Monday, February 23, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J Recap

Fuck. My main girl Caviar got voted off the show tonight. Too bad because she truly was a good chunk of the show's humor. She got busted tonight because mufuggin' Chicago Larry of all people ratted her out to Ray J. She tried to manipulate his mind sexually with a striptease earlier in the day but, alas, her efforts were in vain. You know, it's easy to blame Caviar in this situation but Chicago Larry totally played her. He was just manipulating Caviar which let's be honest doesn't seem that hard to do. Earlier in the show the girls split up into three groups and performed a Motown song. Unique fucked up even though she's supposedly such a great singer. That's gonna hurt her in the power rankings. Yeah I'm still doing those. Ray J and his dad picked the Blue team which was Cocktail, Cashmere and Lil Hood. Lil Hood is by far the worst. She should have been cut this week but Caviar/Chicago Larry totally saved her ass. Cashmere is OK she seems cool and probably a pretty real person but she's gotta make a statement. Ray J picked Cocktail for his special one on one date and he sang to her and it was weird but she cried. Cool. She's hot but takes so much maniacal joy in other people's failures it's weird. Anyways, in honor of Caviar's departure this weeks' profile will be dedicated to her, but first the power rankings:

Week 4 Power Ranking

1. Danger - Once again, she's slept with the dude. She owns him and she knows it.

2. Cocktail - The crying at his piano song scored some big points. She's also hot as hell.

3. Chardonnay - Wasn't really featured this week but she's smart and has shown she can bring the sexy too.

4. Cashmere - Playing up the mysterious thing or genuinely shy? Gotta show me something more.

5. Stacks - Sometimes she just gets lost in the shuffle. She's not done yet though.

6. Feisty - I feel like I'm unjustly putting her here. Also I'm pretty sure she has a face.

7. Unique - C'mon baby you just can't sing. It's alright just don't make that your one "thing."

8. Lil Hood - Tell me I'm wrong.

Profile of the Week





-Very Stupid
-Already got kicked off the show


Not much to say here other than she will be missed.

Oscars: The Breakdown

You know sometimes I just say stuff. Clearly, I didn't "murder/annihilate/destroy" the Oscars like people had claimed I would. It's cool, you know you win some and you lose some. First off I'd like to point out (and I can and in no way "prove" this) but I really wanted to pick Penelope Cruz for Best Supporting Actress. I didn't for two reasons. The first being how long ago I saw "Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona." It was a long time ago! The second is that I was convinced that they were going to give Benjamin Button something besides editing and cinematography. They didn't and good move because that movie sucked. And the third reason which I didn't mention up there is because Marisa Tomei is fucking amazing and they should just give her an honorary Oscar every year. So the night got off to a bad start. Let's see what else I fucked up. Well, I got Best Actress wrong because I picked Meryl Streep but I thought they would just pander. Note that I did think Kate Winslet gave the best performance in "The Reader." I got cinematography wrong but whatever that's lame. Everything else I picked I got right, maybe I fucked up sound mixing or some shit but whatever. Totally nailed Costume Design though!

As for the actual show. Um...holy shit the Oscars are fucking boring. Hugh Jackman came out of the closet last night and we established that Kate Winslet is constantly out of breath. What else? Oh yeah, A.R. Rahman the composer who scored and wrote original songs for "Slumdog Millionaire" is the weirdest "performer" ever. He just stood on stage and awkwardly gyrated for the entire performance of "Jai Ho" which also curiously featured John Legend who looked as confused as anyone as to why he was on the stage. I understand that people who write music usually have a secret passion to get on stage themselves but sometimes you just have to look at yourself and go, "I have no stage presence whatsoever. In fact I believe I have negative stage presence." Still, beautiful music from Mr. Rahman who's name makes me want Ramen noodles even though it's not spelled the same. Performance below.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Oscar Predictions

The 81st Academy Awards are tonight at 8pm EST. That's 5pm PST. I'm good at math. And also still kinda drunk from yesterday. That being said, let me murder the fuck out of these Oscar predictions. We all know how I savagely destroyed the Grammy's and I'm even more confident in these predictions. Without further ado here are my Oscar picks:

Actor in a Leading Role

Nominees: Richard Jenkins, Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Frank Langella, Mickey Rourke

Expected Winner: Mickey Rourke

Who Should Win:
Mickey Rourke

As much as I would love to give this one to Richard Jenkins (he was awesome) Mickey Rourke absolutely killed it in "The Wrestler." All of these performances were really strong but I gotta go Mickey here. Sean Penn could also win this but I don't think anyone really saw that movie. Sidenote: If Brad Pitt or "Benjamin Button" wins anything it's a muffugin joke.

Actor in a Supporting Role

Josh Brolin, Robert Downey Jr., Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Heath Ledger, Michael Shannon

Expected Winner: Heath Ledger

Who Should Win:
Heath Ledger

Synopsis: With all the hype surrounding Heath Ledger's death it's easy to overlook the fact that he delivered a helluva performance in "The Dark Knight." Phillip Seymour Hoffman was pretty fucking awesome too but I think Ledger deserves the posthumous nod.

Actress in a Leading Role

Nominees: Anne Hathaway, Angelina Jolie, Melissa Leo, Meryl Streep, Kate Winslet

Expected Winner: Meryl Streep

Who Should Win:
Kate Winslet

Very hard to go against Streep but "The Reader" was one of my favorite movies this go around. She gets naked in it and really draws you in to her character from the start. I'll be honest, I didn't see "Frozen River" so I don't know how Melissa Leo did but Hathaway and Jolie were also pretty strong.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Nominees: Marisa Tomei, Amy Adams, Penelope Cruz, Taraji P. Henson, Viola Davis

Expected Winner: Taraji P. Henson

Who Should Win:
Marisa Tomei

Ok, Ok, this is a total sentimental vote from me. I am unabashed about my love for Marisa Tomei. I thought she did a great job and was easily as good as anyone in this category. Now here's the X-Factor. I think for how "epic" "Benjamin Button" was they have to throw it an Oscar in a meaningful category. Taraji was very good but I really think everyone else with the exception of Viola Davis (she was barely in the movie for fucks sake) dwarfed her performance. This is definitely a tough category.


Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire

Expected Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win:
Slumdog Millionaire

This one is just a three-horse race. Button and Nixon were just not up to snuff in this one at all. Hey, yes it's super-hyped but Slumdog was a really good movie and even if the direction was a little heavy-handed it still was the best in this category.

Music (Score)

Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Defiance, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E

Expected Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win:
Slumdog Millonaire

C'mon let's be real Slumdog is 2/3 of the original song category. I didn't see Defiance but gotta figure Slumdog takes home the hardware in this one.

Best Picture

Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire

Expected Winner:
Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win:
Slumdog Millionaire

Synopsis: It's a foregone conclusion right? Also, I think I figured out why Button was nominated for so many Oscars. They didn't want to hurt Brad Pitts' feelings completely so they gave him the pre-Oscar contentment with all the nods. I'd hate to be in the orphanage him and Angelina Jolie call home after this dude realizes he was in a 2 hour plus movie where he talked in one of the most ridiculous "accents" ever captured on film.

Other Predicted Winners:

Slumdog Millionaire

Sound Mixing:
The Dark Knight

Sound Editing:
The Dark Knight

Costume Design:
The Duchess

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Lil J!!

Let it sink in. Good. Good. Now watch some of the responses.

I know this first one might start out annoying but this girl is actually pretty funny.

Lil S

Tracy Morgan's Fish Are OK

Yesterday morning a fire broke out at Tracy Morgan's New York apartment. The fire apparently started because of a faulty electrical component in his fish tank. Luckily, all the fish and Tracy survived. Here's the official statement released by Tracy Morgan:

"A fire broke out in my Manhattan apartment this morning, apparently starting with a lamp attached to my fish tank. The sprinklers promptly activated and the NYFD came by to make sure it was contained.. Fortunately, the fire did not spread and no one in the building was injured -- even the fish are okay. My thanks to the New York Fire Department for their quick action."

I read that statement as though Tracy Morgan was actually saying it and I kept laughing. Good to know everyone is safe though. Here's a clip in honor of his fish:

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Musafar...Don't Be Scurrred

Every once in a while a video comes around that reminds us all why the internet was invented by Al Gore. This is one of those videos. I think you all just got served.


It turns out we're all using cocaine. Apparently you, me, all of us are blowing lines like nobodies business. Do not underestimate the Jesus Factor though. Walk Hard people.

The Masturbating Bear Retires

Conan ends his late night show this Friday. Kinda sad right? Basically nothing is changing except for the fact they can't bring some of the risque characters with the to the 11:30 time slot. Characters like the Masturbating Bear for instance. In the next few days I'll feature some of my favorite Conan sketches from years gone by, so yeah, there's that to look forward to.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J

Let me start by saying if you're not watching this show, start watching this show. I gave it three full episodes before I decided to chime in on this beast. I'm confident now in saying that this is easily one of the best shows on television right now. In case you don't know Ray J is Brandy's brother who also has a sex tape where he goes to town on Kim Kardashian. The premise of the show is that Ray J is sick and tired of the party scene and party girls and is now looking for true love. Yes, the concept is tired and lame but the content is where this show really shines. This week Stilts got the boot because she's married. Yeah, that might be a problem. The first two episodes we lost Hot Cocoa (old), Atomic Bomb (boring), Naturalle (wanna be actress) and Genuine (wanna be actress). Here's a power ranking and I'll also feature a profile of a girl I think stands an actual chance of "winning" the show.

Week 3 Power Ranking

1. Danger - She's got him by the balls plus it came out this week that she says he impregnated her during the filming of the show. That helps.

2. Chardonnay - Still going strong even though she's pissed that Danger's clearly in the lead

3. Unique - Cute girl who I think hasn't done much to hurt her chances, preview indicates she freaks out next week but I still think she's safe

4. Stacks - Stacks showed some personality this week and she's pretty hot. She's still in it.

5. Cashmere - Cashmere is so quiet. Is she quiet because she's mysterious or dumb? We're gonna find out. The cardinal sin of this show is to be boring.

6. Cocktail - The Spy. She's fixated on exposing everyone else. Super insecure. She's either due for a breakdown or will craftily maneuver to the top 5.

7. Feisty - Gotta love whores. Don't know if it's enough to help her stick around though.

8. Lil Hood - I'm just hoping this isn't a case of reverse reverse racism. She's clearly busted and lacks any discernable talent or personality so why is she still around?

9. Caviar - I really like this girl but she's ridiculously dumb. Clearly in it for the publicity and also appears to have some super skeezeball boyfriend/manager/photographer named Larry. I hope she can survive another round but it's not looking good.

Profile of the Week



-Did the splits slash fucked the floor
-Put ice cream and nuts all over her body
-Read Ray J a poem


-Kind of a bitch


Chardonnay is a contender. I definitely think she will be in the top 3 providing she can survive the impending mental breakdown and/or catfight(s)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Seduction 101

Forget "The Game" and forget all those other seduction books and videos I know you bought. If you want to be an awesome seducer just watch this video over and over. You're welcome.


I can totally vouch for the guy who said all you need is a dollar, a twelve pack of beer, a gram of coke and a whip. That ALWAYS works.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Brett Favre Retires...Again

Quick! Name a way you can waste 12 million dollars? If you don't know just call up the Jets and they'll tell you. Brett Favre informed the Jets today that he will retire (again). What this probably means is that he'll go play for the Vikings or some other NFC North team so he can stick it to the people who supported him for 16 years. Has there ever been a better example of a wolf in sheep's clothing than Brett Favre? The guy gets built up as though he's the greatest human being ever and for what? Because he throws a lot of interceptions? Or maybe because he was addicted to pills? Or maybe because he held his former team hostage for 3 straight seasons? Or whas it that time he completely ruined the Jets? Well ruined them more. I guess we can't totally blame him for fucking up the Jets. To be fair to him they're in a constant state of fuckedupness. Anyways, good riddance to you Brett Favre. Take your shuckster, sadsack routine somewhere else. I'm sure your whole fucking family secretely despises you and is loathing the fact you're gonna be around now since publicly you're the biggest two-timing hypcocrite ever. It's only natural that you would carry that into your personal life. Peace bitch, it's been real.

Japanese People Still Haven't Gotten The Memo About Blackface

This guy enacted real change. Lemon into Orange? Yes we can!

Billy Mays Dubs

I found these the other day and thought they were awesome. Enjoy!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Grammy Predictions

I like to think that I'm really good at predicting outcomes of Award shows. Now I'm testing whether I am in fact good at it or I'm just delusional. Probably a combination of the two. So here are my predictions of who I think will win coveted Grammy's (for categories that I deem pertinent) and who I hope wins in each category.

Record of the Year

Nominees: Adele - Chasing Pavements, Coldplay - Viva La Vida, Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love, M.I.A. - Paper Planes, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss - Please Read The Letter

Who I want to win: Adele

Who I think will win: Adele

Synopsis: Maybe it's just wishful thinking but I really believe that Adele is going to be the "surprise" winner at this years Grammy's. Her album "19" is fantastic and "Chasing Pavements" appeals to music connaisseur's and pop fans alike. Sure Coldplay could make a push but that song was just OK and they straight stole it from Joe Satriani. Bleeding Love was pretty fucking money but let's be real "Chasing Pavements" takes it out back and has it's way with it when the crowds go home.

Album of the Year

Nominees: Coldplay - Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends, Lil Wayne - Tha Carter III, Ne-Yo - Year of the Gentleman, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss - Raising Sand, Radiohead - In Rainbows

Who I want to win: Ne-Yo - Year of the Gentleman

Who I think will win: Coldplay - Viva La Vida

Synopsis: Very weak category this year. Coldplay's album is decent not great, Weezy's album was ultimately disappointing despite being the best selling album of the year. Radiohead, well, they're Radiohead and their album was pretty good but let's be real it's not the best album of the year by any stretch of the imagination. The only album I didn't listen to was Robert Plant's so maybe that's a winner and I just missed it. Ne-Yo's album I liked and it's really just the best of a bad group. I'd be blown away if "Year of the Gentleman" actually wins though.

Song of the Year

Nominees: American Boy, Chasing Pavements, I'm Yours, Love Song, Viva La Vida

Who I want to win: Chasing Pavements

Who I think will win: Chasing Pavements

Synopsis: It's not surprise that I'm pulling for Adele here but I actually think she has a shot in this one. This is a real solid category and some serious competition. This could go to anyone really with the notable exception of "Viva La Vida" since they just stole the song.

Best New Artist

Nominees: Adele, Duffy, Jonas Brothers, Lady Antebellum, Jazmine Sullivan

Who I want to win: Adele

Who I think will win: Jazmine Sullivan

Synopsis: Another very tough category. Everyone is worthy (although I'm not very acquainted with Lady Antebellum) except the Jonas Brothers. I mean I guess people like them right? And by people I of course mean your 10 year old sister. Jazmine Sullivan probably deserves this as much as anyone because her album was extremely solid and she's an amazing artist. Duffy also is pretty good but again I really think Adele should be the winner but I just don't see her sweeping all these categories.

Here are my predictions for some other categories:

Best Female Pop Performance

My horse: Adele - Chasing Pavements

Expected Winner: Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

Best Male Pop Performance

My Horse: Ne-Yo - Closer

Expected Winner: Ne-Yo - Closer

Best Pop Vocal Album

My Horse: Leona Lewis - Spirit

Expected Winner: Leona Lewis - Spirit

Best Dance Recording

My horse: Rihanna - Disturbia

Expected Winner: Lady Gaga - Just Dance

Best Rock Album:

My Horse: Kings Of Leon - Only By The Night

Expected Winner: Coldplay - Viva La Vida

Best Female RnB Vocal Performance

My Horse: Jazmine Sullivan - Need U Bad

Expected Winner: Alicia Keys - Superwoman

Best Male RnB Vocal Performance

My Horse: Ne-Yo - Miss Independent

Expected Winner: Ne-Yo - Miss Independent

Best RnB Album

My Horse: Raphael Saadiq - The Way I See It

Expected Winner: Jennifer Hudson - Jennifer Hudson

Best Contemporary RnB Album

My Horse: J. Holiday - Back Of My Lac

Expected Winner: Jazmine Sullivan - Fearless

Best Rap Solo Performance

My Horse: Lil Wayne - A Milli

Expected Winner: Lil Wayne - A Milli

Best Rap Song

My Horse: Lil Wayne - Lollipop

Expected Winner: Lil Wayne - Lollipop

Best Rap Album

My Horse: T.I. - Paper Trail

Expected Winner: Lil Wayne - Tha Carter III

Producer Of The Year

My Horse: Will.I.Am

Expected Winner: Will.I.Am

Saturday, February 7, 2009

RIP J Dilla

I'm not going to pretend that I'm the preeminent source of knowledge on all things Dilla. Or that I even knew who Dilla was before one of my good friends introduced me to him a while ago. I will say that his music is fucking amazing. If you haven't had the opportunity to listen to anything by him I sincerely hope you take the time today or sometime in the near future to listen. It's impossible to count all the times I've just zoned out listening to his shit. Really it's just other worldly stuff. The good die young huh? RIP J Dilla.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Facebook Is Dangerous

Sure we all know that facebook can be invasive and super stalkerish but did you know it could lead to male on male rape? Yeah, me neither. My question is, why would these guys who sent pictures of their junk to this kid then go ahead and engage in sex acts? I mean sure I don't really want people posting pictures of my dingaling all over the place but that sure as hell beats sucking some dude's cock or getting fucked in the ass. Is that even a decision you have to think about? I really don't feel bad for any of these kids who got sexually exploited, they're fucking morons who probably wanted to give some head to begin with. Actually this kid is like a modern day Robin Hood of gay sex. He goes out with nothing but the kindness of his heart and convinces people who wanted to have gay sex anyway to have gay sex. It's really a public service.

Retrospectively This Is Very Creepy

Don't know how convincing his relaxation technique is.

Marshawn Lynch Is Kinda Sorta Awesome

Gotta give it to Marshawn here. Credit where credit is due. I dislike many things about the Buffalo Bills but today Marshawn has truly earned my respect. Here is Marshawn Lynch's Sporting News profile.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Kids On Drugs

This kid totally nailed what being on a hallucinogen is like your first time. Best quote, "I feel funny. Why's this happening to me? Is this going to last forever?" Solid.