Tuesday, August 25, 2009

District 9


A couple of months ago I saw a sign like the one above plastered on a building in the LES. I had no idea what it meant but I assumed we were just harboring aliens somewhere. No biggie. Much to my surprise it was a promotional advertisement for the movie "District 9." "District 9" by the way is a pretty shitty movie. It's shot cool it looks cool and then the aliens and some dude start becoming buddies and it's like hey guys you had a cool concept on your hands you don't have to do literally everything in your power to make it terrible. But they did and so this is the movie we get. I'd say skip it if you want to save 2 hours of life.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 4/10

Heavy Stuff



You know when you lift something really heavy up and then you go and try to get a drink of water in a glass and you completely misjudge the weight of the glass and spill water on yourself? That's bullshit.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Picture of the Day


Egyptian bust carved between 1550 BC and 1050 BC. Michael Jackson obviously had a time machine. This is of a woman by the way.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Mr. Spriggs BBQ Seems Pretty Pretty Cool



Obviously one of the top 5 best commercials in the history of commercials that are based around bbq and smooth rnb grooves. The guy's reaction at the :32 mark is fantastic. I'm booking my ticket to Oklahoma right now.



*blatantly stolen from Phonte's Twitter page.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Picture of the Day


I can't figure out what it means either.

We've Gone Too Far



Listen, I get it babies are cute and people like cute things. So if you have babies do things that grown people normally do that would be especially cute. But Evian it doesn't work like that and you are so so wrong. This is terrible, it's scary and horrible and every synonym that means DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THIS.

Movie Review That No One Cares About


"Reign Over Me" starring Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle is a touching movie about loss, grief, and how people interact when faced with adversity. Ugh, punch me in the fucking face for typing that. But that's really what the movie is about. You know, in actuality it wasn't that bad. I'm a sucker for the emotional comedomelodrama's (it's a word, look it up). Sandler gives a pretty awesome performance and actually outshines Cheadle. Cheadle does most of the heavy lifting and should be commended for that but Sandler definitely pulls an oopty-oop (also a word) and one-ups Cheadle. All-in-all I liked this film. Good review? Great review.

Official Hard Peaches Rating: 6.8/10


P.S.

Since I watch so many random (and usually terrible) movies that I doubt most people would have any interest in I've decided to make the Movie Review That No One Cares About a feature. Deal with it.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I Am King Of The Nerds



While watching this video of people doing things the fastest in the world (ladies, you know I got one of those records, hey-ooooo) I immediately noticed the music. What is it you ask me? Well it's obviously the music that plays when you fight Gilgamesh in Final Fantasy V. So yes, I'm a huge nerd.

Monday, July 13, 2009

This Lady Speaks Squirrel



This seemingly innocuous video of two news anchors commenting on some video of a squirrel with a yogurt cup stuck on its' head could be considered cute and absurd. I for one, think this clip could be the single most important video for the furthering of inter-species communications in the history of history. The lady newsman drops it casually but she lets on that she knows A) of an existence of a squirrel language B) that given the scenario this squirrel said "thank you" in the aforementioned squirrel language. There is no C). Scientists need to take this woman and study her in the name of science for the benefit of humankind. And Squirrelkind.

Bruno


Bruno. Hmmm. Do you like penis? If you like penis you will love this movie. Personally I only like one penis and that's my own. We get along great. However, despite the abundant amount of cock and balls Bruno is a pretty solid movie (pun maybe not intended?). There are some genuinely hilarious parts (the terrorist interview, the middle-east summit, the fake talk-show with his African baby) and there are definitely some parts where you don't want to look at the screen. Bruno falls somewhere in between a really funny awesome movie and something I don't think I'll ever see again.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 6.5

Friday, July 10, 2009

Picture of the Day


Quick name the best thing about this photo. Bong? Nope. Humongous bottle of booze? Wrong again. Raccoon shirt with matching sweats? Winner.

Music Video Of The Day



What a way to get your Friday going. You're welcome.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Bollywood He-Man



We can all die happy now. Also, note I'll be at the beach the next few days enjoying life more than you. Happy 4th to everybody!

Monday, June 29, 2009

MJ Climbs A Tree



Such a rare glimpse into the "real" Michael Jackson. This will most likely be the last post on MJ for a while. Thanks to all of you who put up with it, and blogging about the man really isn't much of a tribute but we really lost a great one last week. Rest In Peace Michael.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

RIP MJ


Michael Jackson died today at the age of 50. Some people think he's a creepy pedophile but the fact of the matter is this man gave more to music than almost any other person over the span of his career. There will most definitely be a tribute mix to follow soon. Sad day for musc. RIP MJ.

Set and Setting



They (and I) say the most important things when you're embarking on a hallucinogenic voyage is set and setting. I think it's safe to say tent outside of parking lot is not the best setting. In terms of setting having a douchebag outside your tent saying you can't handle the acid you took definitely follows in the not so good category. In fairness she did have some words of wisdom with the "sex, sex, baby baby, die die boom boom." Truth.

Gooby Is Real. Very, Very Real



Looks like a winner. Altough, I guarantee it's still better than "Knowing."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Hangover


Ahhh "The Hangover." Was this the best comedy of the year? I sure fucking hope not. See now, the problem with "The Hangover" is the pre-hype and the post-hype. It wasn't a bad movie but by no stretch of the imagination was it a good movie. It sits comfortably in between right at average funny movie. Zach Galifiniakis (dude with the beard) was the shining beacon of hilarity in an otherwise meandering yarn about a trip to Vegas. Just how average of a movie was it? Even Ed Helms wasn't good in it. In fact, several times his character was just plain annoying. Bradley Cooper was good I guess but really a non-factor if you ask me. Sure, there are some funny scenes in it (mainly with Galifiniakis) but overall this movie isn't as good as everyone is telling you it is. I don't know if it's the previews or just peer pressure but comparing it to a movie like the recent "I Love You Man" or even the under the radar "Hot Rod" this movie ain't all that. See it if you must but if you don't you're not missing anything special.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 5.6/10

Monday, June 22, 2009

Knowing


Every so often a movie comes along that changes your life. This is one of those movies. To say it's unbelievable is an understatement. Just let the words of Roger Ebert do the talking,

"Knowing" is among the best science-fiction films I've seen -- frightening, suspenseful, intelligent and, when it needs to be, rather awesome.


The only part of that I'd disagree with is the entire statement. "Knowing" is hands down one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life. And trust me, I've seen a lot of shitty fucking movies. To try to encapsulate just how bad this movie is, is truly impossible. The plot is simple enough. Nicolas Cage is an astro-physicist who's a single father. At his son's school they dig up a time capsule from 50 years prior. His son receives an envelope with all these numbers written on a piece of paper. Through divine intervention or maybe just a horrible screenplay Cage figures out that the numbers are prophetic. So on and so forth. Standard apocalyptic Hollywood nonsense. That alone is hardly grounds for calling it one of the worst movies ever. The thing about "Knowing" is that almost everything about it is bad. It's long, it's pedantic, it's forced, it's stupid, it's hackneyed pretty much any word you can think of to describe a horrible movie that's what it is. The last half-hour of the movie is truly unbelievable. It's just...I can't even describe. What I will say is if you really dislike somebody recommend that they watch this movie because I'm pretty sure they switched over to showing this to prisoners at Gitmo after they were forced to stop waterboarding people. I'll leave you with this highly accurate quote from Ty Burr of the Boston Globe:

It's a Nicolas Cage movie, so, admit it, you're expecting crazy. You have no idea.


Official Hard Peaches rating: .1/10


P.S.

This is how I felt right after watching "Knowing" minus the remote "stuff."



"Do you want me to hate my life!?"

Friday, June 19, 2009

Your 3 Guys Dancing Oddly To Ocarina Of Time of the Day (PAUSE)



This is not gay. This is hilarious. If you don't enjoy the "Ocarina of Time" music then just do yourself a favor and never come to this blog again.

Wale feat. Mike Posner, Big Sean & Kenn Starr - Wonder Why (prod. 9th Wonder) [Final Version]


Check out Kenn Starr (his blog is featured in the Linktastic section which I know you all go to religiously) on a Wale track entitled "Wonder Why." Yezzur.

DOWNLOAD LINK ------> Wale feat. Mike Posner, Big Sean & Kenn Starr - Wonder Why

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I Think I Might...


I designed these myself. Not a whole lot going on except reppin' strong here. I like this shoe but I'm as of yet undecided.

These Cats Are Totally Like A Metaphor For Legalization...Man



This is why I'm against legalization. Although they were pretty frisky and playful.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Celebrity Hotness Scale: Megan Fox



It's the age-old debate. How hot is a celebrity? I mean, really? The mere fact that a celebrity is a celebrity most likely guarantees a certain base-level of hotness. That much is a given. But then it gets complicated. This isn't the "would you hit it?" test. That test has no bearing in the celebrity hotness query. The real question is, "is this (in this case and in every case that will be discussed here) female celebrity worthy of all the attention being thrown her way?" The issue is highlighted with the newest "it" girl Megan Fox. I guess there's some other "it" girls right now but I don't watch "Twilight" so whatever. Now, Megan Fox is hot. You see this girl on the street she's a 10. But on the celebrity hotness scale I'm not seeing her actual hotness fall in line with what she's being credited for. I even saw that someone said she's the next Angelina Jolie in terms of being a universal sex symbol. Granted, I may have seen that on a homeless guys cardboard message sign but nevertheless. Me personally? I use a celebrity sliding hotness scale (because these are the things I come up with in my spare time) that takes into account their actual attractiveness and the fact that they are being sold to us as consumers as the ultimate in terms of sexiness and hotness. On my scale Ms. Fox is sitting at a solid 8. Guess what people, poll time. Adhering to the celebrity hotness scale how hot is Megan Fox?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Note to Lady: You Are Not Maintaining Your Dignity



This may be the worst idea I've ever seen. Maybe if they used cartoon bears like the Charmin commercials it would have been a little more palatable (bad choice of words) but ummm, GROSS!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Ciara Is Not Not Hot






Hey when your album gets pushed backed like twelve times and ultimately ends up being pretty lackluster it helps to have a body like Ciara's. Niiiiiiiiice.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Picture of the Day


That's racist!

Open Letter to TimeWarner Cable

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing today to express my feeling that you are hands down, by far the worst cable company in the history of cable companies. Let me preface this by saying I have dealt with no less than 4 different cable companies the past several years. Therefore, I feel I have the experience and knowledge to back up my claim. Here are several reasons why you are the worst:

Firstly, why would you not offer NFLN? I don't care about MLBTV or NBATV. Those sports are garbage and I'd gladly trade 100 of my channels for NFLN. I don't care what the details are get your thumbs out of your collective asses and fix this.

Second, how the fuck are you gonna charge me $40 to come pick up my cable box because it's broken. I didn't break it, you gave me a shitty cable box and now you want to charge me to come and pick it up? I really hate you.

Third, why are you the only cable company that I can get? I live in NYC and you're telling me I only have one choice when it comes to cable? This is insane? Everywhere else I have ever lived there are at least two choices when it comes to cable providers. I don't know who's D you're S'ing but I hope you get VD.

In summation, you're the worst and I hope terrible things happen to you.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

One Person Can Change The World



Or just get a bunch of drugged up hippies to start dancing. Either or.

"Irrational" Fear of Flying


Today, we'll be dealing with what some refer to as an "irrational" fear of flying. Proponents of the term "irrational fear" when dealing with boarding commercial airliners often point to the probability of actually encountering a mishap that leads to a plane crashing. People often bring up that "car crashes are much more statistically probable than a plane crash." OK, fair enough. I will acknowledge that car crashes are more likely than commercial airline crashes, however, more people drive than fly. That's a fact Jack. In addition how many people out there get knives thrown at their heads for a circus act? I bet the probability of people dying from knives being thrown at their heads for the majority of us is really low. Even the circus performers probably rarely die. You want to go try that out? Right.

The overarching point of this is I am what you would call apprehensive when it comes to flying. I'll fly if I have to but if I do I'm putting back at least 3 Tanqueray and Tonics before I board. I know there are way more easy and probable ways to die but fuck if I'm gonna up my chance by getting on one of these death flights. I once read the book "Airframe" but Michael Chrichton and that pretty much sealed the deal on my "irrational fear." Actually, no it didn't "Air Emergency" the show sealed the deal. I just don't trust it and if that makes it irrational then so be it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Obama Bumper Sticker = Terrible Driver


While slowly becoming a member of the people who have cars club again I've noticed a troubling phenomenon. Apparently, we have a black President! No that's not the troubling phenomenon. I'm here talking about a much more serious issue. The issue of terrible terrible drivers slapping Obama stickers on their bumpers. There seems to be some type of fundamental correlation between choosing to put an Obama bumper sticker on your car and lacking the ability to make sound driving decisions. I first noticed this about a month ago but thought nothing of it. There are a lot of bad drivers and a lot of Obama supporters so to be fair it could just be coincidence. But then I started to realize what was unfolding right before my eyes. Literally every single person with an Obama bumper sticker was a horrible driver. There are no exceptions. So my message to you is if you're driving or in the car with someone and you see someone with an Obama bumper sticker get the hell away from them. If you actually have an Obama bumper sticker on your car then, um, I don't know how to tell you this but you suck at driving.

This just in a video of someone with an Obama bumper sticker* trying to parallel park.




*Yes, I know that's not the United States. Doesn't mean dude doesn't support Obama with a bumper sticker.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

"I Survived" Is Awesome


I recently discovered a hidden gem of a channel in the Biography Channel. A friend tipped me off because they were showing a Randy Jackson biography and hey, you're not gonna not watch a Randy Jackson bio. In addition to this wonderful channel showing tons of biographies they also show all these crazy crime and psychic shows. Can you say wheelhouse? A show that I particularly enjoyed over this long weekend (note: they're all long to me) was "I Survived." It's a show where different people describe harrowing experiences that each of them somehow survived despite amazing odds against them. You know, things like kidnappings, murder attempts, hostage situations, wilderness mishaps, machinery errors, just crazy fucking shit. Usually I'm not into stuff like that but man is it riveting! I like to watch it so if I ever encounter a situation on the show I'll know what to do. For instance if you get shot in the head 4 times and stabbed in the neck 27 times it's wise not to die. Valuable info right there. Anyways, I endorse the Bio Channel heavily and you should definitely check it out.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Your Innappropriate Of The Day



I could have titled this post Whore Training Part 1 but I didn't. Nice Mizzou shirt...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Pizza Hut Preys On Dumb Families


The pizza wars seem to be heating up right now. See what I did there? Heating up? Pizza? Get it? No? Fuck you. Anyways, Domino's has been advertising their Bread Bowls which to me just seem like a horrible horrible idea (if by horrible I mean the the 10th time I saw the commercial I totally wanted one) and Pizza Hut has been big upping their new Tuscani Pasta. Now in Pizza Hut's latest commercial they take a family and blindfold them to do a taste test on their new pasta. We've seen all the other commercials and we definitely don't believe that people can't tell the difference between a nice Italian restaurants pasta and Pizza Hut's. But Pizza Hut is taking it to another level. This family is blindfolded led back into their house where the Pizza Hut people reveal that they've BEEN IN THEIR HOUSE THE WHOLE TIME!!! Now don't get me wrong, either this is the stupidest fucking family in the United States or Pizza Hut is full of shit. For the family's sake let's hope that Pizza Hut are a bunch of liars and their buttery gross pasta is stupid and this ad campaign is retarded. Because the other option is accepting the fact that this family (all of them) didn't realize that they were in their own home at their own table in their own kitchen. Hey let's get in the "car" guys. Geez this is a really quiet car. Oh yeah it's a Hybrid they're really sweet. Well here we are at the restaurant guys ready for some pasta? Man that restaurant was really close it hardly seemed like we even went anywhere. No, no we're totally at a different location how's the pasta? Amazing...oh my God we're in our on home hyuk hyuk we're morons.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Jaaaam!



The remix of this featuring Lil Wayne is also pretty awesome. Oh yeah and EARS!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Happy Cinco De Mayo!


First off, I'm not really sure why a Shofar is playing a conga in that picture. Today is Cinco de Mayo which is perhaps my favorite holiday to celebrate for no apparent reason. I think it signifies Mexico's independence or some silly thing like that but I think we all know it better for drinking a shitload of Mexican beer and Tequila. If I had to choose one arbitrary holiday to celebrate Cinco de Mayo wins in a landslide. St. Patrick's day is OK but I find the Irish to be depressing and alcoholics. Mexicans on the other hand have an amazing work ethic and are very friendly. Have I sufficientely stereotyped two races? Yes, I think I have. Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody!

Cinco, Cinco, Cinco De MAYO!!!!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Stepbrothers Bonus Clips

Stepbrothers is one of my favorite movies of all time ever. Check out these bonus clips. If you don't know about how awesome this movie is you're totally cheating yourself.

Name Confusion

Fancy Sauce



Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Seeya Later John Beck


Well as the saying goes you win some and you lose some. Also, sometimes Cam Cameron (I call him the Gobbler) is your head coach and makes your favorite team draft a 26-year old Mormon with a 2nd round pick. The Miami Dolphins cut ties with their former 2nd round pick John Beck April 27. I will be the first one to admit I was convinced John Beck was going to be the savior of the Dolphins. I was drinking the kool-aid that year. Trent Green would be awesome and then seamlessly hand over the reigns to John Beck midway through the season. Thank the heavens that the football Gods do not curse the Dolphins like they do other teams. Sure we went 1-15 the year Beck was drafted and Cleo Lemon was far and away our best QB but that led to The Gobbler getting fired and Parcells, Ireland, and Sparano coming in to help turn things around.

John Beck represents a lot of things to me. Not only is he one of the last remaining ties to the Cam Cameron era Beck gave me a glimpse of what several years of constant mismanagement and ineptitude can do to a fan's psyche. I was ready to believe that John Beck was the answer to all of the Dolphins woes. Now I kind of know why Lions, Redskins, Jets, Bears, and Browns fans think the way they do. When you're bad for so long you lose all perspective. You can see other teams doing succesful things but it's still so easy to get suckered in to believing that a move that you know isn't going to help the team might actually end up saving your team. It's a terrible affliction and I truly sympathize with fans of those teams...to an extent.

The Dolphins going 11-5 last year was the most miraculous season of my Dolphins loving life. It completely restored my faith in the game of football and coupled with the Patriots going 18-1 the year before was just a marvelous indicator that there are certain unalterable rules that can't be broken. I picked the Miami Dolphins as my favorite team because when I was a kid I was intrigued by the legends of Dolphins past (Csonka, Griese, '72 team) while simultaenously I was able to watch Dan Marino and Don Shula dominate teams. Let me put this in perspective a little more. The Dolphins have a total of FIVE losing season since the merger in 1970. THREE of those losing seasons came in the past five years. Think about that. To see the Dolphins go 1-15 was beyond painful and was the culmination of a team that didn't know what it was doing for about 5-6 years. Cutting ties with a major player from that year in Beck represents a whole hell of a lot more to me than just wasting a second round pick. It represents that I team I love and will love forever is finally back on track. It's a good feeling.

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Chicago Larry Shows Up


This was a great reunion special. We learned that Ray J and Cocktail are still together, which is bizarre to me. We found out Danger isn't pregnant with Ray J's baby. We also got more confirmation that Unique is the worst via an awesome audience member (or Ray J girl?) who yelled out "least she got paid for it" when Unique was trying to talk shit about Danger being a prostitiute. Amen. Chardonnay admitted that she still has feelings for Ray J which is awkward because Ray J won't just admit that he's not that in to her. Although, he did pull out the best explanation of now how they're off the show and he can have sex free from shame. Even the audience applauded him on that one. The best part of the night was when Chicago Larry came out and had to sit there awkwardly explaining how it's just about "business" with Caviar. Yeah, business Larry, I read you loud and clear. Oh yeah and Cashmere was looking niiiiiice. Shouldn't be too long before Ray J 2 comes along.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Many Different Races Enjoy Popeye's Fried Chicken



Just not in this news segment. Real talk though, I'd be heated too if Popeye's pulled some bullshit like this when I rolled up ready to crush some perfectly seasoned Popeye's chicken. The real question is, did they run out of biscuits too? That's when it's time to start going ape-shit.

P.S.

It's get free chicken day at KFC but we all know KFC is to Popeyes as Soccer is to Football*





*Real Football non of that pansy running around a field for 90 minutes bullshit.

Viennetta


You know what today is? Today is the day I kick it old school over at Hard Peaches and actually write about shit. Yeah you remember, back when Hard Peaches was just getting started and people didn't complain that all I do is post videos?

I figure I'll get the day started with an excellent dessert treat that a lot of people don't seem to remember. Show of hands, how many of you ever fucked with Viennetta? When I was younger this was the holy grail of frozen desserts (yes that's a thing). It's an ice cream cake chocolate delicious yummy awesome thing that seriously used to rock my world. I was randomly reminded of it yesterday because I brought up my oh so popular opinion that cakes aren't so great and that if I have to eat a cake ice-cream cakes are the way to go. They are by the way. I don't know if they still make Viennetta but if they do, do yourself a favor and check it out, you can thank me later with some Viennetta.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Your Redman MTV Cribs Of The Day




Baaaaaaallin!*





*people are still saying that right?

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon


Yes, I am aware this is the worst show to ever be put on TV (late night or otherwise) but please let me explain. A band I thoroughly enjoy, Chester French, were performing and the tickets were free so I went with a good friend to a taping of the show.

So you get to 30 Rock and let me tell you about this place. It fucking sucks. It's huge and it's hot and they have this weird no idling policy for people waiting to see tapings. What this means is you can't lean for a second anywhere or a security guard will come up and ask you what you're doing and tell you to keep walking around. Me and my friend (whatup SK!) ended up walking around for about 20 minutes before they finally let us into these weird designated holding areas. This was the worst part of the whole experience. For about an hour we were cooped up with weirdos who asked questions like, "So have you ever seen the show? Because I have I watch it every night, it's the best show ever." I mean, thanks for the heads up that you're officially insane but I'm just gonna continue to fan myself with this free coupon for Top Of The Rock. We finally get into the show and of course in there it's like hte inside of a butcher's freezer. Some douchey warm-up guy comes and is predictably douchey and then the show starts. Let me say this, it's worth the price of admission (free) to go to a taping of this show just for The Roots. Fucking awesome. Still to this day the band or artists I've seen more than anyone and I just added another notch to the belt. The guests were Jeremy O'Connel who's officially delusional and Thomas Lennon from "The State" and "Reno 911. Lennon was kinda funny and he talked about "The State" coming out on DVD which is excellent news. There were a few lame segments that Jimmy Fallon does who is by far the most nervous host of anything ever. Then the band came out and since we were in the special "band bench" section we got to go behind the band and dance and have a good time. Before we went up there they encouraged us to just dance and show enthusiasm. The second thing I have no problem with, when it comes to dancing as reported on this blog close to its' inception I have a problem with. I'm a horrible dancer but somehow the guy in front of me was worse. Incredible. So yeah, the show sucks, I tried to re-watch some of it last night but man it was just terrible. At least if you're there you enjoy it because you know you can't go anywhere.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 6.7/10

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

BBQ And Foot Massage



A perfect marriage.

[blatantly stolen from Barstool Sports]

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Weak



Anti-climactic. That's all I'm gonna say. I almost nailed this one but Ray J decided to go with Cocktail over the obvious choice of no one. Due to a foolish bet there will be a guest blog on Sunday April 26. I have no control over the situation due to the fact I'm a moron and vehemently denied any possibility of Cocktail taking this. I was getting slightly nervous that Ray J was going to go with Unique (I can even admit she was looking pretty good at the final elimination) but ultimately he realized his solid reputation hanged in the balance. So yeah, I don't have any long recap or anything and there's no power rankings since it's over and no profile of the week. Danger reportedly is getting her own show on VH1 so that should be awesome. It's been real.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Most Dangerous Animal: The Slow Loris



Say hello to the admittedly adorable Slow Loris. Super awesome when getting tickled, I know. Here's how they getcha. The Slow Loris releases poison from its' elbows then licks the poison then bites which causes severe swelling. I'm not sure if it's fatal but I'm going to naturally assume that it is. Just watch out is all I'm saying. Here's more proof:

Exclusive: Chester French Interview



I recently had a chance to talk with the guys from Chester French who's debut album drops April 21. In a lighthearted and earnest conversation the guys talk about Twitter, their VIP Concierge service for fans and the age-old question of who wins in a fight, Gorilla vs. Bear?

You may or may not have heard the name Chester French bandied about recently. That's not important. What is important is that you pay attention to Chester French. You might be asking yourself hey guy who is Chester French? Good question, I'll answer it because I'm nice like that. No, it's not a fantastical cartoon character who wears suspenders and has a curly mustache like you thought it was. Chester French is a band made up of members D.A. Wallach and Max Drummey. Signed to Pharrell Williams' label, Star Trak, the group is seemingly on a collision course with awesomeness. Their debut album "Love The Future" hits stores April 21 and based on the mixtape they released this past week (for free!) it's sure to be redonk. Hard Peaches recently had a chance to talk to the guys about topics ranging from how they see services like Twitter helping artists reach their audience, their esteemed concierge VIP service, and even their favorite animals and colors. Here's some of the things the guys from Chester French were kind enough to reveal:

HP: First guys, I want to say great job on Jacques Jams Voume 1: Endurance (the groups free mixtape). How was it working with Clinton Sparks and the seemingly endless amount of featured artists?

Chester French: Awesome.

HP: Let's talk about services like Twitter and how you see them helping artists such as yourselves reach fans and potential fans?

D.A.: Well, music should be a communal experience. We're trying to bring people together through a common thread and that's our music. Twitter is just one of the way we can reach people. We also have a Concierge Service on our website www.chesterfrench.com that allows people to sign up and receive exclusive content and invites to special parties. The way we look at is the people who support us know truly are VIP's.

HP: No doubt. It's definitely refreshing to see artists taking an active interest in their fans and supporters. I read that you named your band after the sculptor Daniel Chester French. Why?

D.A.: We thought it was a cool name.

HP: That's a good reason. As people may or may not know you guys went to Harvard and formed your band there. How did you find the Boston music scene and how were you received in general.

D.A.: We played to a lot of empty bars and clubs. We weren't really received that well in Boston, when we went underground and started working is when we found a lot of things happening.

HP: I'm obligated to ask what instruments you guys play?

Max: I play Guitar, Bass and Keys well. I can pretty much hack it on any instrument except woodwinds.

D.A.: I sing and can play drums.

HP: Cool. Who are some of artists that you guys are currently listening to?

Chester French: Eric Satie (a French minimalist composer) and The Talking Heads.

HP: What's the last song you guys listened to?

Chester French: "Get By" by Talib Kweli. We performed it live last night with Talib and it was great.

HP: Awesome, the Nina Simone sample in that song is killer. Now to find out some more about you guys as people, the questions everybody wants to know. What's your favorite color, animal, and great lake.

D.A.: My favorite color is purple. I really like Elephants but also the Bengal Tiger. And my favorite Great Lake is Lake Michigan because I live on it.

Max: My favorite color is brown...obviously. My favorite animal is a Human and my favorite great lake is the Atlantic Ocean.

HP: Alright, now the people know. Few more questions. Who would win a fight: a gorilla or a bear, assuming they were of equal size and stature.

D.A. (pause) Bear. I mean, bears have claws and they're really fast and they're bigger.

HP: Assume they're equal in size.

Max: It's gotta be a Bear, just their claws and speed...although a Silverback Gorilla is pretty bad.

HP: Don't underestimate the intelligence factor of the Gorilla.

Chester French: (The general consensus was Bear wins)

HP: Can you talk about the creative process for your debut album "Love The Future"

Chester French: We just played a lot of Twister and vibed off that.

HP: That's exactly what I imagined it to be. Last question, are you guys fans of any particular sports teams?

Chester French: As our mixtape Jacques Jams Volume 1: Endurance shows we're a fan of all athletics. It's all about getting your endurance up.

HP: Hahaha, nice. Thanks guys for your time, it's appreciated and best of luck with the new album.

Chester French: Thanks.

While the guys were modest and tolerant of some of the odder questions it's clear that Chester French are employing a grass-roots strategy of reaching out to fans and supporters and making them feel welcome. That combined with the quality of their music seems to be a recipe for success. With innovative marketing strategies and unprecedented accessibility Chester French are creating quite the buzz from within the music industry. It seems only natural that type of enthusiasm will extend to music fans far and wide. Here's wishing the best for the guys from Chester French although I must insist that a gorilla can take a bear in a no-holds barred grudge match.

The Body Snake Commercial Wants Your Innocence



I saw this the other night in not the most lucid state of mind so I gave the commercial a pass and assumed that I was probably making something out of nothing. I was wrong. So, so wrong. I'm sorry if you're so fat that you need a special tool to reach parts of your body investing in a $20 "Body Snake" might not be the best way to spend your money (Hint: Gym, Vegetables, Not Being Gross Classes). Who is responsible for having a naked fat guy sell this thing? That person sucks. Big time.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Joel Bauer AKA "The Business Card Guy"



I'm sure by now many of you have see "The Business Card Guy." I didn't post that on here because you can pretty much find it anywhere. You like how I link to your site JB and then turnaround and fire shots? Nice, I know. Anyway, his name is Joel Bauer and I think he's pretty much figured out the key to life as evidenced by this video. It's all in the camera work people.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Yeah Guy, Mario Puzzi Who Works In The Library. Exactly.



Look at Bill O'Reilly getting his reporting on. Go head Bill. Alos, I love Howard Phillips the "Fun Club" president. I think he should just cut the bullshit and just wear "Pedophile" on a name-tag.

Hey Let's Go To Cleveland



Turns out Cleveland actually does rock.

Monday, April 13, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Bonus Clips


It was just bonus clips and extended footage this week on Ray J. That's not to say it wasn't still good though. We learned that Feisty and Cocktail had a little confrontation going and that Cocktail cries a lot. Which brings me to what I think is the biggest insight of this episode. When they were going through Cocktail's crying montage there was a shot of her crying in front of the house at night. That shot is the shot they use when people get eliminated. If this is in fact the case it shoots a whole in my entire Danger-Unique mutual destruction theory. Since I still think Danger is gonna go home this week (self-imposed) that means that Unique wins? I can't live in a world where that's allowed to happen. It's the equivalent of the Patriots going 19-0. It just can't happen. The "For The Love Of Ray J" Gods will not stand for that! Here's a clip of Tom Green freaking everyone out because he's weird. How the fuck did he go out with Drew Barrymore?




Week 10 Power Rankings

1. Cocktail - I'm going to pretend I didn't see her crying outside of the house post-elimination. I have to...

2. Unique - All the girls impersonated her maniacal laugh. That should tell you something.

3. Danger - Please Don't Go (c) Stevie Wonder


No profile of the week this week because I don't consider this a real episode.

R.I.P. Harry Kalas


In case you didn't hear Harry Kalas the Philadelphis Phillies play-by-play announcer died today. He was also the guy who's done all of our favorite NFL narrations ever. He had been with NFL films since 1975. His voice means something to me and many others and always will. Here's a tribute to the man with the golden voice:





Oh yeah, in your face with that clip Patriots.

Bollywood Cosby Show Is The Truth



Sure we all loved the original Cosby Show opening but we were always thinking you know this really needs more of a Bollywood influence. Our wishes have been answered.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I Immediately Regret This Decision



In Germany at a Berlin Zoo some crazy lady decided to jump into the polar bear exhibit and frolic with polar bears. Because that seems like a completely logical and sane thing to do. She swam towards the bears during FEEDING TIME and was all happy and joyful because she was about to go play with the cutesy wootsy bear bears. It was all fun and games until the bears immediately decided to bite and try to eat her. She was rescued eventually by being pulled up by a life vest but not before her fat ass broke the first line. I say the next time someone jumps into a bear pit we just let nature do its thing. Here's some pics:


"Hey, look at me! This gonna be awesome and is no way a terrible idea!"

"This is just like the Kingdom of Caring. I hope this is Funshine Bear!"

"AGHHHHH, turns out it was Gumpy Bear!! Where is his rainy cloud? If only I had known!!!"

Monday, April 6, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Danger, She Smashed The Homey



Again, this show is like an avalanche. It just keeps growing and growing in its never ending quest for awesomeness. This week we have the three girls left (Cocktail, Danger, and Unique) meeting Ray J's family and friends. Gotta say Danger was at a serious disadvantage here. No, not because of the tattoo on her face but because Ray J's friends hate her because she fucked a mutual friend and went on a date with his producer. She wasn't in the wrong but some random girl got all in her face. To make matters worse Tom Green got a cipher going where they all chanted "Danger! She smashed the homey!" Not good for business. Luckily for her Lil B totally has her back because Lil B is great.

Ray J's parents showed up and each girl kinda freaked out in her own special way. Unique wouldn't shut up about how awesome and conservative she was. Cocktail had an "outer body" experience and forgot how to make words. And Danger kinda zapped out and got emotional. Mom Dukes decided that no girl was good enough for Ray J and that confused Ray J. When it came time for eliminations Ray J felt like he didn't have enough information so he chose not to eliminate anybody. Yeah, he can do that. All in all it was a solid episode and we had Danger freaking out at the end because she doesn't want Ray J to meet her family. I think unfortunately that's gonna get the best of her and she's gonna excuse herself from the competition.


Week 10 Power Rankings

1. Cocktail - I think she's gonna take this one. If and only if Danger steps out next week.

2. Unique - Don't let her being ahead of Danger fool you. She's the loser in this whole thing because it's gonna come down to her and Cocktail.

3. Danger - I feel like she's gonna bow out because of the family shit.

Profile of the Week


Ray J's Parents


(Photo not of Ray J's actual parents)


Strengths:

-Well, Mama Norwood was pretty observant
-Papa Norwood wore a bluetooth.

Weaknesses:

-None, they've raised the perfect son.

Breakdown:

I think it's clear who runs this family. I loved how Ray J's dad ranked all the girls but then changed his rankings to no one after Ray J's mom said none of the girls was right for him.

Penis Day In Japan

So yesterday was some kind of penis festival in Japan? I can hear what you're thinking, "Enough with the words you awesome wordsmith and make with the pictures." Your wish is my command:



Friday, April 3, 2009

Picture of the Day

That's Racist!



Leave it to the Japanese to continue their never ending quest to be super racist. Damn, this is much worse than the blackface Barack Obama and Louis Armstrong. And why the fuck is he sleeping on a toothbrush? What does this even have to do with toothpaste?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Monday, March 30, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Ray J Kinda Freaks Out


This was another extremely solid episode. Listen, this show took a cue from another one of my favorite shows, Maury, and brought in the lie detector. In fact, I think that was the same lie detector guy that they use on the Maury show. The overarching theme of this episode was how Danger is crazy and Unique is horrible. Ray J also wasn't feeling Chardonnay at all (did you see what she did on the pole Ray J, did you!?) Danger kinda lost her shit because Unique put down some pretty rough questions for the lie detector and Danger just powered through them answering pretty truthfully and choosing not to pass. Unique on the other hand lied about pretty much everything and we also found out that Cocktail is pretty insecure and doesn't have the highest self-esteem. That's alright Cocktail that shirt you were wearing was fucking great. Brandy was pretty much useless and got fooled by Unique. I tried to get mad at Brandy for thinking Unique was good but I remember that at one point even I liked Unique. If you don't have a camera trained on her it's hard to read that she's the worst. Chardonnay actually did the best on the lie detector and won her first one-on-one date with Ray J. I thought they had already had a one-on-one but I guess not. They go out to dinner and Ray J starts babbling about family love vs. other love and starts acting all weird. Ultimately, it came down to Ray J not being attracted to Chardonnay so he kicked her off setting up the final three: Danger, Unique and Cocktail.

The subplot of this episode was how Ray J kinda freaked out after the lie detector results. It actually got pretty intense in the house. Ray J started to crack during his dinner with Chardonnay where he started rambling about this category of love and that kind of love. Destination: Weirdville. Population: Ray J. That prompted Ray J to decide he's having the elimination early slash the producers didn't plan anything to fill up a whole episode. Then Ray J goes through the whole rigmarole and eventually dismisses Chardonnay. Chardonnay will be fine she was cool. To quote Danger from next week's episode, "someone needs to drive me to the hospital" because this shit is getting intense!


Week 9 Power Rankings

1. Danger - She's cool but she definitely has to get her shit together.

2. Cocktail - Could do some damage here, watch out.

3. Unique - Ugh.

Profile of the Week


Unique




Strengths:

-None
-Fine, she's really good at making people think she's "real" and she's not, not at all.

Weaknesses:

-"Evil, vindictive, she's fat, she smells funny and she's mean."

Breakdown:

I'll admit she even had me fooled the first few episodes. She's good at putting on a front. She's not as good as she thinks she is at putting on a front but she's not bad at it. Hell, she even conned Brandy tonight, and we all know Brandy is about as observant as it can get. We know that right? Whatever, I hope she leaves although I get the feeling they're setting us up with a Danger-Unique final.

This Is How Justin Timberlake Learned



From the best.

Friday, March 27, 2009

ShamWow Guy Beats Up Tongue-Biting Hooker


Vince Shlomi, best known as television's ShamWow! guy, was arrested in Miami last month. For beating up a prostitute. Who allegedly tried to bite his tongue out. Did you know that? Now you do.

The Smoking Gun got hold of the police report
and Mr. Shlomi's mug shot, and as you can see, he didn't escape unscathed. But neither did she. The facts of the case, briefly, according to the police report:
  • Shlomi meets Sasha Harris in a Miami club. They go back to his hotel.
  • She propositions him for "straight sex." He pays her a thousand bucks in cash.
  • He kisses her.
  • She "bit his tongue and would not let go."
  • He punches her in her face repeatedly until she lets go.
  • He runs down to the hotel lobby.
  • They both get arrested.

Why am I just hearing about this now? Fuck the economy, fuck anything else this needs to be scrolling on CNN, MSNBC, and FOXNEWS constantly. Awesome! I guess the old adage of, being a highly successful infomercial pitchman gets you laid like nobodies business isn't true. So now you know.

Thursday, March 26, 2009