Pure Human Vocals

So powerful. And creepy. Gotta mention the creepy.

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Ray J Kinda Freaks Out

This was another extremely solid episode. Listen, this show took a cue from another one of my favorite shows, Maury, and brought in the lie detector. In fact, I think that was the same lie detector guy that they use on the Maury show. The overarching theme of this episode was how Danger is crazy and Unique is horrible. Ray J also wasn't feeling Chardonnay at all (did you see what she did on the pole Ray J, did you!?) Danger kinda lost her shit because Unique put down some pretty rough questions for the lie detector and Danger just powered through them answering pretty truthfully and choosing not to pass. Unique on the other hand lied about pretty much everything and we also found out that Cocktail is pretty insecure and doesn't have the highest self-esteem. That's alright Cocktail that shirt you were wearing was fucking great. Brandy was pretty much useless and got fooled by Unique. I tried to get mad at Brandy for thinking Unique was good but I remember that at one point even I liked Unique. If you don't have a camera trained on her it's hard to read that she's the worst. Chardonnay actually did the best on the lie detector and won her first one-on-one date with Ray J. I thought they had already had a one-on-one but I guess not. They go out to dinner and Ray J starts babbling about family love vs. other love and starts acting all weird. Ultimately, it came down to Ray J not being attracted to Chardonnay so he kicked her off setting up the final three: Danger, Unique and Cocktail.

The subplot of this episode was how Ray J kinda freaked out after the lie detector results. It actually got pretty intense in the house. Ray J started to crack during his dinner with Chardonnay where he started rambling about this category of love and that kind of love. Destination: Weirdville. Population: Ray J. That prompted Ray J to decide he's having the elimination early slash the producers didn't plan anything to fill up a whole episode. Then Ray J goes through the whole rigmarole and eventually dismisses Chardonnay. Chardonnay will be fine she was cool. To quote Danger from next week's episode, "someone needs to drive me to the hospital" because this shit is getting intense!


Week 9 Power Rankings

1. Danger - She's cool but she definitely has to get her shit together.

2. Cocktail - Could do some damage here, watch out.

3. Unique - Ugh.

Profile of the Week

Unique

Strengths:

-None
-Fine, she's really good at making people think she's "real" and she's not, not at all.

Weaknesses:

-"Evil, vindictive, she's fat, she smells funny and she's mean."

Breakdown:

I'll admit she even had me fooled the first few episodes. She's good at putting on a front. She's not as good as she thinks she is at putting on a front but she's not bad at it. Hell, she even conned Brandy tonight, and we all know Brandy is about as observant as it can get. We know that right? Whatever, I hope she leaves although I get the feeling they're setting us up with a Danger-Unique final.

This Is How Justin Timberlake Learned

From the best.

ShamWow Guy Beats Up Tongue-Biting Hooker

Vince Shlomi, best known as television's ShamWow! guy, was arrested in Miami last month. For beating up a prostitute. Who allegedly tried to bite his tongue out. Did you know that? Now you do.

The Smoking Gun got hold of the police report and Mr. Shlomi's mug shot, and as you can see, he didn't escape unscathed. But neither did she. The facts of the case, briefly, according to the police report:

• Shlomi meets Sasha Harris in a Miami club. They go back to his hotel.
• She propositions him for "straight sex." He pays her a thousand bucks in cash.
• He kisses her.
• She "bit his tongue and would not let go."
• He punches her in her face repeatedly until she lets go.
• He runs down to the hotel lobby.
• They both get arrested.

Why am I just hearing about this now? Fuck the economy, fuck anything else this needs to be scrolling on CNN, MSNBC, and FOXNEWS constantly. Awesome! I guess the old adage of, being a highly successful infomercial pitchman gets you laid like nobodies business isn't true. So now you know.

If I Ever Faint This Is How I Want To Do It

Role Models: Lord of the Rings Stylee

Role Models was a pretty good movie. Not as good as "Stepbrothers" or "I Love You, Man" but it was a solid flick. It's worth it for the L.A.I.R.E. stuff alone.

For The Love Of Ray J Music Video

It's nice because he breaks down how he gave all of them their names. Informative, that's why I like it.

Lames

So I guess www.fmylife.com is pretty awesome:

Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see they had misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML.

I'm on board.

For No Particular Reason

Yayerr. Oh and Chaka Kahn totally sings this theme song.

Douchebags

I bet you thought it was gonna be another Lance Armstrong post huh?

Pretzels

If that picture is at all appetizing to you please for you own good stop reading now. There are two foods that people get wildly offended at me for when I divulge that I do not like them. One is s'mores. I just don't see the big deal with s'mores. I mean give me a graham cracker and I'm good. Give me some chocolate and I'm good. Fuck marshmallows. It's like why ruin two perfectly awesome foods with gross loser marshmallow. Marshmallow is like the outcast some douche invited to the party and nobody else wants them to be there. Anyway, this post isn't about s'mores and how horrible they are, it's about how awful and terrible pretzels are and how polarizing an issue they can apparently be.

Listen, I'm the first to admit my hatred and disgust with pretzels is somewhat irrational and completely rooted in a traumatizing experince from when I was a child. The year: 1991, the place: New York City, Macy's Day Parade. I was visiting my aunt in New York and the Macy's Day Parade was in full-swing. The Spiderman float was passing by and boy was I hungry. Out of the corner of my eye I spied a soft-pretzel vendor. We go and purchase a salted pretzel with mustard. Even typing this I get a little queasy. I eat the whole thing and then proceed to hurl the entire rest of the day. Since that fateful day I have never again eaten a soft-pretzel. I'm just lucky it didn't ruin Spiderman for me too. Somewhere along the way regular pretzels got lumped in with soft-pretzels. I'll dabble with regular pretzels but I find nothing appealing about them whatsoever. Now to me, the craziest thing is how upset people get when I tell them I don't like pretzels. People take it like a personal slight against them. What's the big deal? I think pretzels suck and quite frankly I'm sick of living in a world where I'm ridiculed and ostracized for not liking pretzels. So fuck you pretzels and your never ending quest to ruin my life.

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Danger Thinks You Bake Pancakes

Hey, first off this was a great episode huh? Drama, intrigue, Unique being a huge bitch, this show had it all. Let's go in order. So, Danger thought you're supposed to bake pancakes. I mean, listen, I understand if you're not a good cook that's cool ladies some people just never learned. But I thought people were born with the knowledge of how to make a fucking pancake. I'll give you a hint in case you stumbled over to this magic machine and also somehow know how to read: YOU MAKE A PANCAKE IN A PAN. Still that doesn't really affect how I feel about Danger. She did what no one else had the balls or brains to do and that's call out horrible, horrible Unique.

It was a great idea to make these girls cook with kids in the kitchen. Let me tell you something about kids, yeah they're cute and can say really unintentionally funny things a lot of the time but holy shit kids are fucking annoying. Seeing how the girls handled that was an awesome idea. Cocktail actually shot up in my book mainly because of this challenge. Sure, she's still a spy but she showed she works well with kids and kids can usually spot a fraud. Probably a key factor as to why Unique decided to bail out of the kitchen to be the hostess and subsequently steal Danger and Feisty's charity tips. Have I mentioned how Unique is the worst? Anyways, the Blue team (which consisted of Chardonnay, Unique and Cocktail) won because Unique cheated and then the kids voted Cocktail the best which won her a one on one date. Nothing doing there except Cocktail made some strides and also ratted out Feisty as a "party girl."

Feisty turning out to be not just a fun party girl but a raging alcoholic was kind of a no brainer. I feel bad for Feisty because she's really a nice cute girl but I think she's a little too young to take this competition seriously? Did I just type that? Anyways it's probably good she went I don't know if I could take any more "reelly reelly's" to be honest. Now on to Unique...

Let's sum up Unique in Danger's own words, "She's evil, vindictive, she's fat, she smells funny and she's mean." Amen Danger, Amen. Hey Unique, next time you're trying to prove someone else is psychotic it's probably best to not yell and scream like a mental patient when trying to make said point. Her predicted breakdown came but somehow she survived it. I think Ray J saw enough to decide that she should eventually leave but he let her stick around a little longer. Danger read this girl like a book. She went up confronted her calmly and let Unique dig her own grave. Hook line and sinker. What scares the shit out of me is how Unique gets Danger to crack next week with her horribleness. If Unique gets Danger off this show I swear I will so write VH1 a stern letter expressing my displeasure. Power rankings:


Week 8 Power Rankings

1. Danger - The teaser showed some vulnerability. That's a good thing.

2. Cocktail - Hey, Cocktail despite being a huge spy kinda knows how to be a good person. It's too bad she uses that knowledge to narc on everyone else.

3. Chardonnay - I like Chardonnay a lot. She's been playing it cool but as long as she dances at least once an episode I think she deserves to stick around.

4. Unique - I have no words for her awfulness.

Profile of the Week

Danger

Strengths:

-Confident
-Interesting
-Socially Intelligent
-Artistic

Weaknesses:

-Potential homicidal tendencies

Breakdown:

Danger is easily the most interesting of the contestants. She's definitely insane, has a tattoo on her face and pretty much has been in control of the entire show since she slept with Ray J really early on. She's also by far the smartest girl in a social sense. Even though the teaser shows Danger cracking a little bit I think that will ultimately endear her even more to Ray J which in turn will lead to Unique's downfall. Fingers crossed.

Adorable of the Day

You're welcome.