How To Stay Cool When Everything Around You Is Not

Many of you might be stuck in a predicament that I first encountered several years ago while living in Boston. Let me paint a word picture: Spring is here, flowers are in full bloom, girls are out with their skimpy halter-tops and sun-dresses and I guess if you're a girl than the guys are out there in those too but the main point is: everything is great.

 Then, BOOM, the heat comes.

 The unbearable, scorching, never-ceasing heat that burns you to your core. It's tough, because you thought you had time to get an A/C or at least a few box fans but no, now you're stuck. Here are your immediate options:



1) Ice Packs/Frozen Peas

-a wonderful option I discovered a few years ago when I couldn't sleep. Fact of the matter is there's only so many times you can flip a pillow before it's all flipped out. Wrap these babies ina paper towel or actual towel and thank me later.


2) Cold Shower

-Sure some say cold showers are for psychotics but this is the best temporary fix for an undying sweltering day. It's short-lived but it gets the job done.


3) Popsicles/Ice

-We all know how I feel about popsicles. Not only are the tasty but they can cool you down too! Popsicles: Frozen Excellence


There you have it. Three really easy ways to stay cool until you get that A/C up and running.

The Golden Girls Are Huge Sluts

Let me just say this: Golden Girls is hands down one the greatest television programs of all-time.

First off, they're whores. All of them. I say that in the most endearing and lovingly way possible but get this one fact straight: they are big huge whores. Even Dorothy who you wouldn't think is such a big slut, secretly is. The whole premise of the show is basically based on the fact that every single one of the Golden Girls is trying to get laid ALL OF THE TIME.

Most people are familiar with the obvious role each one of the Golden Girls plays. Blanche is the uber-slut, Dorothy is the brainy sexless one, Rose is the dummy and Sophia is the coolest lady in the world. All of them stay true to who they are but there are certain occasions when each one breaks out of character and is awesome in a whole new way. Also, in the pilot episode the Golden Girls have a live-in gay cook named Coco who for some inexplicable reason didn't make the cut when they picked up the show. Oh, they also explain in the pilot that Sophia had a stroke and damaged the part of her brain that allows her to censor herself. And here I was thinking that she was just a cranky old lady. Silly me.

Now for a breakdown of the Golden Girls with pros and cons.

Sophia

She's clearly up to something

Pros: Awesome, super old, really mean, says "pussycat" a lot, Italian from Brooklyn via Sicily, steals stuff, lies all the time

Cons: poor vision

Dorothy

Classic Dorothy pose

Pros: really tall, hilarious, secret slut, one-liner master

Cons: kinda nagging, sometimes serious, basically too tall

Rose

Look how happy she is with that cake

Pros: innocence, hilariously naive, communicates with the dead

Cons: Saint Olaf stories

Blanche

Blanche's "O"face

Pros: sluttiest of all the Golden Girls, southern belle, lots of jewelry, owns the house

Cons: almost too slutty


Also, the theme song is maybe top 4 greatest musical pieces of all time. Long story short, thank you for being a friend and a confidant.

Best Campaign Ad In The History Of Campaign Ads

What is it about this campaign ad that puts it above the rest? Is it the clear and erudite manner in which Mr. Basil Marceaux conveys his political aspirations? Is it his constant swaying and gyrations that raise him to the lofty echelons of political supremacy? Could it be his various political theories and aspirations such as Stopping Traffic Stops? Is it just one of this things alone? Nay, I say. Nay. It is Basil Marceaux the man. His quiet confidence, his disdain for left-flying flags and his desire to accomplish all of his initiative in oh about a year. If everyone was more like Mr. Basil Marceaux (btw best name ever) the United States and the world at large would certainly be a better place. Well it would at least be a world with more vegetation in vacant lots.

Long story short I'm moving to Tennessee to vote for this guy. 

Hard Peaches Throwback

Ever wonder how Hard Peaches got started?  No?  Well eff you and take a look with a trip down memory avenue:

Hard Peaches Throwback

Worst Explanation Of Anything Ever

Yeah, no, no, that totally makes sense.  Thanks for clearing that up guy.  This is a real "help" video by the way.

Welcome (Back)

I'm back baby!  Yes, I took a little hiatus.  Yes, all of you missed the hell out of me.  I'm sorry we had that little fight baby but we'll make up for lost time.  Anyways, the blog is back.  I have some cool features I'm gonna unroll the next few days/weeks/decades so stay tuned.  If you're new to the blog feel free to check the archives.  Here's a link to the first post I ever made on here.  It's all the way from 2008, totally rad right?

What He Said

Well put newsman, well put.

Video Dating Is The Future 30 Years Ago

District 9

A couple of months ago I saw a sign like the one above plastered on a building in the LES. I had no idea what it meant but I assumed we were just harboring aliens somewhere. No biggie. Much to my surprise it was a promotional advertisement for the movie "District 9." "District 9" by the way is a pretty shitty movie. It's shot cool it looks cool and then the aliens and some dude start becoming buddies and it's like hey guys you had a cool concept on your hands you don't have to do literally everything in your power to make it terrible. But they did and so this is the movie we get. I'd say skip it if you want to save 2 hours of life.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 4/10

Heavy Stuff

You know when you lift something really heavy up and then you go and try to get a drink of water in a glass and you completely misjudge the weight of the glass and spill water on yourself? That's bullshit.

Picture of the Day

Egyptian bust carved between 1550 BC and 1050 BC. Michael Jackson obviously had a time machine. This is of a woman by the way.

Very Important Question

Get 'em buddy!

Mr. Spriggs BBQ Seems Pretty Pretty Cool

Obviously one of the top 5 best commercials in the history of commercials that are based around bbq and smooth rnb grooves. The guy's reaction at the :32 mark is fantastic. I'm booking my ticket to Oklahoma right now.



*blatantly stolen from Phonte's Twitter page.