Pretzels

If that picture is at all appetizing to you please for you own good stop reading now. There are two foods that people get wildly offended at me for when I divulge that I do not like them. One is s'mores. I just don't see the big deal with s'mores. I mean give me a graham cracker and I'm good. Give me some chocolate and I'm good. Fuck marshmallows. It's like why ruin two perfectly awesome foods with gross loser marshmallow. Marshmallow is like the outcast some douche invited to the party and nobody else wants them to be there. Anyway, this post isn't about s'mores and how horrible they are, it's about how awful and terrible pretzels are and how polarizing an issue they can apparently be.

Listen, I'm the first to admit my hatred and disgust with pretzels is somewhat irrational and completely rooted in a traumatizing experince from when I was a child. The year: 1991, the place: New York City, Macy's Day Parade. I was visiting my aunt in New York and the Macy's Day Parade was in full-swing. The Spiderman float was passing by and boy was I hungry. Out of the corner of my eye I spied a soft-pretzel vendor. We go and purchase a salted pretzel with mustard. Even typing this I get a little queasy. I eat the whole thing and then proceed to hurl the entire rest of the day. Since that fateful day I have never again eaten a soft-pretzel. I'm just lucky it didn't ruin Spiderman for me too. Somewhere along the way regular pretzels got lumped in with soft-pretzels. I'll dabble with regular pretzels but I find nothing appealing about them whatsoever. Now to me, the craziest thing is how upset people get when I tell them I don't like pretzels. People take it like a personal slight against them. What's the big deal? I think pretzels suck and quite frankly I'm sick of living in a world where I'm ridiculed and ostracized for not liking pretzels. So fuck you pretzels and your never ending quest to ruin my life.