Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Golden Girls Are Huge Sluts

Let me just say this: Golden Girls is hands down one the greatest television programs of all-time.

First off, they're whores. All of them. I say that in the most endearing and lovingly way possible but get this one fact straight: they are big huge whores. Even Dorothy who you wouldn't think is such a big slut, secretly is. The whole premise of the show is basically based on the fact that every single one of the Golden Girls is trying to get laid ALL OF THE TIME.

Most people are familiar with the obvious role each one of the Golden Girls plays. Blanche is the uber-slut, Dorothy is the brainy sexless one, Rose is the dummy and Sophia is the coolest lady in the world. All of them stay true to who they are but there are certain occasions when each one breaks out of character and is awesome in a whole new way. Also, in the pilot episode the Golden Girls have a live-in gay cook named Coco who for some inexplicable reason didn't make the cut when they picked up the show. Oh, they also explain in the pilot that Sophia had a stroke and damaged the part of her brain that allows her to censor herself. And here I was thinking that she was just a cranky old lady. Silly me.

Now for a breakdown of the Golden Girls with pros and cons.


She's clearly up to something

Pros: Awesome, super old, really mean, says "pussycat" a lot, Italian from Brooklyn via Sicily, steals stuff, lies all the time

Cons: poor vision


Classic Dorothy pose

Pros: really tall, hilarious, secret slut, one-liner master

Cons: kinda nagging, sometimes serious, basically too tall


Look how happy she is with that cake

Pros: innocence, hilariously naive, communicates with the dead

Cons: Saint Olaf stories


Blanche's "O"face

Pros: sluttiest of all the Golden Girls, southern belle, lots of jewelry, owns the house

Cons: almost too slutty

Also, the theme song is maybe top 4 greatest musical pieces of all time. Long story short, thank you for being a friend and a confidant.