Food Porn

No I don't mean like some girl shoving a squash up her hoo-hoo. I'm talking Food Network. Recently I've had some fascinating discussions (well fascinating is debatable) about the Food Network. A lot of people have indicated that they don't like watching it because they feel they're constantly being taunted by the delicious foods being shown/prepared and that they can't eat them. Poppicock! I don't have enough space here to expound upon the many ways that Food Network is the truth. But I will give just a few reasons to tune in.

Iron Chef



Classic or New School it doesn't matter. This is it right here. Whether it's old school Morimoto and the old Chinese dude who threw truffles and foie gras in literally everything to the supreme smugness of Bobby Flay or the Rojo Caliente powers of Mario Batali this show is legit. Don't hate.


Giada De Laurentiis


I don't know if it's the cleavage the smooth jazz or the orgasmic Italian food that keeps me tuning in, but hot damn this girl is fire. I honestly cannot see how anyone can dislike her or this show. Find me a person who doesn't like her and I'll find you a tongueless eunich.


Paula Deen


Arguably the greatest thing in the world. Paula's solution to everything? More butter. If only we all lived by her principles and guidelines the world would be a better place. I once saw her make chilli biscuit bowls. Yeah you read that right...biscuit bowls! Un-fucking-believable. One time she made a cobbler and I'm pretty sure I came in my pants a little. I'd marry this lady in a heartbeat.


Alton Brown/Good Eats


Just to highlight how awesome this dude is, I used to hate him because I thought he was smug and arrogant. While that still may be true his knowledge of food science is breathtaking. Do I remember half the shit he says? Absolutely not. But he's still the fucking man.

Clearly there are a ton of other awesome shows on The FN but get the fuck out of here if you think you're too good for this shit. Yeah, I never write down any of the recipes and mainly just ogle at the foods being made but it's still awesome. Bonus tip, DVR your favorite shows and you can actually make some of the awesomeness you see so I can eat it.