The Olympics

First of all what's going on with that logo guy? I don't know if using an image of a stick person having an epileptic seizure is the best way to make the Olympics seem appealing, but what do I know. Ah yes, the Olympics. Sporting events that no one really cares about played by people who we've never heard of.

Awesome.

 The summer Olympics in my opinion is the inferior of the two games. At least in the winter you get cool stuff like the luge and that one year John Candy got a bobsled team together. The summer games totally blow. And now thanks to all the 24 hour news networks we get more coverage than ever. So now if you want to watch handball or trampoline at 3:31 am you're covered. You might be thinking, "You're being too harsh. The Olympics aren't so awful." Well unfortunately if you think that you're an idiot. I defy anyone to find me 3 legitimately interesting sports. The thing is most of them are tolerable, but that's not a reason to watch a sport. Literally the only reason to tune in for this years' games is to see how China is gonna screw everything up. That country is pretty nuts. Look at this:

What the shit is that? Some fucked up cross between a troll doll and a teletubby is supposed to get me into the Olympics? Smooth moves China, you really won me over with that one. All that being said I'll probably end up watching synchronized swimming or archery for like 3 hours on a Saturday afternoon.

Pause/No Homo

By popular demand (one person counts as popular for this blog) I'm gonna broach the subject of "No Homo" and "Pause." This is fitting because I've actually been dropping this recently and getting a lot of blank stares and confused looks. Aight so, "No Homo" was coined by Cam'Ron (Killa!) a New York rapper. Since then tons of rappers have adopted it and basically made it a fixture in the lexicon of hip hop listeners and artists alike. So when does one use "No Homo?" It's easy. If you say something that can be interpreted as gay but you didn't really mean it like that you use "No Homo." For instance, "I love spotted dick and that guy's eating it all. I'm gonna have to go over there and bust his ass up." You would immediately have to say, "No Homo." This is less to identify that you are in fact not gay and more to acknowledge that you just said something that sounds really gay even though you in no way meant it to be that way. But please, use discretion. You can pretty much interpret anything as being gay if you have it on the brain (no homo). Innuendos are everywhere and if we point out every instance one is made we're never going to get anything done. However, this is a double edged sword. If you're too lax and you don't catch when you say something that clearly has a gay connotation don't worry, your friends can totally back you up (no homo). "Pause" is to be used when someone says something that everyone who's listening realizes sounded pretty gay but probably wasn't meant that way. A great example of how you should use pause can be found in this video:



Notice how Gus waits a few seconds just to see if Spike is gonna say "No Homo." When it's clear he's not going to (for good reason) Gus hits him with a "Pause." I'll leave you with Cam explaining the whole "No Homo" thing. Textbook. Basically, this concept can be taken too far very easily and you must use discretion. If you drop a "No Homo" after every questionable statement ironically people will begin to question your sexuality just for the fact you think everything is gay. So use it wisely and enjoy...a load on your face (no homo).

Cam explanation after the jump: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUxMuk-T0gk&feature=related

I'm A Moron Part 567894

So I fucked up my computer and lost all my shit. It's gonna take a few days to get it running again, so no posts for a minute. I am stupid.

Pineapple Express

Aka the greatest movie ever. And that's without even having seen it. Really we all know this movie is going to be incredible. Weed smoking + Action = Greatness. I can't remember a trailer that has made me laugh harder...ever. Clearly Rogen and company are on fire (although I wasn't as into Knocked Up and Sarah Marshall as most) and I must say James Franco looks hilarious in this too. Extra bonus, it's got my main man Craig Robinson in it too (The Office fame and excellent stand up comedian). I'd be willing to stake my movie critiquing excellence on this flick. Plus any movie trailer that features a M.I.A. song has to be awesome right? I fly like paper, get high like planes. See it.

National Past Time: Fat People Falling

With so many options for YouTube videos nowadays it can be daunting when trying to find something really funny. I don't mean something kind of funny, or chuckle worthy, I mean a video that will make you shoot milk out your nose if you're one of those gross people who still drinks milk. Luckily we have a treasure trove of material brought to us by our portly friends. Not sure what it is but fat people love to attempt daring activities such as bike riding and walking. To normal people those things seem like regular kid stuff. But to a fat person that's basically the equivalent of running a triathlon or walking a tight rope. Lucky for us people often catch rotunds attempting these death defying stunts on video. Fat people falling is by far one of my favorite things ever. Enjoy.



See the kid almost dies and the mom still thinks it's hilarious. Proof.

Is Britney Spears Getting Hot Again?

You remember that Britney? Yeah, me neither. But I do have a vague memory of her being smokingly hot. Then she popped out a few kids went a little insane attacked a car with an umbrella and shaved all her hair off. Since then she's had a rough go of things. She's probably not half as insane as people think she is but that's really not the issue. The issue is, recently Britney seems to be attempting to get hot again. I'm all for it, at her peak she was definitely up there in terms of all time hotness. I can't really think of too many other people who fell off as hard as she did. It just doesn't happen. So today I see some pictures of her and she's not looking that bad. I mean she's not at her "Slave 4 U" peak but she's definitely getting better. I think the world needs this right now. Here are her recent pics:
P.S. For anyone who hasn't checked it out her last album was actually pretty awesome.

Moving

Moving is the worst. I'm not the first person to complain about moving and I sure as hell won't be the last. Actually, I don't even mind finding a new place to live. That's kind of the fun part. It's the actual physical moving of locations that I can't stand. I've been saying for years that some nerdy scientist needs to invent a teleporter for the specific reason of making moving easier for me. I know a teleporter would pose substantial ethical questions and probably a few paradoxes but fuck it, it would really make my life a little bit easier. Teleporters bitch.

Mad Men

A long long time ago a friend of mine told me to watch this show. Unfortunately she chose to tell me about it during a football game and wanted me to eschew the football game and watch Mad Men instead. Not the best way to get me into a new show. Well, I'm a big enough man to admit when I'm wrong. I should have listened back then because this show is off the chizzy. Did I just write that? Sorry. The show is about advertising people who work on Madison Avenue (hence the name) during the early 1960's. Let me break it down. They drink, they smoke, they drink some more, they smoke some more, they womanize then they smoke some more. The show centers around Don Draper. Don Draper is the balls. Dude holds it down. From fending off caniving Pete Campbell to getting it on with hot jewesses, dude has it on lock. I won't give anything away in case you haven't seen it but the new season starts tomorrow (7/27) at 10pm on AMC. Thank me later.

Public Access Television

Here's the thing about Public Access TV, it fucking rules. Most people when flipping through the channels tend to pass these hidden gems because it's strange and foreign to them. Or they just hate it and I'm weird. Either way I'll tell you why next time you can't find anything on the TV you should hit up some local programming. First off let me tell you about some of the diamonds in the rough I've found. Squirrels and Jazz. That's right, Squirrels and Jazz. This was literally a program that consisted of someone filming squirrels running around various parks and recreational areas with avant garde jazz playing the whole time. Now, you may be saying dude, that sounds really lame. Well it was but you have to look much deeper than that. It's the thought that someone came up with the idea and then made the dream a reality.

Idea Man: "Dude, we should totally film squirrels and play jazz music."

Producer: "Genius!"

That still doesn't explain why I watched it and forced my friend to watch it for 10 minutes but still, you get my point.

Also another great thing about Local Access TV is that a lot of shows record live. So if you're lucky enough to catch one of the shows live you can call in and harass the hell out of them. In New York there are like a bazillion Local channels so the chances of stumbling upon a live one is pretty good. Example:



Here are some other solid examples of awesomeness:

Dancing

Let's get a couple of things straight. One, I love to dance. Two, I suck at dancing. I think my best dancing moment was at my Bar Mitzvah when I danced to James Browns' "I Feel Good". People really seemed to respond to that. If it's like an old school dance like the Twist or something I can hold it down. I mean I'm not the worst dancer in the world but I'm pretty bad. When I used to go to clubs back in the day where they played house/trance I was OK. Since then though I've definitely gotten worse. Unfortunately I don't let my horrible dancing skills stop me from hitting the floor almost every time I go out. I think I'm at my best when dancing alone to some goofy ass song in my apartment.

The State

The State is/was a great show that I recommend everyone check out. I remember it being on pretty late on MTV back in the day. I've tried really hard to find it on DVD or anywhere on the internet and it's pretty tough to track down. I did find a couple sketches on Youtube though so enjoy!

Crossword Puzzles

I'm a sucker for crossword puzzles. Sudoku bows down at the feet of Crossword puzzle. I enjoy doing the Washington Post crossword puzzle because as far as puzzles go it's pretty easy but it still feels like you're accomplishing something by doing it. The Boston Globe's crossword sucks so I never do it, that paper just generally sucks to be honest. Sometimes when I'm up for a challange slash shattering my views on my own intelligence I fuck with the New York Times crossword (pictured). I don't think I've ever actually completed the NYT crossword but I've come close and it felt good...real good. There are also some crossword rules that one must follow to be a true crossword connoisseur. First, you must only use pen. If you see someone filling out a crossword with pencil they are a joke and should promptly be chastised and laughed at. Second under no circumstances ever, I repeat, ever should you resort to looking up answers on the internet or any other knowledge base. I used to have a friend, well more like an acquantience, actually more like mortal enemy who used to go on the internet to look up answers and then boldly declare that he finished a crossword. Seriously dude? I can't express just how wrong that is. Also, some people cross out the clues when they've answered them. I guess that's ok but it's kind of amateur hour if you ask me. Sometimes I'll circle a clue if I think I know the answer but I'm not confident enough yet to actually put it down. Those are the rules of crosswording. The ultimate irony of crosswords is that 90% of the information in crosswords is completely useless and really only applies to crosswords. I still love them and do them whenever my choices aren't the Boston papers.

I Guess Obama Is Cool

I stopped being interested in politics after the 2000 Election. I used to be really into it but then I got disillusioned because that was some bullshit. Since then I really only get interested when George Bush makes some silly comment. I don't think people appreciate just how awesome George Bush is. He's comedic gold. No other president is gonna give us the awesome soundbites and fuck-ups quite like him. Regardless, I've been pretty skeptical about Obama. I was pulling for Hillary during the primaries. It's not that I think he's bad or anything I just think he's a little over the top. The "Yes We Can" stuff just seems so corny and manufactured to me. A lot of people who bought into him hook line and sinker have been getting upset that he's been flip flopping on a lot of issues. That's precisely why I didn't get all gung-ho about him. He's a politician. However, the other day he did something that completely won me over. He drained a 3-pointer in Kuwait. Now that is some hot shit. I don't care about his plans to bust the recession or to get out of Iraq or whatever. Drain a couple 3-pointers and we're good. If he ever dunks it's so over. So for your viewing pleasure here's Obama shooting the J.