Thursday, July 31, 2008

I'm A Moron Part 567894

So I fucked up my computer and lost all my shit. It's gonna take a few days to get it running again, so no posts for a minute. I am stupid.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Pineapple Express

Aka the greatest movie ever. And that's without even having seen it. Really we all know this movie is going to be incredible. Weed smoking + Action = Greatness. I can't remember a trailer that has made me laugh harder...ever. Clearly Rogen and company are on fire (although I wasn't as into Knocked Up and Sarah Marshall as most) and I must say James Franco looks hilarious in this too. Extra bonus, it's got my main man Craig Robinson in it too (The Office fame and excellent stand up comedian). I'd be willing to stake my movie critiquing excellence on this flick. Plus any movie trailer that features a M.I.A. song has to be awesome right? I fly like paper, get high like planes. See it.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

National Past Time: Fat People Falling

With so many options for YouTube videos nowadays it can be daunting when trying to find something really funny. I don't mean something kind of funny, or chuckle worthy, I mean a video that will make you shoot milk out your nose if you're one of those gross people who still drinks milk. Luckily we have a treasure trove of material brought to us by our portly friends. Not sure what it is but fat people love to attempt daring activities such as bike riding and walking. To normal people those things seem like regular kid stuff. But to a fat person that's basically the equivalent of running a triathlon or walking a tight rope. Lucky for us people often catch rotunds attempting these death defying stunts on video. Fat people falling is by far one of my favorite things ever. Enjoy.

See the kid almost dies and the mom still thinks it's hilarious. Proof.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Is Britney Spears Getting Hot Again?

You remember that Britney? Yeah, me neither. But I do have a vague memory of her being smokingly hot. Then she popped out a few kids went a little insane attacked a car with an umbrella and shaved all her hair off. Since then she's had a rough go of things. She's probably not half as insane as people think she is but that's really not the issue. The issue is, recently Britney seems to be attempting to get hot again. I'm all for it, at her peak she was definitely up there in terms of all time hotness. I can't really think of too many other people who fell off as hard as she did. It just doesn't happen. So today I see some pictures of her and she's not looking that bad. I mean she's not at her "Slave 4 U" peak but she's definitely getting better. I think the world needs this right now. Here are her recent pics:
P.S. For anyone who hasn't checked it out her last album was actually pretty awesome.


Moving is the worst. I'm not the first person to complain about moving and I sure as hell won't be the last. Actually, I don't even mind finding a new place to live. That's kind of the fun part. It's the actual physical moving of locations that I can't stand. I've been saying for years that some nerdy scientist needs to invent a teleporter for the specific reason of making moving easier for me. I know a teleporter would pose substantial ethical questions and probably a few paradoxes but fuck it, it would really make my life a little bit easier. Teleporters bitch.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Mad Men

A long long time ago a friend of mine told me to watch this show. Unfortunately she chose to tell me about it during a football game and wanted me to eschew the football game and watch Mad Men instead. Not the best way to get me into a new show. Well, I'm a big enough man to admit when I'm wrong. I should have listened back then because this show is off the chizzy. Did I just write that? Sorry. The show is about advertising people who work on Madison Avenue (hence the name) during the early 1960's. Let me break it down. They drink, they smoke, they drink some more, they smoke some more, they womanize then they smoke some more. The show centers around Don Draper. Don Draper is the balls. Dude holds it down. From fending off caniving Pete Campbell to getting it on with hot jewesses, dude has it on lock. I won't give anything away in case you haven't seen it but the new season starts tomorrow (7/27) at 10pm on AMC. Thank me later.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Public Access Television

Here's the thing about Public Access TV, it fucking rules. Most people when flipping through the channels tend to pass these hidden gems because it's strange and foreign to them. Or they just hate it and I'm weird. Either way I'll tell you why next time you can't find anything on the TV you should hit up some local programming. First off let me tell you about some of the diamonds in the rough I've found. Squirrels and Jazz. That's right, Squirrels and Jazz. This was literally a program that consisted of someone filming squirrels running around various parks and recreational areas with avant garde jazz playing the whole time. Now, you may be saying dude, that sounds really lame. Well it was but you have to look much deeper than that. It's the thought that someone came up with the idea and then made the dream a reality.

Idea Man: "Dude, we should totally film squirrels and play jazz music."

Producer: "Genius!"

That still doesn't explain why I watched it and forced my friend to watch it for 10 minutes but still, you get my point.

Also another great thing about Local Access TV is that a lot of shows record live. So if you're lucky enough to catch one of the shows live you can call in and harass the hell out of them. In New York there are like a bazillion Local channels so the chances of stumbling upon a live one is pretty good. Example:

Here are some other solid examples of awesomeness:


Let's get a couple of things straight. One, I love to dance. Two, I suck at dancing. I think my best dancing moment was at my Bar Mitzvah when I danced to James Browns' "I Feel Good". People really seemed to respond to that. If it's like an old school dance like the Twist or something I can hold it down. I mean I'm not the worst dancer in the world but I'm pretty bad. When I used to go to clubs back in the day where they played house/trance I was OK. Since then though I've definitely gotten worse. Unfortunately I don't let my horrible dancing skills stop me from hitting the floor almost every time I go out. I think I'm at my best when dancing alone to some goofy ass song in my apartment.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The State

The State is/was a great show that I recommend everyone check out. I remember it being on pretty late on MTV back in the day. I've tried really hard to find it on DVD or anywhere on the internet and it's pretty tough to track down. I did find a couple sketches on Youtube though so enjoy!

Crossword Puzzles

I'm a sucker for crossword puzzles. Sudoku bows down at the feet of Crossword puzzle. I enjoy doing the Washington Post crossword puzzle because as far as puzzles go it's pretty easy but it still feels like you're accomplishing something by doing it. The Boston Globe's crossword sucks so I never do it, that paper just generally sucks to be honest. Sometimes when I'm up for a challange slash shattering my views on my own intelligence I fuck with the New York Times crossword (pictured). I don't think I've ever actually completed the NYT crossword but I've come close and it felt good...real good. There are also some crossword rules that one must follow to be a true crossword connoisseur. First, you must only use pen. If you see someone filling out a crossword with pencil they are a joke and should promptly be chastised and laughed at. Second under no circumstances ever, I repeat, ever should you resort to looking up answers on the internet or any other knowledge base. I used to have a friend, well more like an acquantience, actually more like mortal enemy who used to go on the internet to look up answers and then boldly declare that he finished a crossword. Seriously dude? I can't express just how wrong that is. Also, some people cross out the clues when they've answered them. I guess that's ok but it's kind of amateur hour if you ask me. Sometimes I'll circle a clue if I think I know the answer but I'm not confident enough yet to actually put it down. Those are the rules of crosswording. The ultimate irony of crosswords is that 90% of the information in crosswords is completely useless and really only applies to crosswords. I still love them and do them whenever my choices aren't the Boston papers.

I Guess Obama Is Cool

I stopped being interested in politics after the 2000 Election. I used to be really into it but then I got disillusioned because that was some bullshit. Since then I really only get interested when George Bush makes some silly comment. I don't think people appreciate just how awesome George Bush is. He's comedic gold. No other president is gonna give us the awesome soundbites and fuck-ups quite like him. Regardless, I've been pretty skeptical about Obama. I was pulling for Hillary during the primaries. It's not that I think he's bad or anything I just think he's a little over the top. The "Yes We Can" stuff just seems so corny and manufactured to me. A lot of people who bought into him hook line and sinker have been getting upset that he's been flip flopping on a lot of issues. That's precisely why I didn't get all gung-ho about him. He's a politician. However, the other day he did something that completely won me over. He drained a 3-pointer in Kuwait. Now that is some hot shit. I don't care about his plans to bust the recession or to get out of Iraq or whatever. Drain a couple 3-pointers and we're good. If he ever dunks it's so over. So for your viewing pleasure here's Obama shooting the J.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Alex Trebek is a Douche

I love Jeopardy. Especially when other people are around and I get to show off how smart I think I am. I hate Alex Trebek. He is one of the smuggest a-holes in the world. That's not hyperbole. He always acts like he knew the answer when telling a contestant they're wrong. The answers are on the cards dude. No need to act like you've known the answer to every Jeopardy question ever written. So in honor of Alex Trebek's douchiness here are some video clips:

That last kid is on it.


By the power of greyskull! When I was growing up I was obsessed with He-Man. I probably had about 200-250 toys plus all the castles and battle carriers and pretty much any other thing related to He-Man. I never really watched the show so I'm not sure why I loved it so much, but I did. Ironically the only character I never had was He-Man. Weird right? I had like 10 Skeletors and all of He-Man's buddies and foes but never He-Man. I guess that's a good thing because looking back on he-man it's unbelievable how gay he is. What the hell is he wearing? Not to mention there was a character named Ram Man. Right...I remember this one character called Moss Man. He was all furry and if you smelled him he smelled like Moss. I don't know why I thought that was so cool but at the time that blew my mind. My most hated character was the stupid little wizard guy Orko.

He was pretty much useless and never did anything to help out he was always getting in trouble. I know this because I used to religiously read the little comics that came with each He-Man toy. Fucking Orko always fucking shit up, useless. So in conclusion I was pretty nerdy as a kid and I haven't really ever been able to shake that.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Boardgame of the Day: Cranium

I think we can all agree that boardgames are pretty much the best. Some of my fondest memories in life revolve around crushing people mercilessly in various board games. Cranium has provided some of the more "intense" moments in my board game playing career. One time I stormed out of my friends house (with the game) because they wouldn't accept my answer of "Annie". They said the correct answer was "Little Orphan Annie". You know what? Fuck you! To this day I still maintain that "Annie" should have counted. Anyways, this game is awesome and if you don't know now you know.

I'm On A Roll/Tom Cruise

I'm on a roll with the posting today. Hell, all I've been doing today is continuing my Lost marathon (it's getting unhealthy at this point) and marveling at how ridiculously expensive one way car rentals are (fuck you Hertz!). So on with it. Tom Cruise might be starring in Top Gun 2...Has anyone been able to take this guy seriously since he revealed that he's totally bat-shit insane on Oprah's couch? I can't even watch him in classics like Cocktail and Top Gun anymore. I for one blame Xenu.

The Dark Knight's Tale

A few days ago I had the pleasure of seeing the Dark Knight. Pretty awesome movie. It's a little long (2 1/2 hours) but not really slow or anything, it's just that a lot of things happen. Christian Bale is a decent enough Batman. I know a ton of people are on his nuts because they thought Batman Begins was soooo good. It was an OK movie people. Compared to Batman and Robin and Batman Forever it looks like a gold sandwich with jewel encrusted bread. I understand that, that's cool. But back to this new Batman. By far the best part of the movie is Heath Ledger. I won't go and write an effusive glowing review about how amazing the performance is and how he's totally going to get an Oscar for it. He's very good and probably will get a posthumous Oscar nod. He deserves that, he's creepy and cool and if I do end up seeing this movie again he'll be the main reason why. Maggie Gyllenhall was OK, but they really should have gotten a hotter girl. I love her too, she's great in Secretary (oh yeah) and I think she gives an amazingly understated awesome performance in Stranger Than Fiction (which is a sleeper movie). The action is good, the story is good, Gary Oldman is good. It's a good movie. I give it a solid 8.4/10. And just for fun I thought I'd rank all the Batman's from best to worst:

1. Batman
2. Batman Returns
3. The Dark Knight
4. Batman Begins
5. Batman Forever
6. Batman and Robin

Also just from talking with people a lot of people seem to hate on Batman Returns. To those who dare to do that I give a hearty fuck you. It's got a hot Michelle Pfeiffer, creepy Danny Devito and Michael Keaton who is still the best Batman (sorry Bale whores). I recommend you check this new one out because it's a worth a paying for which is saying a lot nowadays.

Obligatory Jason Taylor Post

Ah Jason Taylor we hardly knew ye. In case you haven't heard Jason Taylor got traded from the Miami Dolphins to the Washington Redskins yesterday for a 2nd round pick next year and a 6th round pick in 2010. Prudent move by Bill Parcells and the Dolphins? Yes. Am I sad to see him go? Not really. Is it annoying when I pose then subsequently answer my own questions? Probably. Don't get me wrong, Jason Taylor is a helluva player who instantly makes any team he plays for that much better, and he totally would have helped a pretty bad Dolphins team this year. But let's be honest do we really want a dancing doofus who thinks he's the next Rock on the Dolphins? Hell no. Let the Redskins deal with him, I'm sure they'll get at least a year of service from him, and that's nice for them. Personally, I don't think the Redskins are close to championship caliber but whatever he makes them better. Sorry this isn't a funny post but it's my sworn duty to comment on any major Dolphins news.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Food Porn

No I don't mean like some girl shoving a squash up her hoo-hoo. I'm talking Food Network. Recently I've had some fascinating discussions (well fascinating is debatable) about the Food Network. A lot of people have indicated that they don't like watching it because they feel they're constantly being taunted by the delicious foods being shown/prepared and that they can't eat them. Poppicock! I don't have enough space here to expound upon the many ways that Food Network is the truth. But I will give just a few reasons to tune in.

Iron Chef

Classic or New School it doesn't matter. This is it right here. Whether it's old school Morimoto and the old Chinese dude who threw truffles and foie gras in literally everything to the supreme smugness of Bobby Flay or the Rojo Caliente powers of Mario Batali this show is legit. Don't hate.

Giada De Laurentiis

I don't know if it's the cleavage the smooth jazz or the orgasmic Italian food that keeps me tuning in, but hot damn this girl is fire. I honestly cannot see how anyone can dislike her or this show. Find me a person who doesn't like her and I'll find you a tongueless eunich.

Paula Deen

Arguably the greatest thing in the world. Paula's solution to everything? More butter. If only we all lived by her principles and guidelines the world would be a better place. I once saw her make chilli biscuit bowls. Yeah you read that right...biscuit bowls! Un-fucking-believable. One time she made a cobbler and I'm pretty sure I came in my pants a little. I'd marry this lady in a heartbeat.

Alton Brown/Good Eats

Just to highlight how awesome this dude is, I used to hate him because I thought he was smug and arrogant. While that still may be true his knowledge of food science is breathtaking. Do I remember half the shit he says? Absolutely not. But he's still the fucking man.

Clearly there are a ton of other awesome shows on The FN but get the fuck out of here if you think you're too good for this shit. Yeah, I never write down any of the recipes and mainly just ogle at the foods being made but it's still awesome. Bonus tip, DVR your favorite shows and you can actually make some of the awesomeness you see so I can eat it.


Oh hell yeah, video posting skillz son.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Hard Peaches? A blog of Awesome

I know right, what the fuck? Whatever, I like the name and we all know hard peaches are the best peaches. So this is just a Beta version of what the eventual blog will look like, fucking wordpress is really sticking it to me so until I get that up and running, I'll use this whip.
Alright let's get into it, I'm a moron and can't figure out how to use TAB to make this shit indent. I'm sure that knowledge will be made available to me at some point, but right now I'll just look like an idiot, it's cool. Also, I overuse commas like a motherfucker, it's my one grammatical flaw so leave it be nerdball 5000.
That's quite the cream there. You might have to click on it to view the text, I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm not explaining what this blog is about because, frankly, I have no idea. Things I like, hate, love, loathe, enjoy, abhor. Fucking a that sounds lame. Whatever. Here's a quick test to see if you might like Hard Peaches:

Choose A or B

1.) a. green grapes
b. red grapes

2.) a. music
b. being a loser

3.) a. not being told what to do
b. answer a

4.) a. awesomeness
b. smugness

5.) a. Madonna
b. pretending you're too cool for Madonna

6.) a. realizing s'mores are overrated
b. s'mores

7.) a. Arrested Development
b. I'm sorry what's going on I don't know how I got on this magic box with lights and buttons, I have to go back to the cage now.

8.) a. Rivulets and Inlets
b. The Mainstream

9.) a. Serbia
b. Montenegro

10.) a. Torture
b. Blowjobs

11.) a. Nazi's
b. accepting that I'm better than you

12.) a. Obama
b. Dan Marino

13.) a. Hilarity
b. Having a crane lift you out of bed because you're so fat no other earthly made machine could do it

14.) a. UFO
b. OPP

15.) a. Black keys
b. White keys

Answer key: a- 1-8, 13 b-9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15