District 9

A couple of months ago I saw a sign like the one above plastered on a building in the LES. I had no idea what it meant but I assumed we were just harboring aliens somewhere. No biggie. Much to my surprise it was a promotional advertisement for the movie "District 9." "District 9" by the way is a pretty shitty movie. It's shot cool it looks cool and then the aliens and some dude start becoming buddies and it's like hey guys you had a cool concept on your hands you don't have to do literally everything in your power to make it terrible. But they did and so this is the movie we get. I'd say skip it if you want to save 2 hours of life.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 4/10

Movie Review That No One Cares About

"Reign Over Me" starring Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle is a touching movie about loss, grief, and how people interact when faced with adversity. Ugh, punch me in the fucking face for typing that. But that's really what the movie is about. You know, in actuality it wasn't that bad. I'm a sucker for the emotional comedomelodrama's (it's a word, look it up). Sandler gives a pretty awesome performance and actually outshines Cheadle. Cheadle does most of the heavy lifting and should be commended for that but Sandler definitely pulls an oopty-oop (also a word) and one-ups Cheadle. All-in-all I liked this film. Good review? Great review.

Official Hard Peaches Rating: 6.8/10


P.S.

Since I watch so many random (and usually terrible) movies that I doubt most people would have any interest in I've decided to make the Movie Review That No One Cares About a feature. Deal with it.

Bruno

Bruno. Hmmm. Do you like penis? If you like penis you will love this movie. Personally I only like one penis and that's my own. We get along great. However, despite the abundant amount of cock and balls Bruno is a pretty solid movie (pun maybe not intended?). There are some genuinely hilarious parts (the terrorist interview, the middle-east summit, the fake talk-show with his African baby) and there are definitely some parts where you don't want to look at the screen. Bruno falls somewhere in between a really funny awesome movie and something I don't think I'll ever see again.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 6.5

Gooby Is Real. Very, Very Real

Looks like a winner. Altough, I guarantee it's still better than "Knowing."

The Hangover

Ahhh "The Hangover." Was this the best comedy of the year? I sure fucking hope not. See now, the problem with "The Hangover" is the pre-hype and the post-hype. It wasn't a bad movie but by no stretch of the imagination was it a good movie. It sits comfortably in between right at average funny movie. Zach Galifiniakis (dude with the beard) was the shining beacon of hilarity in an otherwise meandering yarn about a trip to Vegas. Just how average of a movie was it? Even Ed Helms wasn't good in it. In fact, several times his character was just plain annoying. Bradley Cooper was good I guess but really a non-factor if you ask me. Sure, there are some funny scenes in it (mainly with Galifiniakis) but overall this movie isn't as good as everyone is telling you it is. I don't know if it's the previews or just peer pressure but comparing it to a movie like the recent "I Love You Man" or even the under the radar "Hot Rod" this movie ain't all that. See it if you must but if you don't you're not missing anything special.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 5.6/10

Knowing

Every so often a movie comes along that changes your life. This is one of those movies. To say it's unbelievable is an understatement. Just let the words of Roger Ebert do the talking,

"Knowing" is among the best science-fiction films I've seen -- frightening, suspenseful, intelligent and, when it needs to be, rather awesome.

The only part of that I'd disagree with is the entire statement. "Knowing" is hands down one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life. And trust me, I've seen a lot of shitty fucking movies. To try to encapsulate just how bad this movie is, is truly impossible. The plot is simple enough. Nicolas Cage is an astro-physicist who's a single father. At his son's school they dig up a time capsule from 50 years prior. His son receives an envelope with all these numbers written on a piece of paper. Through divine intervention or maybe just a horrible screenplay Cage figures out that the numbers are prophetic. So on and so forth. Standard apocalyptic Hollywood nonsense. That alone is hardly grounds for calling it one of the worst movies ever. The thing about "Knowing" is that almost everything about it is bad. It's long, it's pedantic, it's forced, it's stupid, it's hackneyed pretty much any word you can think of to describe a horrible movie that's what it is. The last half-hour of the movie is truly unbelievable. It's just...I can't even describe. What I will say is if you really dislike somebody recommend that they watch this movie because I'm pretty sure they switched over to showing this to prisoners at Gitmo after they were forced to stop waterboarding people. I'll leave you with this highly accurate quote from Ty Burr of the Boston Globe:

It's a Nicolas Cage movie, so, admit it, you're expecting crazy. You have no idea.

Official Hard Peaches rating: .1/10


P.S.

This is how I felt right after watching "Knowing" minus the remote "stuff."



"Do you want me to hate my life!?"

Role Models: Lord of the Rings Stylee

Role Models was a pretty good movie. Not as good as "Stepbrothers" or "I Love You, Man" but it was a solid flick. It's worth it for the L.A.I.R.E. stuff alone.

I Love You Man: The Verdict

Astute readers may remember I posted the trailer for this movie back in January. Oh you don't remember? Try reading the blog more asshole, it won't kill you. Daddy's got bills to pay. Anyway, I saw this movie last night and it was good. Granted, I was really drunk the first 30-40 minutes or so but I don't think that will get in the way of me writing an awesome review. It's a a thoroughly entertaining movie and I feel confident in saying that. Paul Rudd and Jason Segel do a great job in this one and that's all I'll say about that. It's well paced and has an extremely solid cast. Also, Rashida Jones, bonerama on that one huh? Man if only someone had called attention to her supreme hotness and awesomness previously? Oh wait, someone did. This is definitely a re-watcher, maybe not in theaters, but definitley when it comes out on DVD. Purty good.

Official HardPeaches rating: 8.37/10

Oscars: The Breakdown

You know sometimes I just say stuff. Clearly, I didn't "murder/annihilate/destroy" the Oscars like people had claimed I would. It's cool, you know you win some and you lose some. First off I'd like to point out (and I can and in no way "prove" this) but I really wanted to pick Penelope Cruz for Best Supporting Actress. I didn't for two reasons. The first being how long ago I saw "Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona." It was a long time ago! The second is that I was convinced that they were going to give Benjamin Button something besides editing and cinematography. They didn't and good move because that movie sucked. And the third reason which I didn't mention up there is because Marisa Tomei is fucking amazing and they should just give her an honorary Oscar every year. So the night got off to a bad start. Let's see what else I fucked up. Well, I got Best Actress wrong because I picked Meryl Streep but I thought they would just pander. Note that I did think Kate Winslet gave the best performance in "The Reader." I got cinematography wrong but whatever that's lame. Everything else I picked I got right, maybe I fucked up sound mixing or some shit but whatever. Totally nailed Costume Design though!



As for the actual show. Um...holy shit the Oscars are fucking boring. Hugh Jackman came out of the closet last night and we established that Kate Winslet is constantly out of breath. What else? Oh yeah, A.R. Rahman the composer who scored and wrote original songs for "Slumdog Millionaire" is the weirdest "performer" ever. He just stood on stage and awkwardly gyrated for the entire performance of "Jai Ho" which also curiously featured John Legend who looked as confused as anyone as to why he was on the stage. I understand that people who write music usually have a secret passion to get on stage themselves but sometimes you just have to look at yourself and go, "I have no stage presence whatsoever. In fact I believe I have negative stage presence." Still, beautiful music from Mr. Rahman who's name makes me want Ramen noodles even though it's not spelled the same. Performance below.

Oscar Predictions

The 81st Academy Awards are tonight at 8pm EST. That's 5pm PST. I'm good at math. And also still kinda drunk from yesterday. That being said, let me murder the fuck out of these Oscar predictions. We all know how I savagely destroyed the Grammy's and I'm even more confident in these predictions. Without further ado here are my Oscar picks:

Actor in a Leading Role

Nominees: Richard Jenkins, Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Frank Langella, Mickey Rourke

Expected Winner: Mickey Rourke

Who Should Win: Mickey Rourke

Synopsis: As much as I would love to give this one to Richard Jenkins (he was awesome) Mickey Rourke absolutely killed it in "The Wrestler." All of these performances were really strong but I gotta go Mickey here. Sean Penn could also win this but I don't think anyone really saw that movie. Sidenote: If Brad Pitt or "Benjamin Button" wins anything it's a muffugin joke.

Actor in a Supporting Role

Nominees: Josh Brolin, Robert Downey Jr., Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Heath Ledger, Michael Shannon

Expected Winner: Heath Ledger

Who Should Win: Heath Ledger

Synopsis: With all the hype surrounding Heath Ledger's death it's easy to overlook the fact that he delivered a helluva performance in "The Dark Knight." Phillip Seymour Hoffman was pretty fucking awesome too but I think Ledger deserves the posthumous nod.

Actress in a Leading Role

Nominees: Anne Hathaway, Angelina Jolie, Melissa Leo, Meryl Streep, Kate Winslet

Expected Winner: Meryl Streep

Who Should Win: Kate Winslet

Synopsis: Very hard to go against Streep but "The Reader" was one of my favorite movies this go around. She gets naked in it and really draws you in to her character from the start. I'll be honest, I didn't see "Frozen River" so I don't know how Melissa Leo did but Hathaway and Jolie were also pretty strong.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Nominees: Marisa Tomei, Amy Adams, Penelope Cruz, Taraji P. Henson, Viola Davis

Expected Winner: Taraji P. Henson

Who Should Win: Marisa Tomei

Synopsis: Ok, Ok, this is a total sentimental vote from me. I am unabashed about my love for Marisa Tomei. I thought she did a great job and was easily as good as anyone in this category. Now here's the X-Factor. I think for how "epic" "Benjamin Button" was they have to throw it an Oscar in a meaningful category. Taraji was very good but I really think everyone else with the exception of Viola Davis (she was barely in the movie for fucks sake) dwarfed her performance. This is definitely a tough category.

Directing

Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire

Expected Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win: Slumdog Millionaire

Synopsis: This one is just a three-horse race. Button and Nixon were just not up to snuff in this one at all. Hey, yes it's super-hyped but Slumdog was a really good movie and even if the direction was a little heavy-handed it still was the best in this category.

Music (Score)

Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Defiance, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E

Expected Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win: Slumdog Millonaire

Synopsis: C'mon let's be real Slumdog is 2/3 of the original song category. I didn't see Defiance but gotta figure Slumdog takes home the hardware in this one.

Best Picture

Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire

Expected Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win: Slumdog Millionaire

Synopsis: It's a foregone conclusion right? Also, I think I figured out why Button was nominated for so many Oscars. They didn't want to hurt Brad Pitts' feelings completely so they gave him the pre-Oscar contentment with all the nods. I'd hate to be in the orphanage him and Angelina Jolie call home after this dude realizes he was in a 2 hour plus movie where he talked in one of the most ridiculous "accents" ever captured on film.

Other Predicted Winners:

Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire

Sound Mixing: The Dark Knight

Sound Editing: The Dark Knight

Costume Design: The Duchess

I Love You, Man

Looks pretty good to me.

Freida Pinto

Incredibly hot. I thought she was amazing in "Slumdog Millionaire" and she was sexy as hell at the Golden Globes but hot damn some of these pictures are insane.

Slumdog Millionaire

So many people have recommended I see this I almost didn't want to see it just to spite them. Luckily for me, my assholish and elitist tendencies only stop me from enjoying good things some of the time. This movie was fucking fantastic. I'm not even going to do a review, I'll just say if you enjoy movies and have any capability to be affected emotionally go see this movie. Seriously.


Official HardPeaches rating: 9.3/10


P.S.

Blogger is acting weird and won't let me post pictures. As soon as they get their collective shit together I'll post one.

P.P.S.

Fixed.

The Unborn

I had the grave misfortune of seeing the trailer for "The Unborn" in theaters. They played it before a showing of "Role Models" of all movies. That really pissed me off since I have steadfastly avoided scary movies at the theater for at least 5 years. The last scary movie I saw in theaters was "Stir Of Echoes" starring Kevin Bacon. IMDB tells me that movie came out in 1999 so I guess I haven't seen a scary movie in 10 years. If you haven't seen the trailer for "The Unborn" I'm going to post it below. They've been showing it on TV a ton lately and it never ceases to freak me out. Let me caution you that it is extremely disturbing and not at all cool. To this day it continues to haunt my dreams. Yeah, so, enjoy!

The Wackness

Also known as the longest movie ever. In actual temporal time it's not even that long it just feels like even small plot developments take twenty minutes to develop. It's not a bad movie it just lacks cohesiveness and direction. The characters are interesting enough but I don't know it's just fucking boring. The main character is sometimes believable but mostly I end up feeling like he's just a huge bitch. Ben Kingsley's character (the most interesting) even gets tiresome after a certain point. This move is 6 parts wack, 1 part good, and 3 parts too long.

Official HardPeaches rating: 5.4/10

Steve Martin

Steve Martin is one of my favorite actor/comedians. He's got an endearing sense of humor that hasn't changed throughout his career. A testament to how funny the guy actually is. He's also in some of my favorite movies ever like, "Parenthood," "3 Amigos," "My Blue Heaven," "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels," and "Father of the Bride." Here's a clip from "The Jerk."

All I Need

Dinotopia

Apologies to all for totally slacking on the posting front. Last night after 30 Rock I couldn't find anything to watch. Now, where a normal person would just give up and say to themselves, "I probably don't need to be watching TV right now," I'm not that kind of chump. I pushed through until I found something awesome. And something awesome I did find. Dinotopia. Apparently this was a mini-series, I don't know, I just caught about an hour of it on the Sci-Fi channel. Basically, these two brothers crash with their Dad on to some weird island where humans and dinosaurs co-exist. There's these things called the sky riders who ride pterodactyls and triceratop patrols. It's pretty awesome. There's even a talking dinosaur named Zippo who apparently was banging some human girl. The scene where he plays ping pong is probably one of the greatest cinematic accomplishments of our time. I think this movie was made to be serious but I don't really see how that's possible. Apparently, the shit won a ton of Emmy's and other awards. All I'm saying is you should check this bitch out.

Quantum Of Solace

Don't bother.

Offical HardPeaches rating: 4/10

Eulogy

This was a weird fucking movie but also pretty good. It's got Zooey Deschanel in it which is always a good thing. "Eulogy" is a dark comedy and for the most part it's done really well. There are definitely some pretty corny parts and it lost some of its' edge halfway through but it made me laugh. Hank Azaria is in it and also Jean Grey from X-Men. Also I think I'm a huge Ray Romano fan. Weird. Worth a watch.

Official HardPeaches rating: 6.5/10

Role Models

I saw this last night and the more I think about it the more I think I like it. Sure there are probably 4-5 too many dick jokes but overall this movie delivered when it clearly could have sucked balls. Rudd and Stiffler (does anyone actually know his real name?) are decent enough but the real stars are the kids and the auxiliary players. Gale Sweeney (that lady from all the mock docs) does a great job and seriously knows how to handle a bagel dog. This review is horrible isn't it? Whatever. Whispering eye.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 7/10.