decided that no girl was good enough for Ray J and that confused Ray J. When it came time for eliminations Ray J felt like he didn't have enough information so he chose not to eliminate anybody. Yeah, he can do that. All in all it was a solid episode and we had Danger freaking out at the end because she doesn't want Ray J to meet her family. I think unfortunately that's gonna get the best of her and she's gonna excuse herself from the competition.


Week 10 Power Rankings

1. Cocktail - I think she's gonna take this one. If and only if Danger steps out next week.

2. Unique - Don't let her being ahead of Danger fool you. She's the loser in this whole thing because it's gonna come down to her and Cocktail.

3. Danger - I feel like she's gonna bow out because of the family shit.

Profile of the Week


Ray J's Parents


(Photo not of Ray J's actual parents)


Strengths:

-Well, Mama Norwood was pretty observant
-Papa Norwood wore a bluetooth.

Weaknesses:

-None, they've raised the perfect son.

Breakdown:

I think it's clear who runs this family. I loved how Ray J's dad ranked all the girls but then changed his rankings to no one after Ray J's mom said none of the girls was right for him.

Penis Day In Japan

So yesterday was some kind of penis festival in Japan? I can hear what you're thinking, "Enough with the words you awesome wordsmith and make with the pictures." Your wish is my command:



Friday, April 3, 2009

Picture of the Day

That's Racist!



Leave it to the Japanese to continue their never ending quest to be super racist. Damn, this is much worse than the blackface Barack Obama and Louis Armstrong. And why the fuck is he sleeping on a toothbrush? What does this even have to do with toothpaste?

Thursday, April 2, 2009