Best Campaign Ad In The History Of Campaign Ads

What is it about this campaign ad that puts it above the rest? Is it the clear and erudite manner in which Mr. Basil Marceaux conveys his political aspirations? Is it his constant swaying and gyrations that raise him to the lofty echelons of political supremacy? Could it be his various political theories and aspirations such as Stopping Traffic Stops? Is it just one of this things alone? Nay, I say. Nay. It is Basil Marceaux the man. His quiet confidence, his disdain for left-flying flags and his desire to accomplish all of his initiative in oh about a year. If everyone was more like Mr. Basil Marceaux (btw best name ever) the United States and the world at large would certainly be a better place. Well it would at least be a world with more vegetation in vacant lots.

Long story short I'm moving to Tennessee to vote for this guy. 

Hard Peaches Throwback

Ever wonder how Hard Peaches got started?  No?  Well eff you and take a look with a trip down memory avenue:

Hard Peaches Throwback

Welcome (Back)

I'm back baby!  Yes, I took a little hiatus.  Yes, all of you missed the hell out of me.  I'm sorry we had that little fight baby but we'll make up for lost time.  Anyways, the blog is back.  I have some cool features I'm gonna unroll the next few days/weeks/decades so stay tuned.  If you're new to the blog feel free to check the archives.  Here's a link to the first post I ever made on here.  It's all the way from 2008, totally rad right?

Heavy Stuff

You know when you lift something really heavy up and then you go and try to get a drink of water in a glass and you completely misjudge the weight of the glass and spill water on yourself? That's bullshit.

I Think I Might...

I designed these myself. Not a whole lot going on except reppin' strong here. I like this shoe but I'm as of yet undecided.

Open Letter to TimeWarner Cable

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing today to express my feeling that you are hands down, by far the worst cable company in the history of cable companies. Let me preface this by saying I have dealt with no less than 4 different cable companies the past several years. Therefore, I feel I have the experience and knowledge to back up my claim. Here are several reasons why you are the worst:

Firstly, why would you not offer NFLN? I don't care about MLBTV or NBATV. Those sports are garbage and I'd gladly trade 100 of my channels for NFLN. I don't care what the details are get your thumbs out of your collective asses and fix this.

Second, how the fuck are you gonna charge me $40 to come pick up my cable box because it's broken. I didn't break it, you gave me a shitty cable box and now you want to charge me to come and pick it up? I really hate you.

Third, why are you the only cable company that I can get? I live in NYC and you're telling me I only have one choice when it comes to cable? This is insane? Everywhere else I have ever lived there are at least two choices when it comes to cable providers. I don't know who's D you're S'ing but I hope you get VD.

In summation, you're the worst and I hope terrible things happen to you.

Comment Of The Week

As HardPeaches gains in popularity (it's the 2nd biggest blog in my apartment!) I tend to get more and more comments on posts. Some from people I know and some from shadowy faced losers who refuse to identify themselves. This week has already gotten off to a great start with this gem being delivered to me early this morning. This comment is in regards to my Chelsea Handler post from last week:

"oh man...you seem like the kind of dude who wacks off alone twice a day."

Thanks for that Kemosabe. I'd like to point out that wacking off kind of implies I'm alone already. If I wasn't, I'm pretty sure that falls under a different category. Almost a solid burn there...so close.

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Feisty Shows Up

Man, RIP Stacks huh? I understand her leaving to be with her pops, that's admirable and the girl probably realized it's more important to be with her father than stay in a competition that will so clearly be won by someone other than her. OK the highlights. Thank fucking God Lil' Hood got her skanky ass off the show. And can we talk about how Lil Hood tried to twist the shit up on Ray J saying that he was a "spoiled brat." While that may be true, c'mon stop questioning the moral values of Ray J, that's not what this show is about. At least she left with her dignity right? The end to the reverse reverse racism has finally come. She truly was the worst. In the up and comers corner we have Feisty and her awesome boobs, which she made known tonight are a force to be reckoned with. Her team threw her under the bus by making her box Lil Hood and then Unique unilaterally decided that she was a "lady" and didn't want to be "trashy" by fighting. So you send the little Latina out to do your dirty business? Poor form Unique, poor form. Unique has really been awful the past few weeks what with the shitty/forget the lyrics singing and now this weak sauce move. Feisty on the other hand showed some real chutzpah and seems like she will be around for a minute. It was a weird episode since two people left without a real elimination but we're now down to the final six. So here are the power rankings:

Week 5 Power Ranking

1. Danger - She's already slept with Ray J, and truly scared the shit out of me (and the other girls) when she put on boxing gloves.

2. Cocktail - As long as she plays the role of the spy she's going to ingratiate herself to Ray J. Smart girl but ultimately she'll be foiled by her lust for seeing others fail.

3. Feisty - Boobs and pity party were in her favor this week. All things considered a very strong showing.

4. Chardonnay - Lurking in the background but we know she can bring it.

5. Cashmere - Step it up hun, boring is a cardinal sin in this game.

6. Unique - She's gone. What the fuck was with the pussying out of the boxing shit? She can't sing and has exposed herself as a fame whore. In next weeks teaser Feisty claims she's a gold digger who's been on previous reality shows. Ruh oh.

Profile of the Week

Feisty

Strengths:

-Not Lil' Hood
-Hot
-Boobs

Weaknesses:

-Not So Smart
-Too nice

Breakdown:

The world runs because of girls like Feisty. Just a nice girl who aims to please. Amen honey, Amen.

Oscars: The Breakdown

You know sometimes I just say stuff. Clearly, I didn't "murder/annihilate/destroy" the Oscars like people had claimed I would. It's cool, you know you win some and you lose some. First off I'd like to point out (and I can and in no way "prove" this) but I really wanted to pick Penelope Cruz for Best Supporting Actress. I didn't for two reasons. The first being how long ago I saw "Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona." It was a long time ago! The second is that I was convinced that they were going to give Benjamin Button something besides editing and cinematography. They didn't and good move because that movie sucked. And the third reason which I didn't mention up there is because Marisa Tomei is fucking amazing and they should just give her an honorary Oscar every year. So the night got off to a bad start. Let's see what else I fucked up. Well, I got Best Actress wrong because I picked Meryl Streep but I thought they would just pander. Note that I did think Kate Winslet gave the best performance in "The Reader." I got cinematography wrong but whatever that's lame. Everything else I picked I got right, maybe I fucked up sound mixing or some shit but whatever. Totally nailed Costume Design though!



As for the actual show. Um...holy shit the Oscars are fucking boring. Hugh Jackman came out of the closet last night and we established that Kate Winslet is constantly out of breath. What else? Oh yeah, A.R. Rahman the composer who scored and wrote original songs for "Slumdog Millionaire" is the weirdest "performer" ever. He just stood on stage and awkwardly gyrated for the entire performance of "Jai Ho" which also curiously featured John Legend who looked as confused as anyone as to why he was on the stage. I understand that people who write music usually have a secret passion to get on stage themselves but sometimes you just have to look at yourself and go, "I have no stage presence whatsoever. In fact I believe I have negative stage presence." Still, beautiful music from Mr. Rahman who's name makes me want Ramen noodles even though it's not spelled the same. Performance below.

Oscar Predictions

The 81st Academy Awards are tonight at 8pm EST. That's 5pm PST. I'm good at math. And also still kinda drunk from yesterday. That being said, let me murder the fuck out of these Oscar predictions. We all know how I savagely destroyed the Grammy's and I'm even more confident in these predictions. Without further ado here are my Oscar picks:

Actor in a Leading Role

Nominees: Richard Jenkins, Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Frank Langella, Mickey Rourke

Expected Winner: Mickey Rourke

Who Should Win: Mickey Rourke

Synopsis: As much as I would love to give this one to Richard Jenkins (he was awesome) Mickey Rourke absolutely killed it in "The Wrestler." All of these performances were really strong but I gotta go Mickey here. Sean Penn could also win this but I don't think anyone really saw that movie. Sidenote: If Brad Pitt or "Benjamin Button" wins anything it's a muffugin joke.

Actor in a Supporting Role

Nominees: Josh Brolin, Robert Downey Jr., Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Heath Ledger, Michael Shannon

Expected Winner: Heath Ledger

Who Should Win: Heath Ledger

Synopsis: With all the hype surrounding Heath Ledger's death it's easy to overlook the fact that he delivered a helluva performance in "The Dark Knight." Phillip Seymour Hoffman was pretty fucking awesome too but I think Ledger deserves the posthumous nod.

Actress in a Leading Role

Nominees: Anne Hathaway, Angelina Jolie, Melissa Leo, Meryl Streep, Kate Winslet

Expected Winner: Meryl Streep

Who Should Win: Kate Winslet

Synopsis: Very hard to go against Streep but "The Reader" was one of my favorite movies this go around. She gets naked in it and really draws you in to her character from the start. I'll be honest, I didn't see "Frozen River" so I don't know how Melissa Leo did but Hathaway and Jolie were also pretty strong.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Nominees: Marisa Tomei, Amy Adams, Penelope Cruz, Taraji P. Henson, Viola Davis

Expected Winner: Taraji P. Henson

Who Should Win: Marisa Tomei

Synopsis: Ok, Ok, this is a total sentimental vote from me. I am unabashed about my love for Marisa Tomei. I thought she did a great job and was easily as good as anyone in this category. Now here's the X-Factor. I think for how "epic" "Benjamin Button" was they have to throw it an Oscar in a meaningful category. Taraji was very good but I really think everyone else with the exception of Viola Davis (she was barely in the movie for fucks sake) dwarfed her performance. This is definitely a tough category.

Directing

Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire

Expected Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win: Slumdog Millionaire

Synopsis: This one is just a three-horse race. Button and Nixon were just not up to snuff in this one at all. Hey, yes it's super-hyped but Slumdog was a really good movie and even if the direction was a little heavy-handed it still was the best in this category.

Music (Score)

Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Defiance, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E

Expected Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win: Slumdog Millonaire

Synopsis: C'mon let's be real Slumdog is 2/3 of the original song category. I didn't see Defiance but gotta figure Slumdog takes home the hardware in this one.

Best Picture

Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire

Expected Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win: Slumdog Millionaire

Synopsis: It's a foregone conclusion right? Also, I think I figured out why Button was nominated for so many Oscars. They didn't want to hurt Brad Pitts' feelings completely so they gave him the pre-Oscar contentment with all the nods. I'd hate to be in the orphanage him and Angelina Jolie call home after this dude realizes he was in a 2 hour plus movie where he talked in one of the most ridiculous "accents" ever captured on film.

Other Predicted Winners:

Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire

Sound Mixing: The Dark Knight

Sound Editing: The Dark Knight

Costume Design: The Duchess

Seduction 101

Forget "The Game" and forget all those other seduction books and videos I know you bought. If you want to be an awesome seducer just watch this video over and over. You're welcome.

P.S.

I can totally vouch for the guy who said all you need is a dollar, a twelve pack of beer, a gram of coke and a whip. That ALWAYS works.

Grammy Predictions

I like to think that I'm really good at predicting outcomes of Award shows. Now I'm testing whether I am in fact good at it or I'm just delusional. Probably a combination of the two. So here are my predictions of who I think will win coveted Grammy's (for categories that I deem pertinent) and who I hope wins in each category.

Record of the Year

Nominees: Adele - Chasing Pavements, Coldplay - Viva La Vida, Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love, M.I.A. - Paper Planes, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss - Please Read The Letter

Who I want to win: Adele

Who I think will win: Adele

Synopsis: Maybe it's just wishful thinking but I really believe that Adele is going to be the "surprise" winner at this years Grammy's. Her album "19" is fantastic and "Chasing Pavements" appeals to music connaisseur's and pop fans alike. Sure Coldplay could make a push but that song was just OK and they straight stole it from Joe Satriani. Bleeding Love was pretty fucking money but let's be real "Chasing Pavements" takes it out back and has it's way with it when the crowds go home.

Album of the Year

Nominees: Coldplay - Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends, Lil Wayne - Tha Carter III, Ne-Yo - Year of the Gentleman, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss - Raising Sand, Radiohead - In Rainbows

Who I want to win: Ne-Yo - Year of the Gentleman

Who I think will win: Coldplay - Viva La Vida

Synopsis: Very weak category this year. Coldplay's album is decent not great, Weezy's album was ultimately disappointing despite being the best selling album of the year. Radiohead, well, they're Radiohead and their album was pretty good but let's be real it's not the best album of the year by any stretch of the imagination. The only album I didn't listen to was Robert Plant's so maybe that's a winner and I just missed it. Ne-Yo's album I liked and it's really just the best of a bad group. I'd be blown away if "Year of the Gentleman" actually wins though.

Song of the Year

Nominees: American Boy, Chasing Pavements, I'm Yours, Love Song, Viva La Vida

Who I want to win: Chasing Pavements

Who I think will win: Chasing Pavements

Synopsis: It's not surprise that I'm pulling for Adele here but I actually think she has a shot in this one. This is a real solid category and some serious competition. This could go to anyone really with the notable exception of "Viva La Vida" since they just stole the song.

Best New Artist

Nominees: Adele, Duffy, Jonas Brothers, Lady Antebellum, Jazmine Sullivan

Who I want to win: Adele

Who I think will win: Jazmine Sullivan

Synopsis: Another very tough category. Everyone is worthy (although I'm not very acquainted with Lady Antebellum) except the Jonas Brothers. I mean I guess people like them right? And by people I of course mean your 10 year old sister. Jazmine Sullivan probably deserves this as much as anyone because her album was extremely solid and she's an amazing artist. Duffy also is pretty good but again I really think Adele should be the winner but I just don't see her sweeping all these categories.

Here are my predictions for some other categories:

Best Female Pop Performance

My horse: Adele - Chasing Pavements

Expected Winner: Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

Best Male Pop Performance

My Horse: Ne-Yo - Closer

Expected Winner: Ne-Yo - Closer

Best Pop Vocal Album

My Horse: Leona Lewis - Spirit

Expected Winner: Leona Lewis - Spirit

Best Dance Recording

My horse: Rihanna - Disturbia

Expected Winner: Lady Gaga - Just Dance

Best Rock Album:

My Horse: Kings Of Leon - Only By The Night

Expected Winner: Coldplay - Viva La Vida

Best Female RnB Vocal Performance

My Horse: Jazmine Sullivan - Need U Bad

Expected Winner: Alicia Keys - Superwoman

Best Male RnB Vocal Performance

My Horse: Ne-Yo - Miss Independent

Expected Winner: Ne-Yo - Miss Independent

Best RnB Album

My Horse: Raphael Saadiq - The Way I See It

Expected Winner: Jennifer Hudson - Jennifer Hudson

Best Contemporary RnB Album

My Horse: J. Holiday - Back Of My Lac

Expected Winner: Jazmine Sullivan - Fearless

Best Rap Solo Performance

My Horse: Lil Wayne - A Milli

Expected Winner: Lil Wayne - A Milli

Best Rap Song

My Horse: Lil Wayne - Lollipop

Expected Winner: Lil Wayne - Lollipop

Best Rap Album

My Horse: T.I. - Paper Trail

Expected Winner: Lil Wayne - Tha Carter III

Producer Of The Year

My Horse: Will.I.Am

Expected Winner: Will.I.Am

Vicious Criminal

Watch out this motherfucker will get you! Peace bitches, it's Friday night!

The Sarcastic Clapping Family

Sorry for the quality but this is one of the best SNL sketches of all time. Sometimes I just sarcastically clap at my friends. It's a great way to alienate people and make them think you're an asshole.

Madam Isn't Home Right Now

Again, how are these videos getting made? She's just a bitter woman with too much time on her hands right? She wants to bill people for mis-dialing? She does seems like a woman who knows what she wants though. Listen, if she talks in that British accent in bed all I'm saying is I wouldn't not hit it.

Why Jeopardy Is Amazing

Two of my favorite things in life are Jeopardy and exposing the Patriots for being classless losers. In the immortal words of McLovin, "I've got a boner."

The Unborn

I had the grave misfortune of seeing the trailer for "The Unborn" in theaters. They played it before a showing of "Role Models" of all movies. That really pissed me off since I have steadfastly avoided scary movies at the theater for at least 5 years. The last scary movie I saw in theaters was "Stir Of Echoes" starring Kevin Bacon. IMDB tells me that movie came out in 1999 so I guess I haven't seen a scary movie in 10 years. If you haven't seen the trailer for "The Unborn" I'm going to post it below. They've been showing it on TV a ton lately and it never ceases to freak me out. Let me caution you that it is extremely disturbing and not at all cool. To this day it continues to haunt my dreams. Yeah, so, enjoy!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everybody! Cut me some slack on the no posting, I've been out of town for a while and I chose not to bring my computer along. Huge mistake. As awesome as the Blackberry is that thing is not a computer. I hope you all had an awesome New Year's Eve and amazing start to 2009. I for one am pretty excited.

Awesome Dolphins Post Of The Week

Sweet, sweet vindication. I dreamt of this moment every single fucking Sunday last season. Every dreary day at the bar when the outcome was a loss 15 out of 16 weeks. Let me break down what just happened. Not only did the Dolphins just complete the most miraculous turnaround in NFL history, not only did we win the AFC East with a record of 11-5, not only is this sentence going to turn into the longest run-on ever, but we kept the cursed and negative karma laden Patriots at home with an 11-5 record. Enjoy Boston in the winter douchebags. In addition we got Eric Mangini fired and more likely than not ended Brett "Best Thing Since Sliced Bread" Favre's career. This all happened in one day. I cried. I cried twice. Never in all my years of watching football and supporting the Dolphins have I ever experienced the emotion I felt yesterday. It's pure euphoria. I'm sure some of you haters out there are saying to yourselves, "Geez, you just won the division, act like you've been there." To you I say, go fuck yourselves. You have no idea what it's like to win 1 game in a season and then come back and claim the division. No idea. So now we play the Ravens at home next week at 1pm. To be quite honest, I believe Baltimore was the best team we played this year. They thoroughly dominated us and will prove to be an extremely worthy opponent. I hope we can keep it going but no matter what this has been the most magical season of my entire life. Holla atcha boys!!!

Star Trek: The Next Generation

Nerd alert! Yeah that's right I like Star Trek: The Next Generation. There was a point where I would marathon the fuck out of this show. Sure, feel free to hate on TNG. All that means is you've never watched it. Honestly, if it came down to Star Wars or Star Trek TNG, Star Trek wins handily. Check it out sometime and join me in the kingdom of dorks.