For The Love Of Ray J Recap

Fuck. My main girl Caviar got voted off the show tonight. Too bad because she truly was a good chunk of the show's humor. She got busted tonight because mufuggin' Chicago Larry of all people ratted her out to Ray J. She tried to manipulate his mind sexually with a striptease earlier in the day but, alas, her efforts were in vain. You know, it's easy to blame Caviar in this situation but Chicago Larry totally played her. He was just manipulating Caviar which let's be honest doesn't seem that hard to do. Earlier in the show the girls split up into three groups and performed a Motown song. Unique fucked up even though she's supposedly such a great singer. That's gonna hurt her in the power rankings. Yeah I'm still doing those. Ray J and his dad picked the Blue team which was Cocktail, Cashmere and Lil Hood. Lil Hood is by far the worst. She should have been cut this week but Caviar/Chicago Larry totally saved her ass. Cashmere is OK she seems cool and probably a pretty real person but she's gotta make a statement. Ray J picked Cocktail for his special one on one date and he sang to her and it was weird but she cried. Cool. She's hot but takes so much maniacal joy in other people's failures it's weird. Anyways, in honor of Caviar's departure this weeks' profile will be dedicated to her, but first the power rankings:

Week 4 Power Ranking

1. Danger - Once again, she's slept with the dude. She owns him and she knows it.

2. Cocktail - The crying at his piano song scored some big points. She's also hot as hell.

3. Chardonnay - Wasn't really featured this week but she's smart and has shown she can bring the sexy too.

4. Cashmere - Playing up the mysterious thing or genuinely shy? Gotta show me something more.

5. Stacks - Sometimes she just gets lost in the shuffle. She's not done yet though.

6. Feisty - I feel like I'm unjustly putting her here. Also I'm pretty sure she has a face.

7. Unique - C'mon baby you just can't sing. It's alright just don't make that your one "thing."

8. Lil Hood - Tell me I'm wrong.

Profile of the Week

Caviar

Strengths:

-Exotic
-Hot
-Hilarious

Weaknesses:

-Very Stupid
-Already got kicked off the show

Breakdown:

Not much to say here other than she will be missed.

Oscars: The Breakdown

You know sometimes I just say stuff. Clearly, I didn't "murder/annihilate/destroy" the Oscars like people had claimed I would. It's cool, you know you win some and you lose some. First off I'd like to point out (and I can and in no way "prove" this) but I really wanted to pick Penelope Cruz for Best Supporting Actress. I didn't for two reasons. The first being how long ago I saw "Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona." It was a long time ago! The second is that I was convinced that they were going to give Benjamin Button something besides editing and cinematography. They didn't and good move because that movie sucked. And the third reason which I didn't mention up there is because Marisa Tomei is fucking amazing and they should just give her an honorary Oscar every year. So the night got off to a bad start. Let's see what else I fucked up. Well, I got Best Actress wrong because I picked Meryl Streep but I thought they would just pander. Note that I did think Kate Winslet gave the best performance in "The Reader." I got cinematography wrong but whatever that's lame. Everything else I picked I got right, maybe I fucked up sound mixing or some shit but whatever. Totally nailed Costume Design though!



As for the actual show. Um...holy shit the Oscars are fucking boring. Hugh Jackman came out of the closet last night and we established that Kate Winslet is constantly out of breath. What else? Oh yeah, A.R. Rahman the composer who scored and wrote original songs for "Slumdog Millionaire" is the weirdest "performer" ever. He just stood on stage and awkwardly gyrated for the entire performance of "Jai Ho" which also curiously featured John Legend who looked as confused as anyone as to why he was on the stage. I understand that people who write music usually have a secret passion to get on stage themselves but sometimes you just have to look at yourself and go, "I have no stage presence whatsoever. In fact I believe I have negative stage presence." Still, beautiful music from Mr. Rahman who's name makes me want Ramen noodles even though it's not spelled the same. Performance below.

Oscar Predictions

The 81st Academy Awards are tonight at 8pm EST. That's 5pm PST. I'm good at math. And also still kinda drunk from yesterday. That being said, let me murder the fuck out of these Oscar predictions. We all know how I savagely destroyed the Grammy's and I'm even more confident in these predictions. Without further ado here are my Oscar picks:

Actor in a Leading Role

Nominees: Richard Jenkins, Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Frank Langella, Mickey Rourke

Expected Winner: Mickey Rourke

Who Should Win: Mickey Rourke

Synopsis: As much as I would love to give this one to Richard Jenkins (he was awesome) Mickey Rourke absolutely killed it in "The Wrestler." All of these performances were really strong but I gotta go Mickey here. Sean Penn could also win this but I don't think anyone really saw that movie. Sidenote: If Brad Pitt or "Benjamin Button" wins anything it's a muffugin joke.

Actor in a Supporting Role

Nominees: Josh Brolin, Robert Downey Jr., Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Heath Ledger, Michael Shannon

Expected Winner: Heath Ledger

Who Should Win: Heath Ledger

Synopsis: With all the hype surrounding Heath Ledger's death it's easy to overlook the fact that he delivered a helluva performance in "The Dark Knight." Phillip Seymour Hoffman was pretty fucking awesome too but I think Ledger deserves the posthumous nod.

Actress in a Leading Role

Nominees: Anne Hathaway, Angelina Jolie, Melissa Leo, Meryl Streep, Kate Winslet

Expected Winner: Meryl Streep

Who Should Win: Kate Winslet

Synopsis: Very hard to go against Streep but "The Reader" was one of my favorite movies this go around. She gets naked in it and really draws you in to her character from the start. I'll be honest, I didn't see "Frozen River" so I don't know how Melissa Leo did but Hathaway and Jolie were also pretty strong.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Nominees: Marisa Tomei, Amy Adams, Penelope Cruz, Taraji P. Henson, Viola Davis

Expected Winner: Taraji P. Henson

Who Should Win: Marisa Tomei

Synopsis: Ok, Ok, this is a total sentimental vote from me. I am unabashed about my love for Marisa Tomei. I thought she did a great job and was easily as good as anyone in this category. Now here's the X-Factor. I think for how "epic" "Benjamin Button" was they have to throw it an Oscar in a meaningful category. Taraji was very good but I really think everyone else with the exception of Viola Davis (she was barely in the movie for fucks sake) dwarfed her performance. This is definitely a tough category.

Directing

Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire

Expected Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win: Slumdog Millionaire

Synopsis: This one is just a three-horse race. Button and Nixon were just not up to snuff in this one at all. Hey, yes it's super-hyped but Slumdog was a really good movie and even if the direction was a little heavy-handed it still was the best in this category.

Music (Score)

Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Defiance, Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E

Expected Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win: Slumdog Millonaire

Synopsis: C'mon let's be real Slumdog is 2/3 of the original song category. I didn't see Defiance but gotta figure Slumdog takes home the hardware in this one.

Best Picture

Nominees: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire

Expected Winner: Slumdog Millionaire

Who Should Win: Slumdog Millionaire

Synopsis: It's a foregone conclusion right? Also, I think I figured out why Button was nominated for so many Oscars. They didn't want to hurt Brad Pitts' feelings completely so they gave him the pre-Oscar contentment with all the nods. I'd hate to be in the orphanage him and Angelina Jolie call home after this dude realizes he was in a 2 hour plus movie where he talked in one of the most ridiculous "accents" ever captured on film.

Other Predicted Winners:

Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire

Sound Mixing: The Dark Knight

Sound Editing: The Dark Knight

Costume Design: The Duchess

Lil J!!

Let it sink in. Good. Good. Now watch some of the responses.

I know this first one might start out annoying but this girl is actually pretty funny.



Lil S

Tracy Morgan's Fish Are OK

Yesterday morning a fire broke out at Tracy Morgan's New York apartment. The fire apparently started because of a faulty electrical component in his fish tank. Luckily, all the fish and Tracy survived. Here's the official statement released by Tracy Morgan:

"A fire broke out in my Manhattan apartment this morning, apparently starting with a lamp attached to my fish tank. The sprinklers promptly activated and the NYFD came by to make sure it was contained.. Fortunately, the fire did not spread and no one in the building was injured -- even the fish are okay. My thanks to the New York Fire Department for their quick action."

I read that statement as though Tracy Morgan was actually saying it and I kept laughing. Good to know everyone is safe though. Here's a clip in honor of his fish:

Musafar...Don't Be Scurrred

Every once in a while a video comes around that reminds us all why the internet was invented by Al Gore. This is one of those videos. I think you all just got served.

C-Caine

It turns out we're all using cocaine. Apparently you, me, all of us are blowing lines like nobodies business. Do not underestimate the Jesus Factor though. Walk Hard people.

The Masturbating Bear Retires

Conan ends his late night show this Friday. Kinda sad right? Basically nothing is changing except for the fact they can't bring some of the risque characters with the to the 11:30 time slot. Characters like the Masturbating Bear for instance. In the next few days I'll feature some of my favorite Conan sketches from years gone by, so yeah, there's that to look forward to.

For The Love Of Ray J

Let me start by saying if you're not watching this show, start watching this show. I gave it three full episodes before I decided to chime in on this beast. I'm confident now in saying that this is easily one of the best shows on television right now. In case you don't know Ray J is Brandy's brother who also has a sex tape where he goes to town on Kim Kardashian. The premise of the show is that Ray J is sick and tired of the party scene and party girls and is now looking for true love. Yes, the concept is tired and lame but the content is where this show really shines. This week Stilts got the boot because she's married. Yeah, that might be a problem. The first two episodes we lost Hot Cocoa (old), Atomic Bomb (boring), Naturalle (wanna be actress) and Genuine (wanna be actress). Here's a power ranking and I'll also feature a profile of a girl I think stands an actual chance of "winning" the show.


Week 3 Power Ranking

1. Danger - She's got him by the balls plus it came out this week that she says he impregnated her during the filming of the show. That helps.

2. Chardonnay - Still going strong even though she's pissed that Danger's clearly in the lead

3. Unique - Cute girl who I think hasn't done much to hurt her chances, preview indicates she freaks out next week but I still think she's safe

4. Stacks - Stacks showed some personality this week and she's pretty hot. She's still in it.

5. Cashmere - Cashmere is so quiet. Is she quiet because she's mysterious or dumb? We're gonna find out. The cardinal sin of this show is to be boring.

6. Cocktail - The Spy. She's fixated on exposing everyone else. Super insecure. She's either due for a breakdown or will craftily maneuver to the top 5.

7. Feisty - Gotta love whores. Don't know if it's enough to help her stick around though.

8. Lil Hood - I'm just hoping this isn't a case of reverse reverse racism. She's clearly busted and lacks any discernable talent or personality so why is she still around?

9. Caviar - I really like this girl but she's ridiculously dumb. Clearly in it for the publicity and also appears to have some super skeezeball boyfriend/manager/photographer named Larry. I hope she can survive another round but it's not looking good.

Profile of the Week

Chardonnay

Strengths:

-Did the splits slash fucked the floor
-Put ice cream and nuts all over her body
-Read Ray J a poem
-Confident

Weaknesses:

-Catty
-Kind of a bitch

Breakdown:

Chardonnay is a contender. I definitely think she will be in the top 3 providing she can survive the impending mental breakdown and/or catfight(s)

Seduction 101

Forget "The Game" and forget all those other seduction books and videos I know you bought. If you want to be an awesome seducer just watch this video over and over. You're welcome.

P.S.

I can totally vouch for the guy who said all you need is a dollar, a twelve pack of beer, a gram of coke and a whip. That ALWAYS works.

Brett Favre Retires...Again

Quick! Name a way you can waste 12 million dollars? If you don't know just call up the Jets and they'll tell you. Brett Favre informed the Jets today that he will retire (again). What this probably means is that he'll go play for the Vikings or some other NFC North team so he can stick it to the people who supported him for 16 years. Has there ever been a better example of a wolf in sheep's clothing than Brett Favre? The guy gets built up as though he's the greatest human being ever and for what? Because he throws a lot of interceptions? Or maybe because he was addicted to pills? Or maybe because he held his former team hostage for 3 straight seasons? Or whas it that time he completely ruined the Jets? Well ruined them more. I guess we can't totally blame him for fucking up the Jets. To be fair to him they're in a constant state of fuckedupness. Anyways, good riddance to you Brett Favre. Take your shuckster, sadsack routine somewhere else. I'm sure your whole fucking family secretely despises you and is loathing the fact you're gonna be around now since publicly you're the biggest two-timing hypcocrite ever. It's only natural that you would carry that into your personal life. Peace bitch, it's been real.

Japanese People Still Haven't Gotten The Memo About Blackface

This guy enacted real change. Lemon into Orange? Yes we can!

Billy Mays Dubs

I found these the other day and thought they were awesome. Enjoy!