Monday, December 29, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post Of The Week


Sweet, sweet vindication. I dreamt of this moment every single fucking Sunday last season. Every dreary day at the bar when the outcome was a loss 15 out of 16 weeks. Let me break down what just happened. Not only did the Dolphins just complete the most miraculous turnaround in NFL history, not only did we win the AFC East with a record of 11-5, not only is this sentence going to turn into the longest run-on ever, but we kept the cursed and negative karma laden Patriots at home with an 11-5 record. Enjoy Boston in the winter douchebags. In addition we got Eric Mangini fired and more likely than not ended Brett "Best Thing Since Sliced Bread" Favre's career. This all happened in one day. I cried. I cried twice. Never in all my years of watching football and supporting the Dolphins have I ever experienced the emotion I felt yesterday. It's pure euphoria. I'm sure some of you haters out there are saying to yourselves, "Geez, you just won the division, act like you've been there." To you I say, go fuck yourselves. You have no idea what it's like to win 1 game in a season and then come back and claim the division. No idea. So now we play the Ravens at home next week at 1pm. To be quite honest, I believe Baltimore was the best team we played this year. They thoroughly dominated us and will prove to be an extremely worthy opponent. I hope we can keep it going but no matter what this has been the most magical season of my entire life. Holla atcha boys!!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

There Seems To Be A Design Flaw

Sun Dried Tomatoes


Is there anything worse than Sun Dried Tomatoes? The answer is no. They are disgusting and if you like them you're gross too.

Christian The Lion



I know I'm super late on this one. I swear I've known about it for a while now (really!) I just figured I'd clean out my internet video closet before the new year. On the off chance you haven't seen this before please feel free to watch it 20 times and tear up (because of their hair) while you listen to Aerosmith.

The Wackness


Also known as the longest movie ever. In actual temporal time it's not even that long it just feels like even small plot developments take twenty minutes to develop. It's not a bad movie it just lacks cohesiveness and direction. The characters are interesting enough but I don't know it's just fucking boring. The main character is sometimes believable but mostly I end up feeling like he's just a huge bitch. Ben Kingsley's character (the most interesting) even gets tiresome after a certain point. This move is 6 parts wack, 1 part good, and 3 parts too long.

Official HardPeaches rating: 5.4/10

Pictures I Like Of The Day




Monday, December 22, 2008

Steve Martin


Steve Martin is one of my favorite actor/comedians. He's got an endearing sense of humor that hasn't changed throughout his career. A testament to how funny the guy actually is. He's also in some of my favorite movies ever like, "Parenthood," "3 Amigos," "My Blue Heaven," "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels," and "Father of the Bride." Here's a clip from "The Jerk."

All I Need

Pomegranate


Lucky for you guys I don't have to go into the office for the next week or so. That means plenty of blogging about useless things. I know, I know, please hold your applause. Oh Pomegranate, let me count the ways I love thee. First, it's just a delicious tasting fruit. The texture is also phenomenal. Also, eating a pomegranate is a fun experience in and of itself. Opening it up, pulling apart the walls and exposing the delicious morsels ready to plundered. There's something very satisfying about it all. In addition, the little pomegranate thingies always reminded me of the bubbles that you had to shoot in Bubble Man's world in Mega Man II. Oddly enough I don't like anything pomegranate related besides the actual pomegranate. Pomegranate juice is nauseating. I also find it weird that a fruit can be so good but whenever they try to turn it into something else it loses all of it's appeal and becomes disgusting. So yeah...pomegranate mofo's.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week


Holla atcha boys! Seriously, someone talk some shit. Please, I beg you. Tell us we didn't just win our 10th game of the season. We won one game last year! One fucking game! This was a helluva game and the fact the Dolphins put up 38 in the frigid Kansas City weather is a testament to our MVP. Yeah that's right our MVP, Chad Pennington. Straight beast central. Chad and the Dolphins now have the opportunity to win the AFC East and secure the 3rd seed if we beat the Jets next week in the Meadowlands. Yes I know the Jets lost today to woeful Seattle but anybody who thinks this one is in the bag is fooling themselves. It's gonna be a tough game and I'm hoping like hell we can vindicate ourselves for the atrocious Week 1 loss to the gross Jets. Sure I'll be dissapointed if we don't win and don't make the playoffs but no matter what this has been an amazing season and it reminded me exactly why I root for this team even when they actively and continuosly try to rip my still beating heart out of my chest. Go the fuck ahead!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Intrusive Security Question Forms


I was filling out one of those new account setup things online so I can pay even more bills. Awesome. To add insult to injury this sites' password security questions were really sticking it to me. For instance here's one of the first few questions, "What is your greatest fear?" What the fuck is that? Now in order to ensure no one steals my password I have to do a full psychological analysis of my greatest fear? Incidentally, my greatest fear is midgets and sometimes very small Asian children. Moving on. How about, "What was the name of your first pet?" Oh thanks security form, I was having a great day and now you're gonna make me remember about poor Boris the cat. I miss the shit out of Boris and now you're just rubbing it in my face. I guess all the other questions were pretty fair but still I hope this security form gets what's coming to it. What's your greatest fear Security Form? Because it's coming for you.


RIP B!


*This post paid for and sponsored by the Cookie*

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Star Trek: The Next Generation


Nerd alert! Yeah that's right I like Star Trek: The Next Generation. There was a point where I would marathon the fuck out of this show. Sure, feel free to hate on TNG. All that means is you've never watched it. Honestly, if it came down to Star Wars or Star Trek TNG, Star Trek wins handily. Check it out sometime and join me in the kingdom of dorks.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I Want To Go To Karaoke And Sing This Exactly Like They Do



Wooooo. That is what they call charisma people. Oh wait, not charisma, I meant horrified expressions of terror. I get those two things confused sometimes.

You're Gonna Love His Nuts



What's more embarrassing? The fact that I really want this or that he made me believe that if I changed the way I eat Tuna I'd have a more exciting life?

Monday, December 8, 2008

My New Friend: Newton



This is Newton. He had a lot of thoughts about Pakistan. He was on the F train back from Brooklyn. We spoke since he got off at the same stop as me. He was in his own words, "a good person." Who am I to argue? His well thought out theory was that Pakistan was the worst thing to ever happen. I said there were probably worse things but I couldn't think of any. In any event, Newton told me of a sweet bar on Bowery and Bleecker and if I go there and say his name they'll give me free drinks. Nice.

Aiiiight



This video shows not much separates T-Pain from a homeless guy. Not bad. Is he white and dropping the n*bomb though?

Awesome Dolphins Post Of The Week


This was a good one. This is what I like to see. And don't let the score fool you. We should have had another TD but the refs once again decided to call a bullshit penalty. This time on TE Anthony Fasano for a phantom hold on a Ricky Williams touchdown. I don't know if you all think I'm making this shit up or I'm biased but these calls are absolute garbage. It's not even close. Regardless, I'm not gonna complain anymore after such a joyous game. Chad Pennington continued his ridiculously efficient play completing 22 out of 29 passes with a TD while also hitting his last 11 in a row. Will Allen had a clutch interception when the Bills were threatening to score from 1st and Goal from our 3. Granted, we played JP Losman but we held the Bills to under 170 total yards. That's impressive at any level. The Dolphins find themselves tied for the lead in the AFC East with the Jets and Patriots. With 3 games to go it is not outside the realm of possibility that the Dolphins can win the division. I'll temper my expectations but no matter what happens, this season has been incredible. Of course ESPN has decided not to talk about the most remarkable single season turnaround in NFL history. Oh and I'd love to hear Chris Berman's thoughts about who's going to finish last in the divison now? Dumb muthafucka can suck it.

Bonus Bar Story of the Week

I just want to give a shout out to my boy Leroy who is just a classy classy Bills fan. He put up with my antics like a champion. Even when I got up and started actin' a fool after Will Allen's interception he didn't bat an eyelash. Leroy has got to be in his 50's or older and is just a cool mofo. This dude went to Buffalo last week to watch his Bills lose to the 49ers 10-3. Yowza. The chances of him reading this blog are probably hovering around zero to zero percent but his awesomeness should not go unrecognized. No 13-3 this year Leroy but the Bills are still the best of the losers.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Commercial of the Day



I mean that sweet tea could taste like diarrhea by default it's going to be, "the best sweet tea in a jar," I've ever had.


P.S.

I'm totally going there.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Dinotopia


Apologies to all for totally slacking on the posting front. Last night after 30 Rock I couldn't find anything to watch. Now, where a normal person would just give up and say to themselves, "I probably don't need to be watching TV right now," I'm not that kind of chump. I pushed through until I found something awesome. And something awesome I did find. Dinotopia. Apparently this was a mini-series, I don't know, I just caught about an hour of it on the Sci-Fi channel. Basically, these two brothers crash with their Dad on to some weird island where humans and dinosaurs co-exist. There's these things called the sky riders who ride pterodactyls and triceratop patrols. It's pretty awesome. There's even a talking dinosaur named Zippo who apparently was banging some human girl. The scene where he plays ping pong is probably one of the greatest cinematic accomplishments of our time. I think this movie was made to be serious but I don't really see how that's possible. Apparently, the shit won a ton of Emmy's and other awards. All I'm saying is you should check this bitch out.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Jello Is Super Racist

Lingo


The other day I found myself in a bit of a conundrum. I had to choose on my DVR whether to record Jeopardy or Lingo. I chose Lingo. Let me tell you about Lingo. Lingo is fucking amazing. Sure, you may be thinking hey I don't like word games or bingo. That's cool, that's cool. Do you like awkward comments by Chuck Woolery and weird sexual tension between him and the hot word computer lady or any other female who comes on the show? The answer is yes, yes you do. No one is going to convince me Chuck doesn't go home after hosting this show and throws down no less than 7 extra dry Martini's. He hates life.

Britney Spears: For The Record


This was a good one. I don't think I'm overstating it when I say this is one of the best documentaries I've ever seen. In case you live on another planet (or have better things to do than worry about Britney Spears) For The Record is the new documentary about Spears that premiered on MTV last night. They filmed Britney for 60 days. Let me point out how fucking insane that is. They filmed the girl for 60 fucking days. I guarantee if you film any human being for 60 days they're gonna bug out at least 3 of those days. And Spears certainly doesn't hold back. Sometimes she comes off as naive, childish and even a little stupid. However, the most compelling part of the documentary is how vulnerable she is. When giving an interview with the film crew she starts to explain how she feels imprisoned and how no one actually listens to her (which is a reasonable enough statement considering they splice footage of Spears trying to tell her posse how she feels trapped and they just laugh at her like she's telling a joke). Mid-sentence she turns to the side and stares off into space and then whispers through tears, "I'm sad," and starts to cry. I don't know how sad you have to be to utter those words on camera and just let it go like that but I'm guessing pretty fucking sad. I defy anyone to not feel bad for the girl during that moment. You can point out that she doesn't talk about her kids that much but I don't really think that's fair considering 60 days worth of footage got condensed into a little over an hour. Listen, I'm always tough on the celebrities. I feel like if you choose to be in the public light to earn your living you need to be prepared to deal with the consequences of being a public figure. This documentary made me question that sentiment. This is just a really good case study of a human being living in an extraordinary situation. Check it.