How To Stay Cool When Everything Around You Is Not

Many of you might be stuck in a predicament that I first encountered several years ago while living in Boston. Let me paint a word picture: Spring is here, flowers are in full bloom, girls are out with their skimpy halter-tops and sun-dresses and I guess if you're a girl than the guys are out there in those too but the main point is: everything is great.

 Then, BOOM, the heat comes.

 The unbearable, scorching, never-ceasing heat that burns you to your core. It's tough, because you thought you had time to get an A/C or at least a few box fans but no, now you're stuck. Here are your immediate options:



1) Ice Packs/Frozen Peas

-a wonderful option I discovered a few years ago when I couldn't sleep. Fact of the matter is there's only so many times you can flip a pillow before it's all flipped out. Wrap these babies ina paper towel or actual towel and thank me later.


2) Cold Shower

-Sure some say cold showers are for psychotics but this is the best temporary fix for an undying sweltering day. It's short-lived but it gets the job done.


3) Popsicles/Ice

-We all know how I feel about popsicles. Not only are the tasty but they can cool you down too! Popsicles: Frozen Excellence


There you have it. Three really easy ways to stay cool until you get that A/C up and running.

Many Different Races Enjoy Popeye's Fried Chicken

Just not in this news segment. Real talk though, I'd be heated too if Popeye's pulled some bullshit like this when I rolled up ready to crush some perfectly seasoned Popeye's chicken. The real question is, did they run out of biscuits too? That's when it's time to start going ape-shit.

P.S.

It's get free chicken day at KFC but we all know KFC is to Popeyes as Soccer is to Football*





*Real Football non of that pansy running around a field for 90 minutes bullshit.

Viennetta

You know what today is? Today is the day I kick it old school over at Hard Peaches and actually write about shit. Yeah you remember, back when Hard Peaches was just getting started and people didn't complain that all I do is post videos?

I figure I'll get the day started with an excellent dessert treat that a lot of people don't seem to remember. Show of hands, how many of you ever fucked with Viennetta? When I was younger this was the holy grail of frozen desserts (yes that's a thing). It's an ice cream cake chocolate delicious yummy awesome thing that seriously used to rock my world. I was randomly reminded of it yesterday because I brought up my oh so popular opinion that cakes aren't so great and that if I have to eat a cake ice-cream cakes are the way to go. They are by the way. I don't know if they still make Viennetta but if they do, do yourself a favor and check it out, you can thank me later with some Viennetta.

Pretzels

If that picture is at all appetizing to you please for you own good stop reading now. There are two foods that people get wildly offended at me for when I divulge that I do not like them. One is s'mores. I just don't see the big deal with s'mores. I mean give me a graham cracker and I'm good. Give me some chocolate and I'm good. Fuck marshmallows. It's like why ruin two perfectly awesome foods with gross loser marshmallow. Marshmallow is like the outcast some douche invited to the party and nobody else wants them to be there. Anyway, this post isn't about s'mores and how horrible they are, it's about how awful and terrible pretzels are and how polarizing an issue they can apparently be.

Listen, I'm the first to admit my hatred and disgust with pretzels is somewhat irrational and completely rooted in a traumatizing experince from when I was a child. The year: 1991, the place: New York City, Macy's Day Parade. I was visiting my aunt in New York and the Macy's Day Parade was in full-swing. The Spiderman float was passing by and boy was I hungry. Out of the corner of my eye I spied a soft-pretzel vendor. We go and purchase a salted pretzel with mustard. Even typing this I get a little queasy. I eat the whole thing and then proceed to hurl the entire rest of the day. Since that fateful day I have never again eaten a soft-pretzel. I'm just lucky it didn't ruin Spiderman for me too. Somewhere along the way regular pretzels got lumped in with soft-pretzels. I'll dabble with regular pretzels but I find nothing appealing about them whatsoever. Now to me, the craziest thing is how upset people get when I tell them I don't like pretzels. People take it like a personal slight against them. What's the big deal? I think pretzels suck and quite frankly I'm sick of living in a world where I'm ridiculed and ostracized for not liking pretzels. So fuck you pretzels and your never ending quest to ruin my life.

Singing Meat Patties Are Always A Good Thing

This is the video they used to show to the grill people at Wendy's back in the '80's. Now let's think about this objectively. You roll up to Wendy's in your DeLorean, moonwalk across the parking lot, chuckle as you remember that hilarious scene from yesterday's ALF episode and you walk into Wendy's. It's your first day on the job and, you know, you're not thrilled to be working at Wendy's but it's a decent hourly wage and you do what you gotta do to support your horrible Teddy Ruxpin obsession. So you walk in your first day and they show you this. Do you kill yourself right then or do you wait until you get home? That's the real question.

Krackel

Krackel > Crunch Bar

That is all.

Sun Dried Tomatoes

Is there anything worse than Sun Dried Tomatoes? The answer is no. They are disgusting and if you like them you're gross too.

Pomegranate

Lucky for you guys I don't have to go into the office for the next week or so. That means plenty of blogging about useless things. I know, I know, please hold your applause. Oh Pomegranate, let me count the ways I love thee. First, it's just a delicious tasting fruit. The texture is also phenomenal. Also, eating a pomegranate is a fun experience in and of itself. Opening it up, pulling apart the walls and exposing the delicious morsels ready to plundered. There's something very satisfying about it all. In addition, the little pomegranate thingies always reminded me of the bubbles that you had to shoot in Bubble Man's world in Mega Man II. Oddly enough I don't like anything pomegranate related besides the actual pomegranate. Pomegranate juice is nauseating. I also find it weird that a fruit can be so good but whenever they try to turn it into something else it loses all of it's appeal and becomes disgusting. So yeah...pomegranate mofo's.

Bacon

Nice job people. In my Andy Saunders poll the majority of the votes went to bacon. So bacon it shall be. Whatever that means.

Blowpops

When I quit smoking most recently (ugh) I turned to these delicious treats. It satisfied the oral fixation (no homo) and tasted delicious. Everyone has their own preference on flavor when it comes to Blowpops but I'm here to give you the undeniable rankings. From best to least:

1) Sour Apple
2) Watermelon
3) Strawberry
4) Grape
5) Cherry

That's it, anything else is wrong. Also, how weird is it that Charms hasn't come out with any new flavors in like 100 years. I remember a weird berry type one but I haven't seen that since I was in summer camp. Can we get some Blowpop innovation up in this piece? In addition if you're one of those people who thinks that Tootsie Pops are better than Blowpops, just end it all now. Seriously, you're fucking up the gene pool.

Wine

I'm a big wine fan. I wasn't always that in to wine, but I really like it now. It's not like I want to have babies with wine or anything but I will enjoy a glass or two (or a bottle or two) every now and then. Maybe because it makes me feel just a little bit classier even if it's like a $10 bottle. I mainly drink white wine because I once had a really bad experience with some Big Bites from 7-11 and a few glasses of merlot (which was not classy). But the past few weeks I've had a lot of red wine and I can see myself getting back into it. In terms of knowing what I'm talking about or being able to appreciate the difference between wines I'm pretty much clueless. I do know that dudes who order wine at bars are douches of the highest order. Wine is cool but no need to show off slick.

Olive Garden

So what does one think about while blasting Chromeo and trying to get the sound of a chainsaw out of their head? Well if that one is me it's fucking Olive Garden. I've never been to Olive Garden but I gotta say their commercials are very convincing. I love salad and I love pasta and apparently they have Strega Nona locked up somewhere in the back with her magic pasta bowl. I've talked to a few people who have been and they say it's alright. Frankly I don't think the place even exists. I don't think I've ever even seen an Olive Garden in real life.

Popsicles

I used to have a serious addiction to popsicles. I still will dabble but they are a dangerous beast. I usually had the regular ones. You know orange, grape, cherry (boo) ones. I got them not only because they're great pretty much anytime of day but the Popsicle brand ones come with little jokes on them too. Sometimes the jokes were infuriating. For instance, "What's the wheels favorite song?" Give up? You should because the answer is so asinine and unsatisfying you're just gonna be mad if you try too hard to get it. The answer was, "Merrily We Roll Along." What the fuck? Is that even a real song? Actually it is, and I only know that because my smart ass friend googled it just to prove that he remembered it. He didn't. It's loosely based on "Good Night Ladies" but not it. It's some obscure weird song that a five year old kid (who the popsicles are intended for) is gonna have a 0% chance of knowing. I'm convinced there's some child labor camp making poor 3rd world country kids come up with these ridiculous jokes and all they have is out of date 1930's pamphlets. That's the only explanation as to why they would reference some stupid shit like "Merrily We Roll Along." Anyways, I realized I was having a problem with popsicles when I started getting the same jokes over and over and could consistently answer them all.

Q: What did the boy melon say to the girl melon?
A: We're too young we canteloupe.

The Frugal Gourmet

I had a pretty awesome childhood. I was brought up with good food around all the time. I also got a heavy dose of quality PBS programming. Anyone else remember this guy? He was pretty sweet. The Frugal Gourmet was definitely up there in terms of my favorite cooking shows to watch when I was a kid. Julia Child, Yan Can Cook, and this guy. I was way too young to remember anything he did but he was entertaining and had a certain charm about him. Well, unfortunately he used that charm not only to prepare awesome culinary feats but also to sexually molest and abuse his male kitchen aids. Yeah, Jeff Smith, or the Frugal Gourmet was a total pedophile. That's sad. I guess he was a minister too so someone should have seen it coming (pun intended). Anyways pedophile aside this guy was still pretty cool. Kind of like the Michael Jackson of cooking. RIP Frugmeister.

Food Porn

No I don't mean like some girl shoving a squash up her hoo-hoo. I'm talking Food Network. Recently I've had some fascinating discussions (well fascinating is debatable) about the Food Network. A lot of people have indicated that they don't like watching it because they feel they're constantly being taunted by the delicious foods being shown/prepared and that they can't eat them. Poppicock! I don't have enough space here to expound upon the many ways that Food Network is the truth. But I will give just a few reasons to tune in.

Iron Chef



Classic or New School it doesn't matter. This is it right here. Whether it's old school Morimoto and the old Chinese dude who threw truffles and foie gras in literally everything to the supreme smugness of Bobby Flay or the Rojo Caliente powers of Mario Batali this show is legit. Don't hate.


Giada De Laurentiis


I don't know if it's the cleavage the smooth jazz or the orgasmic Italian food that keeps me tuning in, but hot damn this girl is fire. I honestly cannot see how anyone can dislike her or this show. Find me a person who doesn't like her and I'll find you a tongueless eunich.


Paula Deen


Arguably the greatest thing in the world. Paula's solution to everything? More butter. If only we all lived by her principles and guidelines the world would be a better place. I once saw her make chilli biscuit bowls. Yeah you read that right...biscuit bowls! Un-fucking-believable. One time she made a cobbler and I'm pretty sure I came in my pants a little. I'd marry this lady in a heartbeat.


Alton Brown/Good Eats


Just to highlight how awesome this dude is, I used to hate him because I thought he was smug and arrogant. While that still may be true his knowledge of food science is breathtaking. Do I remember half the shit he says? Absolutely not. But he's still the fucking man.

Clearly there are a ton of other awesome shows on The FN but get the fuck out of here if you think you're too good for this shit. Yeah, I never write down any of the recipes and mainly just ogle at the foods being made but it's still awesome. Bonus tip, DVR your favorite shows and you can actually make some of the awesomeness you see so I can eat it.