I Think I Might...

I designed these myself. Not a whole lot going on except reppin' strong here. I like this shoe but I'm as of yet undecided.

Seeya Later John Beck

Well as the saying goes you win some and you lose some. Also, sometimes Cam Cameron (I call him the Gobbler) is your head coach and makes your favorite team draft a 26-year old Mormon with a 2nd round pick. The Miami Dolphins cut ties with their former 2nd round pick John Beck April 27. I will be the first one to admit I was convinced John Beck was going to be the savior of the Dolphins. I was drinking the kool-aid that year. Trent Green would be awesome and then seamlessly hand over the reigns to John Beck midway through the season. Thank the heavens that the football Gods do not curse the Dolphins like they do other teams. Sure we went 1-15 the year Beck was drafted and Cleo Lemon was far and away our best QB but that led to The Gobbler getting fired and Parcells, Ireland, and Sparano coming in to help turn things around.

John Beck represents a lot of things to me. Not only is he one of the last remaining ties to the Cam Cameron era Beck gave me a glimpse of what several years of constant mismanagement and ineptitude can do to a fan's psyche. I was ready to believe that John Beck was the answer to all of the Dolphins woes. Now I kind of know why Lions, Redskins, Jets, Bears, and Browns fans think the way they do. When you're bad for so long you lose all perspective. You can see other teams doing succesful things but it's still so easy to get suckered in to believing that a move that you know isn't going to help the team might actually end up saving your team. It's a terrible affliction and I truly sympathize with fans of those teams...to an extent.

The Dolphins going 11-5 last year was the most miraculous season of my Dolphins loving life. It completely restored my faith in the game of football and coupled with the Patriots going 18-1 the year before was just a marvelous indicator that there are certain unalterable rules that can't be broken. I picked the Miami Dolphins as my favorite team because when I was a kid I was intrigued by the legends of Dolphins past (Csonka, Griese, '72 team) while simultaenously I was able to watch Dan Marino and Don Shula dominate teams. Let me put this in perspective a little more. The Dolphins have a total of FIVE losing season since the merger in 1970. THREE of those losing seasons came in the past five years. Think about that. To see the Dolphins go 1-15 was beyond painful and was the culmination of a team that didn't know what it was doing for about 5-6 years. Cutting ties with a major player from that year in Beck represents a whole hell of a lot more to me than just wasting a second round pick. It represents that I team I love and will love forever is finally back on track. It's a good feeling.

R.I.P. Harry Kalas

In case you didn't hear Harry Kalas the Philadelphis Phillies play-by-play announcer died today. He was also the guy who's done all of our favorite NFL narrations ever. He had been with NFL films since 1975. His voice means something to me and many others and always will. Here's a tribute to the man with the golden voice:





Oh yeah, in your face with that clip Patriots.

In 18 Years Some Team Other Than The Dolphins Needs To Sign This Kid

Fucking classic.

Brett Favre Retires...Again

Quick! Name a way you can waste 12 million dollars? If you don't know just call up the Jets and they'll tell you. Brett Favre informed the Jets today that he will retire (again). What this probably means is that he'll go play for the Vikings or some other NFC North team so he can stick it to the people who supported him for 16 years. Has there ever been a better example of a wolf in sheep's clothing than Brett Favre? The guy gets built up as though he's the greatest human being ever and for what? Because he throws a lot of interceptions? Or maybe because he was addicted to pills? Or maybe because he held his former team hostage for 3 straight seasons? Or whas it that time he completely ruined the Jets? Well ruined them more. I guess we can't totally blame him for fucking up the Jets. To be fair to him they're in a constant state of fuckedupness. Anyways, good riddance to you Brett Favre. Take your shuckster, sadsack routine somewhere else. I'm sure your whole fucking family secretely despises you and is loathing the fact you're gonna be around now since publicly you're the biggest two-timing hypcocrite ever. It's only natural that you would carry that into your personal life. Peace bitch, it's been real.

Retrospectively This Is Very Creepy

Don't know how convincing his relaxation technique is.

Marshawn Lynch Is Kinda Sorta Awesome

Gotta give it to Marshawn here. Credit where credit is due. I dislike many things about the Buffalo Bills but today Marshawn has truly earned my respect. Here is Marshawn Lynch's Sporting News profile.

Superbowl XLIII/Puppy Bowl V

The Superbowl kicks off this Sunday which I all know we're super jazzed up for. I defy you to find a blog that uses the words Superbowl and jazzed up in the same sentence. That's why I get paid the big bucks. Anyways, this years Superbowl pits the Pittsburgh Steelers (see what I did there?) against the Arizona Cardinals. Let me break this down for you. The Steelers have a ruthless defense with the league's Defensive MVP, a QB who has already won a championship and an excellent headcoach. The Cardinals have perhaps the games' best receiver in Larry Fitzgerald and God on their side (see: Kurt Warner). Tough call. But in my book Great Defense > God. Therefore, I like the Steelers by a score of 27-19. It won't be as close as that score indicates, Arizona will score a bullshit TD late in the game.

For those who aren't avid football fans let me direct your attention to the wonder that is the Puppy Bowl. The Puppy Bowl is amazing. It's basically 12 hours of continuous footage of puppies running around in a little play thing. It's awesome. Also don't forget the Kitty Halftime show. Here are the starting lineups for Puppy Bowl V. There's no real way to win the Puppy Bowl but if there was my money would be on Charlie Brown the 9 week old Doberman Mix. FTW!

LeBron James Is A Joke

Yesterday they premiered a commercial where LeBron James gets signed by the Cleveland Browns and plays wide receiver for them. That's a dumb concept made even dumber by the fact that the team he's schooling in the commercial is none other than the Miami Dolphins. Seriously? I mean give me a fucking break. I would love for actual LeBron James to suit up and play against us. I would love it! Don't get me wrong LeBron James is a helluva player. Granted, I'm using the words " helluva player" in lieu of the words huge bitch. Fuck LeBron James, fuck the Browns and fuck whoever allowed the Dolphins to be portrayed in such a light (I'm looking at you Mr. Huizenga).

The FedEx Orange Bowl

Florida plays Oklahoma tonight to determine the BCS champion. Hooray! Rather than tell you why NCAA football needs a playoff system (it does) I'll just tell you that I don't really give a shit about college football. That being said, here's my breakdown of the game. Tim Tebow is good but I think he's a doofus so he sucks. Sam Bradford is amazing and accurate so he's good. Therefore Oklahoma wins. Happy? No? Fuck you. Granted, the last time I was this apathetic about a BCS title game Texas played USC and that was an incredible game. Who was the MVP of that one? Oh yeah, this guy. So you can see why even though college football has the potential to be interesting even the best players who play in the best games often don't translate into great NFL players. That's fundamentally why it's hard for me to get into college football. Also, I went to a freaking music school where we didn't have a college football team so maybe I'm just a hater. Yup, that's probably the more likely reason.

Why Jeopardy Is Amazing

Two of my favorite things in life are Jeopardy and exposing the Patriots for being classless losers. In the immortal words of McLovin, "I've got a boner."

Miami Dolphins Season Recap

Well our season ended today with a disappointing 27-9 loss to the Baltimore Ravens (who by the way are a great team with about as much class as a Geo Metro). Take it for what it's worth but when you have 5 turnovers and still are in a position to win it in the 4th quarter you're not a bad team. Shit, we weren't supposed to be here. So while I'm not happy we didn't get farther in the playoffs we definitely will be back. Oh and please spare me with all this Parcells leaving bullshit. If he goes, he goes. If he stays, he stays. We'll be fine either way. Honestly and truly if anyone tries to say the Dolphins aren't legit or hate in any conceivable way make sure you don't say that to my face. Not only will it prove you know absolutely nothing about football but it most likely will cause me to lose respect for you as a person. Sports fan or not respect what the Dolphins did this year. If you can't appreciate that then enjoy your miserable existence. Great season guys, it was a blast.

Awesome Dolphins Post Of The Week

Sweet, sweet vindication. I dreamt of this moment every single fucking Sunday last season. Every dreary day at the bar when the outcome was a loss 15 out of 16 weeks. Let me break down what just happened. Not only did the Dolphins just complete the most miraculous turnaround in NFL history, not only did we win the AFC East with a record of 11-5, not only is this sentence going to turn into the longest run-on ever, but we kept the cursed and negative karma laden Patriots at home with an 11-5 record. Enjoy Boston in the winter douchebags. In addition we got Eric Mangini fired and more likely than not ended Brett "Best Thing Since Sliced Bread" Favre's career. This all happened in one day. I cried. I cried twice. Never in all my years of watching football and supporting the Dolphins have I ever experienced the emotion I felt yesterday. It's pure euphoria. I'm sure some of you haters out there are saying to yourselves, "Geez, you just won the division, act like you've been there." To you I say, go fuck yourselves. You have no idea what it's like to win 1 game in a season and then come back and claim the division. No idea. So now we play the Ravens at home next week at 1pm. To be quite honest, I believe Baltimore was the best team we played this year. They thoroughly dominated us and will prove to be an extremely worthy opponent. I hope we can keep it going but no matter what this has been the most magical season of my entire life. Holla atcha boys!!!

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week

Holla atcha boys! Seriously, someone talk some shit. Please, I beg you. Tell us we didn't just win our 10th game of the season. We won one game last year! One fucking game! This was a helluva game and the fact the Dolphins put up 38 in the frigid Kansas City weather is a testament to our MVP. Yeah that's right our MVP, Chad Pennington. Straight beast central. Chad and the Dolphins now have the opportunity to win the AFC East and secure the 3rd seed if we beat the Jets next week in the Meadowlands. Yes I know the Jets lost today to woeful Seattle but anybody who thinks this one is in the bag is fooling themselves. It's gonna be a tough game and I'm hoping like hell we can vindicate ourselves for the atrocious Week 1 loss to the gross Jets. Sure I'll be dissapointed if we don't win and don't make the playoffs but no matter what this has been an amazing season and it reminded me exactly why I root for this team even when they actively and continuosly try to rip my still beating heart out of my chest. Go the fuck ahead!

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week

9-5

Awesome Dolphins Post Of The Week

This was a good one. This is what I like to see. And don't let the score fool you. We should have had another TD but the refs once again decided to call a bullshit penalty. This time on TE Anthony Fasano for a phantom hold on a Ricky Williams touchdown. I don't know if you all think I'm making this shit up or I'm biased but these calls are absolute garbage. It's not even close. Regardless, I'm not gonna complain anymore after such a joyous game. Chad Pennington continued his ridiculously efficient play completing 22 out of 29 passes with a TD while also hitting his last 11 in a row. Will Allen had a clutch interception when the Bills were threatening to score from 1st and Goal from our 3. Granted, we played JP Losman but we held the Bills to under 170 total yards. That's impressive at any level. The Dolphins find themselves tied for the lead in the AFC East with the Jets and Patriots. With 3 games to go it is not outside the realm of possibility that the Dolphins can win the division. I'll temper my expectations but no matter what happens, this season has been incredible. Of course ESPN has decided not to talk about the most remarkable single season turnaround in NFL history. Oh and I'd love to hear Chris Berman's thoughts about who's going to finish last in the divison now? Dumb muthafucka can suck it.

Bonus Bar Story of the Week

I just want to give a shout out to my boy Leroy who is just a classy classy Bills fan. He put up with my antics like a champion. Even when I got up and started actin' a fool after Will Allen's interception he didn't bat an eyelash. Leroy has got to be in his 50's or older and is just a cool mofo. This dude went to Buffalo last week to watch his Bills lose to the 49ers 10-3. Yowza. The chances of him reading this blog are probably hovering around zero to zero percent but his awesomeness should not go unrecognized. No 13-3 this year Leroy but the Bills are still the best of the losers.

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week?

We beat the Rams. Nice. 3 ints by Marc Bulger and we beat the Rams by 4. Cool. We won.

Now that we have that out of the way. The Patriots also got spanked today by the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Wrath Of The Football Gods. The Jets also got smushed by the lowly Bronocs. I guess the Broncos lead their division but they still suck. I watched the Broncos-Jets game with a Brett Favre fan and some of the absolute shit that comes out of his mouth regarding Favre is legendary. Incidentally here's some things I saw Brett Favre do that proves he's the best ever:

• Once there was a panda bear that wouldn't have sex with any other panda bears to ensure their species lived on. So Brett Favre had sex with the panda and made new baby pandas that had a penchant for throwing debilitating interceptions. That's how good Brett Favre is.
  
• I once saw Brett Favre waterski using sharks as the waterskis. That's how good Brett Favre is.

Fuck the Jets.

What's Matt Light Up To?

Hey look who it is. It's Channing Crowder helping out needy families. Yeah he and a ton of other Miami Dolphins players chose to give back to the community this week and helped out the less fortunate to make sure they had food for Thanksgiving. What a class act. I wonder what Matt Light is up to? Probably raping seals. The NFL still hasn't announced any suspensions for the insane head bashing Matt Light engaged in this past Sunday. The NFL is super shady and crazy anyway when it comes to the Patriots. They let them get away with cheating for God knows how long and clearly have no problem holding them to some convoluted double standard. Whatever, the Football Gods do not stand for these type of shenanigans. Fuck you Matt Light.


P.S.

If some joker tries to point out that Matt Light started a foundation save your breath. We all know that's just a ruse for his fight against the fight to stop AIDS. Dick.

Infuriating Dolphins Post Of The Week

Matt Light should be suspended at least 4 games. At least. After ripping off Channing Crowder's head this dumb fuck pulled Crowders' dreadlocks and proceeded to punch him in the head with a closed fist several times. Combine that with some of the worst officiating I've ever seen, several key injuries to the Dolphins and a general lack of class from the Patriots and you have a very frustrating day. You can say I'm making excuses but if you get the chance please watch some of the horrendous calls during that were made in this game. Maybe every team gets this many calls against them and I just don't know. But watch Randy Moss' TD on the left side when they went up 38-28. He was mugging the shit out of Andre Goodman and the motherfucker got the call! Unbelievable. Whatever, fuck it.

Bar Story of the Week

I might as well just make this an official feature since some ridiculous shit happens every week I go to the bar. So there was this douchebag Patriots fan sitting behind me just being a usual smug fucking Patriots fan acting in his smug Patriots fan way. Listen, I get hyped when Miami does something good, I cheer for my team. This guy clearly thought I was rubbing it in so he starts mocking what I'm saying every time the Pats do something. If I went, "Booyah Motherfucker" he would thrown in his own little wack version of, "booyah motherfucker" too. Annoying, but bearable. Then the little nerdnuts starts clapping when Matt Light starts beating the fuck out of Channing Crowder's head. Mind you, this is the same guy who's making comments throughout the game like, "Oh, I hate it when people cheer when someone gets injured." By the way, the play where I cheered when someone got "injured" it was obvious Wes Welker just got popped and wasn't seriously hurt. Don't give me that moral highroad bullshit. So when Matt Light started going fucking berserker on Channing I may or may not have yelled out, "Matt Light sucks fat fucking cock and I hope he dies." Might have. This guy apparently took offense to that statement. So he starts trying to say some shit and I turn around and I call him a racist. Trust me, at the time it made perfect sense to me. And let me tell you this guy reacted to that comment like a racist would react to a comment like that. Regardless, then he called me Spanish. What the fuck? What does that even mean? Anyways, I think he totally wanted to kick my ass but like most of the bar accepts my antics and had my back. So I guess the moral of the story is Matt Light is a huge racist and eats babies covered in BBQ sauce.

I was also thinking if anyone ever did the same shit to me that I do to other fans I would go ape-shit and attack them immediately. I guess that makes me the asshole.

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week

Whoa. I'm pretty sure the Dolphins are trying to make my heart explode. After completely dominating the entire game the Dolphins decided to let the Raiders score a touchdown on a 93 yard punt return by Johnny Lee Higgins. That's a stupid name. Then they made me watch them convert on a 4th and 5 to have a rookie kicker attempt the game winner. I mean a win is a win but how about we chill on the cardiac kid type shit. In case you're hating that's two 2 point wins over 2 win teams the last two weeks (that's a of "two's" in one sentence). The Miami Dolphins are now 6-4 and in second place in the division. Ahead of the Patriots and the Bills. It's New England at home next week for a huge divisional game. Flex?

Bonus Dolphins Story:

So when Joey got that last sack to virtually ice the game I immediately sprung to my feet to do the patented "Joey Boot". First boot attempt went off like a charm. The second one not so much. I completely over-kicked and ate it hard in the dead center of the bar. 20-30 people really seemed to enjoy it though and I'm glad I could provide some extra entertainment. My elbow hurts.