Halls

I've had at least 8 packs of Halls today. It's really the only thing that fends off the sharp stinging pain in my throat. The vapor action is like crack. I'm just worried that after I'm done being sick I'm still gonna crave these things. Seriously, if Halls commanded me to organize an army of evil babies to take over the world I'd do it. My throat huwts...=(

The NBA: Snoozefest '09

The NBA started again. Blah, blah, blah. The NBA isn't quite as bad as say Soccer or Hockey but man the regular season is unfathomably boring. Last year when I co-hosted a sports talk radio show at Berklee I had to watch a ton of basketball so I could pretend to know what I was talking about. That just confirmed how much it sucks now. Everyone knows, college basketball is where it's at.

Sick Days

Sick days kinda suck now. When I was young I remember always exaggerating various illnesses so I could stay home sick. Back then being sick usually entailed watching Gilligan's Island and Golden Girls all day. Now when I get sick I get scenes like today. Which basically entailed me calling various doctor's in Manhattan to make sure they A) accepted my insurance and B) the co-pay was low enough. Fun. On top of that the guy I saw shoved a camera up my nose just so he could look around. I wasn't very fond of that maneuver to be honest. He had to numb my nose up and put this weird paste in there then stuck the camera thingy up there. Ugh. Plus antibiotics are a fucking rip. So yeah being sick now actually sucks and wasn't the awesome time it was when I was ten.

Awesome Dolphins Post of the Week

Ha. Ha. Ha. The Bills. God love 'em. I mean 5-1 definitely got them sippin that kool-aid. They hadn't played any divisional games yet and pretty much beat up on weaklings but old Leroy down at the bar was talking 13-3 at halftime. I love it. The highlights:

• Ted Ginn Jr. has 7 catches for 175 yards. That wasn't a typo.
• Joey Porter is unstoppable. 2 more sacks and 2 forced fumbles one leading to a safety. Joey is gonna be Defensive MVP. You heard it hear first. It's very reminiscent of when JT won MVP in 2006. You just know Joey is gonna step up and make a huge play when it really matters. Wonderful.
• Turnovers. 4 to 1 in favor of the Dolphins. Our DB's held on to balls (pause) when they were thrown directly at them and fumbles galore. Very encouraging.

Trust me I'm not gonna start going crazy and saying this team is gonna be awesome this year. In all likelyhood we won't be great. But if the Dolphins can maintain some consistency we've proven we can at least win some games people don't expect us to win. Thanks for the unanimous picks against us NFL Gameday crew. Suck it Chris Berman!

*Bonus Story*

So I decided to drink pitchers to myself at the bar this weekend because I was sandwiched between two Bills fans and everyone in that area kind of hates me because I'm a huge asshole. So I was feeling it and I saw a guy in a Redskins jersey so I went up to tell him that the Lions suck and that the Redskins got it. I go up touch this guy's shoulder and he freaks the fuck out. He starts yelling at me, "Don't touch me, don't touch me. Don't fucking touch me!" Turns out he's a regular and a few of my bar friends there know him and he's not a bad guy just really weird. Regardless, my friends were sitting right next to him at the opposite end of the bar from from where I was so I'd get up once in a while to harass them about the Jets almost losing to Kansas City. Next to my friends was a woman who I'm guessing was no younger than 80 years old. Every time I would get up and go over there she proceeded to wag her finger at me and go, "No touchy, no touchy!" Then she took a tequila shot with everyone. Anyways moral of the story is if you see a fat red-headed guy at a bar wearing a Redskins jersey with MOE on the back of it do not touch him.

WTF PSA of the Day

One of my favorite things is ridiculous PSA's. Public service announcements for those not in the know. This one is particularly noteworthy. Now, I should point out that a lot of people find this to be horrible and not funny in the least. You really can't take the middle ground on this one. I personally find it hilarious. I mean, I get that the message is supposed to be that landmines are bad and in countries where they have them horrible shit happens. I get that. However, whoever produced this went a little bit, hmmm how should I put this...batshit insane. The dad in this should get a freaking Emmy for this commercial. Or at least a motherfucking Soap award. His overacting is priceless. The way he runs over. The way he screams, "Staaaaacy" and "AGHHHHH!" I mean that's a true fucking thespian right there. Plus the little girl limping off. Legendary. So we're gonna have a poll on this video since after showing to this to some people they have labeled me a heartless fuck.

P.S. How bad is the fucking red team? I mean that's the easiest goal ever.

Depressing Dolphins Post of the Week

"Who's Unibrow up there?" you might be asking yourself. It's none other than Ravens quarterback (and projected bust of the decade excluding Brady Quinn) Joe Flacco. Has there ever been a more wienertastic picture of an NFL QB? Oh right. Regardless, this motherfucker threw to one person the entire game. How many times do I have to sit at the bar yelling at the TV to cover Derrick Mason before the Dolphins coaches can hear me? God damnit! If it wasn't for Joey Porter and Ronnie Brown I'd have nothing to look forward to on Sunday. Luckily those two are Pro Bowl bound and make the Dolphins bearable. Fuck you Joe Flacco and your unibrow!

Oh and a special fuck you to Cam Cameron. You sleazy milquetoast motherfucker, I hope you choke on your fish sandwich (I took the liberty of assuming he has a fish sandwich and a milk for every meal of the day).

Atonement

I saw this movie this weekend. I had heard good things about it but to be blunt this movie blew me away. I watched the mofo twice. All I'm gonna say is if you like well written, well acted, amazingly executed movies with great music (scene on the beach equals holy shit) and love tragedies this is your shit. Check it out.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 8.9/10

P.S. I'm officially in love with Keira Knightley.

Depressing Dolphins Post of the Week

I'm posting that picture because I'm a masochist. 3 seconds. 4th and 2. We can't stop a gangly ass white dude from going up the gut to score the go ahead TD? What in the bloody fuck is that shit? Man, I don't even know what to say. Listen, I'm somewhat rational when it comes to the Dolphins (blatant lie). I realize that we're not a very good team. But we spanked the shit out of the Patriots (albeit Brady-less) and we effectively beat the shit out of the Chargers (who spanked the Brady-less Pats). We can't beat a fucking win-less Texans team? Listen, we've never beaten the Texans, in fact they're the only team we've never beaten in the NFL. That's irrelevant though. If the Dolphins are going to truly turn a corner this season, we win these fucking games. Shit, it's not even like I didn't know Andre Johnson was gonna shred us and essentially pull down his pants and lay a big steaming doody all over our DB's. That was obvious. It's just...GOD DAMNIT. I'm so fucking pissed off right now. Listen, if the Dolphins want my still beating heart on a fucking platter they can have it. Just don't make me watch Matt Schaub pull a QB draw to win a fucking game at the last fucking second. Clog the middle you motherfuckers!!! FUCK.

Construction Paper

So much for getting off of work on Columbus day huh? We always used to get off for it in school right? Sheeeyut, remember when we were in elementary school (I'm taking a leap of faith here and assuming all of my readers are above grade 5) and construction paper was part of our lives? Those were the days. You don't really hear about construction paper anymore. Or the big slicer thing that every teacher told you to be careful with. As if somehow we were just gonna be slicing and dicing all willy nilly. We get it, it's a huge slicer don't chop off any fingers. This post doesn't really have any cohesive theme, I for one am just upset that construction paper was ripped out of my life so suddenly and no one really ever brings it up anymore. Construction paper bitches.

Crushing Life

I'd like to direct your attention over to the Linktastic section of this blog. The what? Yeah, you see that little thing over there to the right that says "Linktastic." That's it hotshot you got it. Now click on Crushing Life. New blog by a good friend which is bound to be awesome. Not quite as awesome as this one, but as close as is humanly possible. Here's a link for you extremely lazy people:

Crushing Life

Baby Mama

I've been going through Tina Fey withdrawal lately. What with 30 Rock still on hiatus and those titillating Fey as Palin skits on SNL. So I decided to get my fix via "Baby Mama." I mean how can you go wrong with Fey and Poehler right? Shit the movie even has Steve Martin, Sigourney Weaver, Greg Kinnear and like every current SNL member. So much to my shagrin this movie is absolutely, unequivocally, unabashedly horrible. Shocking how bad this movie is really. I suppose if you're a 37 year old woman without a child who wants one you might be able to relate but I can't imagine even in that case that it would be funny. So save your time and money and never see this movie. I know, I know it's tempting but trust me this movie is Stinkfest 4000.

Official Hard Peaches rating: 4.3/10

The Subway

I pretty much have to take the subway every day now. It's really not that bad. Sure it's crowded, smelly and most people avoid direct eye contact like the plague but it's usually fine. Here's my issue. The people who think they're so cool that they don't need to hang on to the bars if they're standing up. Those people piss me off so much. Hey hot-shot, give me a fucking break. We all know that if the train suddenly jerks you're going down, no need to show off that you can stand in a calm environment. I just feel like it's bragging is all. So yeah fuck those people.

Bonus story, yesterday I saw a woman in a wheelchair using her feet to pull her self along. What the fuck is that shit?