Monday, December 29, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post Of The Week

Sweet, sweet vindication. I dreamt of this moment every single fucking Sunday last season. Every dreary day at the bar when the outcome was a loss 15 out of 16 weeks. Let me break down what just happened. Not only did the Dolphins just complete the most miraculous turnaround in NFL history, not only did we win the AFC East with a record of 11-5, not only is this sentence going to turn into the longest run-on ever, but we kept the cursed and negative karma laden Patriots at home with an 11-5 record. Enjoy Boston in the winter douchebags. In addition we got Eric Mangini fired and more likely than not ended Brett "Best Thing Since Sliced Bread" Favre's career. This all happened in one day. I cried. I cried twice. Never in all my years of watching football and supporting the Dolphins have I ever experienced the emotion I felt yesterday. It's pure euphoria. I'm sure some of you haters out there are saying to yourselves, "Geez, you just won the division, act like you've been there." To you I say, go fuck yourselves. You have no idea what it's like to win 1 game in a season and then come back and claim the division. No idea. So now we play the Ravens at home next week at 1pm. To be quite honest, I believe Baltimore was the best team we played this year. They thoroughly dominated us and will prove to be an extremely worthy opponent. I hope we can keep it going but no matter what this has been the most magical season of my entire life. Holla atcha boys!!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

There Seems To Be A Design Flaw

Sun Dried Tomatoes

Is there anything worse than Sun Dried Tomatoes? The answer is no. They are disgusting and if you like them you're gross too.

Christian The Lion

I know I'm super late on this one. I swear I've known about it for a while now (really!) I just figured I'd clean out my internet video closet before the new year. On the off chance you haven't seen this before please feel free to watch it 20 times and tear up (because of their hair) while you listen to Aerosmith.

The Wackness

Also known as the longest movie ever. In actual temporal time it's not even that long it just feels like even small plot developments take twenty minutes to develop. It's not a bad movie it just lacks cohesiveness and direction. The characters are interesting enough but I don't know it's just fucking boring. The main character is sometimes believable but mostly I end up feeling like he's just a huge bitch. Ben Kingsley's character (the most interesting) even gets tiresome after a certain point. This move is 6 parts wack, 1 part good, and 3 parts too long.

Official HardPeaches rating: 5.4/10

Pictures I Like Of The Day

Monday, December 22, 2008

Steve Martin

Steve Martin is one of my favorite actor/comedians. He's got an endearing sense of humor that hasn't changed throughout his career. A testament to how funny the guy actually is. He's also in some of my favorite movies ever like, "Parenthood," "3 Amigos," "My Blue Heaven," "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels," and "Father of the Bride." Here's a clip from "The Jerk."

All I Need


Lucky for you guys I don't have to go into the office for the next week or so. That means plenty of blogging about useless things. I know, I know, please hold your applause. Oh Pomegranate, let me count the ways I love thee. First, it's just a delicious tasting fruit. The texture is also phenomenal. Also, eating a pomegranate is a fun experience in and of itself. Opening it up, pulling apart the walls and exposing the delicious morsels ready to plundered. There's something very satisfying about it all. In addition, the little pomegranate thingies always reminded me of the bubbles that you had to shoot in Bubble Man's world in Mega Man II. Oddly enough I don't like anything pomegranate related besides the actual pomegranate. Pomegranate juice is nauseating. I also find it weird that a fruit can be so good but whenever they try to turn it into something else it loses all of it's appeal and becomes disgusting. So yeah...pomegranate mofo's.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week

Holla atcha boys! Seriously, someone talk some shit. Please, I beg you. Tell us we didn't just win our 10th game of the season. We won one game last year! One fucking game! This was a helluva game and the fact the Dolphins put up 38 in the frigid Kansas City weather is a testament to our MVP. Yeah that's right our MVP, Chad Pennington. Straight beast central. Chad and the Dolphins now have the opportunity to win the AFC East and secure the 3rd seed if we beat the Jets next week in the Meadowlands. Yes I know the Jets lost today to woeful Seattle but anybody who thinks this one is in the bag is fooling themselves. It's gonna be a tough game and I'm hoping like hell we can vindicate ourselves for the atrocious Week 1 loss to the gross Jets. Sure I'll be dissapointed if we don't win and don't make the playoffs but no matter what this has been an amazing season and it reminded me exactly why I root for this team even when they actively and continuosly try to rip my still beating heart out of my chest. Go the fuck ahead!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Intrusive Security Question Forms

I was filling out one of those new account setup things online so I can pay even more bills. Awesome. To add insult to injury this sites' password security questions were really sticking it to me. For instance here's one of the first few questions, "What is your greatest fear?" What the fuck is that? Now in order to ensure no one steals my password I have to do a full psychological analysis of my greatest fear? Incidentally, my greatest fear is midgets and sometimes very small Asian children. Moving on. How about, "What was the name of your first pet?" Oh thanks security form, I was having a great day and now you're gonna make me remember about poor Boris the cat. I miss the shit out of Boris and now you're just rubbing it in my face. I guess all the other questions were pretty fair but still I hope this security form gets what's coming to it. What's your greatest fear Security Form? Because it's coming for you.


*This post paid for and sponsored by the Cookie*

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Star Trek: The Next Generation

Nerd alert! Yeah that's right I like Star Trek: The Next Generation. There was a point where I would marathon the fuck out of this show. Sure, feel free to hate on TNG. All that means is you've never watched it. Honestly, if it came down to Star Wars or Star Trek TNG, Star Trek wins handily. Check it out sometime and join me in the kingdom of dorks.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I Want To Go To Karaoke And Sing This Exactly Like They Do

Wooooo. That is what they call charisma people. Oh wait, not charisma, I meant horrified expressions of terror. I get those two things confused sometimes.

You're Gonna Love His Nuts

What's more embarrassing? The fact that I really want this or that he made me believe that if I changed the way I eat Tuna I'd have a more exciting life?

Monday, December 8, 2008

My New Friend: Newton

This is Newton. He had a lot of thoughts about Pakistan. He was on the F train back from Brooklyn. We spoke since he got off at the same stop as me. He was in his own words, "a good person." Who am I to argue? His well thought out theory was that Pakistan was the worst thing to ever happen. I said there were probably worse things but I couldn't think of any. In any event, Newton told me of a sweet bar on Bowery and Bleecker and if I go there and say his name they'll give me free drinks. Nice.


This video shows not much separates T-Pain from a homeless guy. Not bad. Is he white and dropping the n*bomb though?

Awesome Dolphins Post Of The Week

This was a good one. This is what I like to see. And don't let the score fool you. We should have had another TD but the refs once again decided to call a bullshit penalty. This time on TE Anthony Fasano for a phantom hold on a Ricky Williams touchdown. I don't know if you all think I'm making this shit up or I'm biased but these calls are absolute garbage. It's not even close. Regardless, I'm not gonna complain anymore after such a joyous game. Chad Pennington continued his ridiculously efficient play completing 22 out of 29 passes with a TD while also hitting his last 11 in a row. Will Allen had a clutch interception when the Bills were threatening to score from 1st and Goal from our 3. Granted, we played JP Losman but we held the Bills to under 170 total yards. That's impressive at any level. The Dolphins find themselves tied for the lead in the AFC East with the Jets and Patriots. With 3 games to go it is not outside the realm of possibility that the Dolphins can win the division. I'll temper my expectations but no matter what happens, this season has been incredible. Of course ESPN has decided not to talk about the most remarkable single season turnaround in NFL history. Oh and I'd love to hear Chris Berman's thoughts about who's going to finish last in the divison now? Dumb muthafucka can suck it.

Bonus Bar Story of the Week

I just want to give a shout out to my boy Leroy who is just a classy classy Bills fan. He put up with my antics like a champion. Even when I got up and started actin' a fool after Will Allen's interception he didn't bat an eyelash. Leroy has got to be in his 50's or older and is just a cool mofo. This dude went to Buffalo last week to watch his Bills lose to the 49ers 10-3. Yowza. The chances of him reading this blog are probably hovering around zero to zero percent but his awesomeness should not go unrecognized. No 13-3 this year Leroy but the Bills are still the best of the losers.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Commercial of the Day

I mean that sweet tea could taste like diarrhea by default it's going to be, "the best sweet tea in a jar," I've ever had.


I'm totally going there.

Friday, December 5, 2008


Apologies to all for totally slacking on the posting front. Last night after 30 Rock I couldn't find anything to watch. Now, where a normal person would just give up and say to themselves, "I probably don't need to be watching TV right now," I'm not that kind of chump. I pushed through until I found something awesome. And something awesome I did find. Dinotopia. Apparently this was a mini-series, I don't know, I just caught about an hour of it on the Sci-Fi channel. Basically, these two brothers crash with their Dad on to some weird island where humans and dinosaurs co-exist. There's these things called the sky riders who ride pterodactyls and triceratop patrols. It's pretty awesome. There's even a talking dinosaur named Zippo who apparently was banging some human girl. The scene where he plays ping pong is probably one of the greatest cinematic accomplishments of our time. I think this movie was made to be serious but I don't really see how that's possible. Apparently, the shit won a ton of Emmy's and other awards. All I'm saying is you should check this bitch out.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Jello Is Super Racist


The other day I found myself in a bit of a conundrum. I had to choose on my DVR whether to record Jeopardy or Lingo. I chose Lingo. Let me tell you about Lingo. Lingo is fucking amazing. Sure, you may be thinking hey I don't like word games or bingo. That's cool, that's cool. Do you like awkward comments by Chuck Woolery and weird sexual tension between him and the hot word computer lady or any other female who comes on the show? The answer is yes, yes you do. No one is going to convince me Chuck doesn't go home after hosting this show and throws down no less than 7 extra dry Martini's. He hates life.

Britney Spears: For The Record

This was a good one. I don't think I'm overstating it when I say this is one of the best documentaries I've ever seen. In case you live on another planet (or have better things to do than worry about Britney Spears) For The Record is the new documentary about Spears that premiered on MTV last night. They filmed Britney for 60 days. Let me point out how fucking insane that is. They filmed the girl for 60 fucking days. I guarantee if you film any human being for 60 days they're gonna bug out at least 3 of those days. And Spears certainly doesn't hold back. Sometimes she comes off as naive, childish and even a little stupid. However, the most compelling part of the documentary is how vulnerable she is. When giving an interview with the film crew she starts to explain how she feels imprisoned and how no one actually listens to her (which is a reasonable enough statement considering they splice footage of Spears trying to tell her posse how she feels trapped and they just laugh at her like she's telling a joke). Mid-sentence she turns to the side and stares off into space and then whispers through tears, "I'm sad," and starts to cry. I don't know how sad you have to be to utter those words on camera and just let it go like that but I'm guessing pretty fucking sad. I defy anyone to not feel bad for the girl during that moment. You can point out that she doesn't talk about her kids that much but I don't really think that's fair considering 60 days worth of footage got condensed into a little over an hour. Listen, I'm always tough on the celebrities. I feel like if you choose to be in the public light to earn your living you need to be prepared to deal with the consequences of being a public figure. This documentary made me question that sentiment. This is just a really good case study of a human being living in an extraordinary situation. Check it.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week?

We beat the Rams. Nice. 3 ints by Marc Bulger and we beat the Rams by 4. Cool. We won.

Now that we have that out of the way. The Patriots also got spanked today by the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Wrath Of The Football Gods. The Jets also got smushed by the lowly Bronocs. I guess the Broncos lead their division but they still suck. I watched the Broncos-Jets game with a Brett Favre fan and some of the absolute shit that comes out of his mouth regarding Favre is legendary. Incidentally here's some things I saw Brett Favre do that proves he's the best ever:

  • Once there was a panda bear that wouldn't have sex with any other panda bears to ensure their species lived on. So Brett Favre had sex with the panda and made new baby pandas that had a penchant for throwing debilitating interceptions. That's how good Brett Favre is.
  • I once saw Brett Favre waterski using sharks as the waterskis. That's how good Brett Favre is.
Fuck the Jets.

I Love The Chosen One

This song has been stuck in my head for many moons. From "The Mighty Boosh" which you should check out.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Tom Green Is Doing Just Fine

Remember when Tom Green was really popular? For all we know he wasn't actually in this picture and just photoshopped himself in there to appear relevant. Nah, who am I kidding he totally parties with T-Pain all the time. As an aside, I really like T-Pain. Not his music per se but the mofo is bringing back cool top hats. The world is a crazy place right now and I for one have always said top hats are the solution to all the world's problems.

Album Review: Britney Spears - Circus

First things first: "Circus" is no "Blackout." Got it? Good. That being said this album is decent. It's a combination of some danceable songs and a few ballads. It actually sounds like a combination of her "Blackout" stuff with the Britney Spears of days gone by. The production is solid for the majority of the album (as though we would expect anything less from a Spears' album) but it doesn't have that extra something that propelled "Blackout" into super sleeper awesome status. The title track, "Circus" is good but not great. "Kill the Lights" sounds like it wants to be something special but ends up just being an OK song. My favorite track is definitely, "Lace and Leather." That shit just bumps, unfortunately it's the shortest track on the album. I also kinda fuck with, "Unusual You" not sure why, but I do. I don't know I just expected a whole lot more from this album and I ultimately end up feeling like it let me down. Granted, I haven't tested the album out while inebriated but it definitely is a step back from "Blackout." The irony is that this album will probably end up doing much better commercially than "Blackout" mainly due to the fact that Britney went insane and did no promo for "Blackout" when it was coming out. Ah well.

Official HardPeaches Rating: 5.9/10

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Creepiest Music Video Of All Time

Ummmm. Just a few things. Why are they singing this song to that little black kid? Why do they look like that? Is this our first true glimpse into the realm of Hades?

I Want To Be This Guy

I'm a dreamer. I wanted to be a Wolf when I was five. Unfortunately, that never really panned out for me. Now 20 years later I have a new dream. I want to be this guy. His spins, his moves, his suits. Yes.


Thanksgiving is definitely my favorite holiday. Granted, as a Jew I don't get Christmas which I hear is pretty awesome. But real talk how can you complain about a holiday that always falls on a Thursday (hello 3 day work week) involves copious amounts of food and a solid 8 hours of football? You can't. It's impossible. I hope you all have an awesome Thanksgiving and save me a drumstick.

What's Matt Light Up To?

Hey look who it is. It's Channing Crowder helping out needy families. Yeah he and a ton of other Miami Dolphins players chose to give back to the community this week and helped out the less fortunate to make sure they had food for Thanksgiving. What a class act. I wonder what Matt Light is up to? Probably raping seals. The NFL still hasn't announced any suspensions for the insane head bashing Matt Light engaged in this past Sunday. The NFL is super shady and crazy anyway when it comes to the Patriots. They let them get away with cheating for God knows how long and clearly have no problem holding them to some convoluted double standard. Whatever, the Football Gods do not stand for these type of shenanigans. Fuck you Matt Light.


If some joker tries to point out that Matt Light started a foundation save your breath. We all know that's just a ruse for his fight against the fight to stop AIDS. Dick.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Where The Hell Is My Flying Car?

I saw this story today and it got me thinking. So we can make water out of thin air in the near future but I can't get a fucking flying car up in this piece? Wtf. For years we've been promised flying cars. We're all sick of traffic, let's just open up the vertical space we got going on. Stop worrying about how to ensure the whole world has clean fresh water on which to survive and get me a whip that can haul ass 80 feet above the ground. Flying cars bitches.

What To Say?

This is up there with the "Jesus Is My Friend" clip. Amazing.

Sunday, November 23, 2008


This was a weird fucking movie but also pretty good. It's got Zooey Deschanel in it which is always a good thing. "Eulogy" is a dark comedy and for the most part it's done really well. There are definitely some pretty corny parts and it lost some of its' edge halfway through but it made me laugh. Hank Azaria is in it and also Jean Grey from X-Men. Also I think I'm a huge Ray Romano fan. Weird. Worth a watch.

Official HardPeaches rating: 6.5/10

Infuriating Dolphins Post Of The Week

Matt Light should be suspended at least 4 games. At least. After ripping off Channing Crowder's head this dumb fuck pulled Crowders' dreadlocks and proceeded to punch him in the head with a closed fist several times. Combine that with some of the worst officiating I've ever seen, several key injuries to the Dolphins and a general lack of class from the Patriots and you have a very frustrating day. You can say I'm making excuses but if you get the chance please watch some of the horrendous calls during that were made in this game. Maybe every team gets this many calls against them and I just don't know. But watch Randy Moss' TD on the left side when they went up 38-28. He was mugging the shit out of Andre Goodman and the motherfucker got the call! Unbelievable. Whatever, fuck it.

Bar Story of the Week

I might as well just make this an official feature since some ridiculous shit happens every week I go to the bar. So there was this douchebag Patriots fan sitting behind me just being a usual smug fucking Patriots fan acting in his smug Patriots fan way. Listen, I get hyped when Miami does something good, I cheer for my team. This guy clearly thought I was rubbing it in so he starts mocking what I'm saying every time the Pats do something. If I went, "Booyah Motherfucker" he would thrown in his own little wack version of, "booyah motherfucker" too. Annoying, but bearable. Then the little nerdnuts starts clapping when Matt Light starts beating the fuck out of Channing Crowder's head. Mind you, this is the same guy who's making comments throughout the game like, "Oh, I hate it when people cheer when someone gets injured." By the way, the play where I cheered when someone got "injured" it was obvious Wes Welker just got popped and wasn't seriously hurt. Don't give me that moral highroad bullshit. So when Matt Light started going fucking berserker on Channing I may or may not have yelled out, "Matt Light sucks fat fucking cock and I hope he dies." Might have. This guy apparently took offense to that statement. So he starts trying to say some shit and I turn around and I call him a racist. Trust me, at the time it made perfect sense to me. And let me tell you this guy reacted to that comment like a racist would react to a comment like that. Regardless, then he called me Spanish. What the fuck? What does that even mean? Anyways, I think he totally wanted to kick my ass but like most of the bar accepts my antics and had my back. So I guess the moral of the story is Matt Light is a huge racist and eats babies covered in BBQ sauce.

I was also thinking if anyone ever did the same shit to me that I do to other fans I would go ape-shit and attack them immediately. I guess that makes me the asshole.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Torso on a Bike

I saw one of the weirdest things I've ever seen today. I was outside getting something from the store at work when I saw a guy on a bike. Yes, I'm aware that's completely normal and not weird. What was weird is that in front of him there was a person with no arms or legs. That's right it was just a torso and he was propped up in front of the regular guy on the bike (he was wearing a helmet though). I did a double-take, then another one, then one more for good measure to make sure that I wasn't just coming down from my daily sugar high. Nope, definitely a torso man. Terrifying.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week

Whoa. I'm pretty sure the Dolphins are trying to make my heart explode. After completely dominating the entire game the Dolphins decided to let the Raiders score a touchdown on a 93 yard punt return by Johnny Lee Higgins. That's a stupid name. Then they made me watch them convert on a 4th and 5 to have a rookie kicker attempt the game winner. I mean a win is a win but how about we chill on the cardiac kid type shit. In case you're hating that's two 2 point wins over 2 win teams the last two weeks (that's a of "two's" in one sentence). The Miami Dolphins are now 6-4 and in second place in the division. Ahead of the Patriots and the Bills. It's New England at home next week for a huge divisional game. Flex?

Bonus Dolphins Story:

So when Joey got that last sack to virtually ice the game I immediately sprung to my feet to do the patented "Joey Boot". First boot attempt went off like a charm. The second one not so much. I completely over-kicked and ate it hard in the dead center of the bar. 20-30 people really seemed to enjoy it though and I'm glad I could provide some extra entertainment. My elbow hurts.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Old School

So, for some reason I decided to log onto MySpace today. Does anyone even use that anymore? Regardless, I found my old blog and it's the same shit I do now just from 3 years ago. So I present to you an old blog post in the form of an IM chat between me and another dork. Yes, I used to do a running recap of each episode of The OC. Yeah.

The OC (aim version)

tonight's OC commentary will be presented via an instant messenger conversation i had with a fellow OC watcher who was unable to catch the first 50 minutes of the show:

ZG (8:51:09 PM): what happened up until now
drwho0720 (8:51:20 PM): at break
ZG (8:51:52 PM): at break what
drwho0720 (8:52:24 PM): commercial
drwho0720 (8:54:21 PM): hahaha (referencing summer's mis-usage of "whomever")
drwho0720 (8:54:26 PM): i can't believe he pointed that out
ZG (8:54:28 PM): haha
ZG (8:54:28 PM): yes
ZG (8:54:31 PM): that was funny
drwho0720 (8:56:06 PM): you didn't miss a great one
drwho0720 (8:56:12 PM): ok
ZG (8:56:15 PM): yeah
drwho0720 (8:56:23 PM): so summer got a 2300? on the sat's
drwho0720 (8:56:25 PM): you can't do that
drwho0720 (8:56:28 PM): but they acted like you could
ZG (8:56:34 PM): no you can
drwho0720 (8:56:38 PM): how?
ZG (8:56:39 PM): 2400 point sats
drwho0720 (8:56:43 PM): no way
drwho0720 (8:56:45 PM): 1600
ZG (8:56:49 PM): thats what its been for a few years
ZG (8:56:50 PM): come on man
ZG (8:56:54 PM): they added 800 points
drwho0720 (8:56:55 PM): not when we took it?
ZG (8:56:58 PM): oc is ultra realistic
drwho0720 (8:56:59 PM): really?
ZG (8:57:01 PM): of course not when we took it
drwho0720 (8:57:01 PM): that's bullshit
drwho0720 (8:57:14 PM): fuck that
drwho0720 (8:57:19 PM): i want out of 2400 points
drwho0720 (8:57:21 PM): fuck that
drwho0720 (8:57:23 PM): well anyways
drwho0720 (8:57:27 PM): she decided to apply to brown
drwho0720 (8:57:29 PM): and seth got mad
ZG (8:57:37 PM): y
drwho0720 (8:57:43 PM): because brown usually only takes one person from harbor
drwho0720 (8:57:49 PM): so
drwho0720 (8:57:54 PM): it's kind of dick by summer
ZG (8:57:55 PM): whoah
ZG (8:58:00 PM): i mean it is what it is
drwho0720 (8:58:06 PM): hahaha
drwho0720 (8:58:09 PM): well that's that situation
ZG (8:58:14 PM): ok
drwho0720 (8:58:26 PM): johnny told marissa he loves her while under the influence of vicadin
drwho0720 (8:58:45 PM): because he slipped and fell on a glass he broke when he lost his balance with the crutches
drwho0720 (8:58:51 PM): which was pretty funny
drwho0720 (8:58:58 PM): so there's that
drwho0720 (8:59:09 PM): and julie and kirsten started a catering party planning thing
drwho0720 (8:59:21 PM): but this guy just payed 5000 bucks to go on a private house date with julie
ZG (8:59:28 PM): johnny is just oliver revisited
drwho0720 (8:59:29 PM): so that's their new thing
ZG (8:59:32 PM): thats stupid
drwho0720 (8:59:41 PM): oh and matt
drwho0720 (8:59:44 PM): sandy's new guy
drwho0720 (8:59:52 PM): oh ryan is interning with sandy and matt
drwho0720 (9:00:11 PM): but matt disclosed that his girlfriend who he asked to move with him to the OC and marry him dumped him
drwho0720 (9:00:15 PM): so he went to the strip club
drwho0720 (9:00:17 PM): with ryan
ZG (9:00:26 PM): haha
drwho0720 (9:00:27 PM): and he got fired
drwho0720 (9:00:31 PM): but then sandy re hired him
ZG (9:00:34 PM): for taking ryan to the strip club>?
ZG (9:00:39 PM): thats the whole reason he got fired?
drwho0720 (9:00:40 PM): beause matt like blew this business proposal
ZG (9:00:43 PM): oh ok
drwho0720 (9:00:43 PM): he didn't have figures
drwho0720 (9:00:50 PM): for something sandy specifically asked him to do
drwho0720 (9:00:53 PM): he just burned out
drwho0720 (9:01:15 PM): but this stripper got the people to come back
drwho0720 (9:01:18 PM): because they were clients
drwho0720 (9:01:24 PM): and i think that's it
ZG (9:01:48 PM): johny has a gun in the next episode
drwho0720 (9:02:15 PM): yeah they're going to do something big
drwho0720 (9:02:21 PM): it's chrismikah and everything is normal

by the way, if you read that whole thing and you don't watch the OC i'm really sorry.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Chris Berman Can't Get Enough Of That Haterade

A few pundits are getting a little crazy and picking Miami to win the AFC East. Hey stranger things have happened right? I'm not one of those people saying they're gonna win the division but I'm definitely not ruling it out. However, resident pottymouth Chris Berman has a serious bug up his ass for his pathetic Buffalo Bills and can't stand to see anything good happen to the Dolphins. When asked who could win the AFC East here's what Berman had to say,

“I asked the question who is the best team in the division? My head is telling me New England – expect to win, they know how to win, their coaching is great and they’ve got a lot of guys who won’t accept losing at all. My heart is telling me Buffalo – Yes, I enjoy a team being built, and seeing them, kind of, grow. Though, that’s settling a little bit. But my eyes, from last week, the Jets are an interesting team.”

Oh, so basically you like everyone to win the division except the Dolphins. Way to pick a team fucktard. Sorry we predictably beat your pathetic Bills a few weeks ago but at least try to pull your balding dome out of your pooper long enough to appreciate that the Dolphins have as much of a chance as anyone to win that division. Fucker.

Role Models

I saw this last night and the more I think about it the more I think I like it. Sure there are probably 4-5 too many dick jokes but overall this movie delivered when it clearly could have sucked balls. Rudd and Stiffler (does anyone actually know his real name?) are decent enough but the real stars are the kids and the auxiliary players. Gale Sweeney (that lady from all the mock docs) does a great job and seriously knows how to handle a bagel dog. This review is horrible isn't it? Whatever. Whispering eye.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 7/10.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week

In case you haven't been counting that's three Awesome Dolphins Posts of the Week in a row. It wasn't pretty. It was almost entirely painful to watch but the Dolphins survived a seemingly whole game rally by the hapless Seahawks to win 21-19 today in Miami. I was in Boston this weekend so I caught the game up there. Of course I was a screaming ass for most of the game. People seem to genuinely support us in bars nowadays so that's nice. Ricky Williams was phenomenal rushing for 105 yards on 12 carries, including a 51-yard TD out of the Wildcat formation. Ted Ginn also looked really good even if his stats don't jump off the page. He returned the opening kick for a touchdown but it was called back because of some bullshit face-mask penalty that had nothing to do with the play. We held on when it mattered and I'll fucking take it. 5-4 now right in the thick of the AFC Wildcard race. Wait...what? Sure people could hate and say we just barely survived against a shitty 2-6 Seahawks team, but so what? We won, it counts. You see playoff teams lose to shitty teams all the time in the NFL so a win is a win. Unless you're the Jets and you run up the score against a pathetic Rams team. That's a douchebag win and we all know those are different than regular wins. Classy. We're 500% better than last year through 9 games. Holla atcha boys.

P.S. Joey Porter also had another half sack. Putting him at 12 for the season.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I Like Turtles Too

I'm here for the people. I just had a 16 hour work day and what do I do when I come home? I fucking blog that's what. Dedication "my friends" (said in John McCain tone).

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Brandon Marshall Is A Whiny Bitch

In the aftermath of the Broncos stunning predictable loss to the Dolphins, Broncos receiver Brandon Marshall opened the gaping asshole he calls his mouth to try and talk some shit about Joey Porter.

“Joey Porter is one of those guys who, when you’ve got one of those guys that talk a lot of trash and just want to talk about people or put people down, they have their own insecurities. His insecurities, I don’t know, but he’s definitely one of those guys who, you know, all those muscles are popcorn muscles, he’s soft. We hear stories floating around the league all the time about him you know, in night clubs dancing with his shirt off like a girl or on the playground getting beat up in California. He’s one of those guys that you know, no matter how big he is can get knocked on his butt. He’s soft, he’s soft at heart and you can tell by the way he’s talking. His nickname is Peezy, I don’t know what “Peezy” is, Joey.

Seriously Brandon? I mean, really? Aren't you the same dude who got taken out by a McDonalds bag? And you have the balls to call Peezy soft? Listen, I can understand you're upset that Joey got in your head and totally fucked with you and your supremely overrated quarterback but at least have the intelligence to not call the most dominant pass rusher in the league this season soft. I mean I guess if you meant that he's soft in the sense of the word that he doesn't go around beating up his girlfriends yeah then he's pretty soft. Do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut your mouth you dumb motherfucker. I realize you're going to be an elite receiver, but to date you've done pretty much nothing. Joey has won a superbowl and has gone to the pro bowl three times so far in his career (he's also a lock for it this year). You want to know what "Peezy" is? He's your worst fucking nightmare bitch so shut the fuck up and show some respect.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Who Are You Voting For?

So who are you guys voting for? I know it's somewhat impolite to ask but it's all anonymous here so who cares? I'm voting for Obama. No, not Barack. He's cool but his wife is cooler. That's right, I'm voting for Michelle Obama. In fact I already wrote that in on my absentee ballot. I mean how can you pass on an ass like that, nawaddameen? So who are you voting for? Poll.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week

Hey, I could get used to this winning stuff. Feeling pretty good right now. Very solid victory. I was a little surprised how ineffective our running game was considering how bad the Broncos were against the run coming in, but whatever. The best thing about this game is how we shut down Denver's receivers. Brandon Marshall was completely shut down. Definitely did not see that one coming. Jason Allen stepped up and played very well helping out with an interception. Will Allen also had a pick six. And of course Peezy got a sack. That's 11.5 on the season for Joey. He's clearly the emotional leader of the team at this point. As well he should be considering the way he was jawing and hollering at the Broncos the whole game how can you not rally around the dude? Oh and don't overlook our rush defense. Denver had 14 yards on the ground the entire game. Yeah. Listen we're 4-4 right now. If the Patriots lose tonight we'll be one game behind every team in the division. Plus we have a 2-1 divisional record. Also, take a look at our upcoming games:

  • Seattle at home
  • Oakland at home
  • New England at home
  • At St. Louis
  • At Buffalo
  • San Francisco at home
  • At Kansas City
  • At New York Jets
All I'm saying is, we should and can win at least 5 of those games. That puts us at 9 wins. Before the season that record was unfathomable. Now it's just idealistic hoping. I'll take it. Watch out NFL the Dolphins are on the upswing.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


I've had at least 8 packs of Halls today. It's really the only thing that fends off the sharp stinging pain in my throat. The vapor action is like crack. I'm just worried that after I'm done being sick I'm still gonna crave these things. Seriously, if Halls commanded me to organize an army of evil babies to take over the world I'd do it. My throat huwts...=(

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The NBA: Snoozefest '09

The NBA started again. Blah, blah, blah. The NBA isn't quite as bad as say Soccer or Hockey but man the regular season is unfathomably boring. Last year when I co-hosted a sports talk radio show at Berklee I had to watch a ton of basketball so I could pretend to know what I was talking about. That just confirmed how much it sucks now. Everyone knows, college basketball is where it's at.

Sick Days

Sick days kinda suck now. When I was young I remember always exaggerating various illnesses so I could stay home sick. Back then being sick usually entailed watching Gilligan's Island and Golden Girls all day. Now when I get sick I get scenes like today. Which basically entailed me calling various doctor's in Manhattan to make sure they A) accepted my insurance and B) the co-pay was low enough. Fun. On top of that the guy I saw shoved a camera up my nose just so he could look around. I wasn't very fond of that maneuver to be honest. He had to numb my nose up and put this weird paste in there then stuck the camera thingy up there. Ugh. Plus antibiotics are a fucking rip. So yeah being sick now actually sucks and wasn't the awesome time it was when I was ten.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week

Ha. Ha. Ha. The Bills. God love 'em. I mean 5-1 definitely got them sippin that kool-aid. They hadn't played any divisional games yet and pretty much beat up on weaklings but old Leroy down at the bar was talking 13-3 at halftime. I love it. The highlights:

  • Ted Ginn Jr. has 7 catches for 175 yards. That wasn't a typo.
  • Joey Porter is unstoppable. 2 more sacks and 2 forced fumbles one leading to a safety. Joey is gonna be Defensive MVP. You heard it hear first. It's very reminiscent of when JT won MVP in 2006. You just know Joey is gonna step up and make a huge play when it really matters. Wonderful.
  • Turnovers. 4 to 1 in favor of the Dolphins. Our DB's held on to balls (pause) when they were thrown directly at them and fumbles galore. Very encouraging.
Trust me I'm not gonna start going crazy and saying this team is gonna be awesome this year. In all likelyhood we won't be great. But if the Dolphins can maintain some consistency we've proven we can at least win some games people don't expect us to win. Thanks for the unanimous picks against us NFL Gameday crew. Suck it Chris Berman!

*Bonus Story*

So I decided to drink pitchers to myself at the bar this weekend because I was sandwiched between two Bills fans and everyone in that area kind of hates me because I'm a huge asshole. So I was feeling it and I saw a guy in a Redskins jersey so I went up to tell him that the Lions suck and that the Redskins got it. I go up touch this guy's shoulder and he freaks the fuck out. He starts yelling at me, "Don't touch me, don't touch me. Don't fucking touch me!" Turns out he's a regular and a few of my bar friends there know him and he's not a bad guy just really weird. Regardless, my friends were sitting right next to him at the opposite end of the bar from from where I was so I'd get up once in a while to harass them about the Jets almost losing to Kansas City. Next to my friends was a woman who I'm guessing was no younger than 80 years old. Every time I would get up and go over there she proceeded to wag her finger at me and go, "No touchy, no touchy!" Then she took a tequila shot with everyone. Anyways moral of the story is if you see a fat red-headed guy at a bar wearing a Redskins jersey with MOE on the back of it do not touch him.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

WTF PSA of the Day

One of my favorite things is ridiculous PSA's. Public service announcements for those not in the know. This one is particularly noteworthy. Now, I should point out that a lot of people find this to be horrible and not funny in the least. You really can't take the middle ground on this one. I personally find it hilarious. I mean, I get that the message is supposed to be that landmines are bad and in countries where they have them horrible shit happens. I get that. However, whoever produced this went a little bit, hmmm how should I put this...batshit insane. The dad in this should get a freaking Emmy for this commercial. Or at least a motherfucking Soap award. His overacting is priceless. The way he runs over. The way he screams, "Staaaaacy" and "AGHHHHH!" I mean that's a true fucking thespian right there. Plus the little girl limping off. Legendary. So we're gonna have a poll on this video since after showing to this to some people they have labeled me a heartless fuck.

P.S. How bad is the fucking red team? I mean that's the easiest goal ever.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Depressing Dolphins Post of the Week

"Who's Unibrow up there?" you might be asking yourself. It's none other than Ravens quarterback (and projected bust of the decade excluding Brady Quinn) Joe Flacco. Has there ever been a more wienertastic picture of an NFL QB? Oh right. Regardless, this motherfucker threw to one person the entire game. How many times do I have to sit at the bar yelling at the TV to cover Derrick Mason before the Dolphins coaches can hear me? God damnit! If it wasn't for Joey Porter and Ronnie Brown I'd have nothing to look forward to on Sunday. Luckily those two are Pro Bowl bound and make the Dolphins bearable. Fuck you Joe Flacco and your unibrow!

Oh and a special fuck you to Cam Cameron. You sleazy milquetoast motherfucker, I hope you choke on your fish sandwich (I took the liberty of assuming he has a fish sandwich and a milk for every meal of the day).


I saw this movie this weekend. I had heard good things about it but to be blunt this movie blew me away. I watched the mofo twice. All I'm gonna say is if you like well written, well acted, amazingly executed movies with great music (scene on the beach equals holy shit) and love tragedies this is your shit. Check it out.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 8.9/10

P.S. I'm officially in love with Keira Knightley.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Depressing Dolphins Post of the Week

I'm posting that picture because I'm a masochist. 3 seconds. 4th and 2. We can't stop a gangly ass white dude from going up the gut to score the go ahead TD? What in the bloody fuck is that shit? Man, I don't even know what to say. Listen, I'm somewhat rational when it comes to the Dolphins (blatant lie). I realize that we're not a very good team. But we spanked the shit out of the Patriots (albeit Brady-less) and we effectively beat the shit out of the Chargers (who spanked the Brady-less Pats). We can't beat a fucking win-less Texans team? Listen, we've never beaten the Texans, in fact they're the only team we've never beaten in the NFL. That's irrelevant though. If the Dolphins are going to truly turn a corner this season, we win these fucking games. Shit, it's not even like I didn't know Andre Johnson was gonna shred us and essentially pull down his pants and lay a big steaming doody all over our DB's. That was obvious. It's just...GOD DAMNIT. I'm so fucking pissed off right now. Listen, if the Dolphins want my still beating heart on a fucking platter they can have it. Just don't make me watch Matt Schaub pull a QB draw to win a fucking game at the last fucking second. Clog the middle you motherfuckers!!! FUCK.

Construction Paper

So much for getting off of work on Columbus day huh? We always used to get off for it in school right? Sheeeyut, remember when we were in elementary school (I'm taking a leap of faith here and assuming all of my readers are above grade 5) and construction paper was part of our lives? Those were the days. You don't really hear about construction paper anymore. Or the big slicer thing that every teacher told you to be careful with. As if somehow we were just gonna be slicing and dicing all willy nilly. We get it, it's a huge slicer don't chop off any fingers. This post doesn't really have any cohesive theme, I for one am just upset that construction paper was ripped out of my life so suddenly and no one really ever brings it up anymore. Construction paper bitches.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Crushing Life

I'd like to direct your attention over to the Linktastic section of this blog. The what? Yeah, you see that little thing over there to the right that says "Linktastic." That's it hotshot you got it. Now click on Crushing Life. New blog by a good friend which is bound to be awesome. Not quite as awesome as this one, but as close as is humanly possible. Here's a link for you extremely lazy people:

Crushing Life

Baby Mama

I've been going through Tina Fey withdrawal lately. What with 30 Rock still on hiatus and those titillating Fey as Palin skits on SNL. So I decided to get my fix via "Baby Mama." I mean how can you go wrong with Fey and Poehler right? Shit the movie even has Steve Martin, Sigourney Weaver, Greg Kinnear and like every current SNL member. So much to my shagrin this movie is absolutely, unequivocally, unabashedly horrible. Shocking how bad this movie is really. I suppose if you're a 37 year old woman without a child who wants one you might be able to relate but I can't imagine even in that case that it would be funny. So save your time and money and never see this movie. I know, I know it's tempting but trust me this movie is Stinkfest 4000.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 4.3/10

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Subway

I pretty much have to take the subway every day now. It's really not that bad. Sure it's crowded, smelly and most people avoid direct eye contact like the plague but it's usually fine. Here's my issue. The people who think they're so cool that they don't need to hang on to the bars if they're standing up. Those people piss me off so much. Hey hot-shot, give me a fucking break. We all know that if the train suddenly jerks you're going down, no need to show off that you can stand in a calm environment. I just feel like it's bragging is all. So yeah fuck those people.

Bonus story, yesterday I saw a woman in a wheelchair using her feet to pull her self along. What the fuck is that shit?

Friday, September 26, 2008


Did you hear? John McCain is attending the Presidential Debate tonight! What a noble move by him. I mean he didn't want to go because the economy is fucked up, that's cool. It's not as if the President would have to ever talk about or address the state of the economy. Also it's not even like he's running for president or anything...oh wait. He is? This dumb mutherfucker. Last time I checked if you're running for president you go to the fucking Presidential Debate. What does he want Obama to do sit up there and talk for two hours? Obama doesn't want to do that...actually, that's probably exactly what he wants to do. Thank you John McCain for being so ridiculously stupid that it entertains even the severly jaded such as myself.