Vicious Criminal

Watch out this motherfucker will get you! Peace bitches, it's Friday night!

The Sarcastic Clapping Family

Sorry for the quality but this is one of the best SNL sketches of all time. Sometimes I just sarcastically clap at my friends. It's a great way to alienate people and make them think you're an asshole.

Superbowl XLIII/Puppy Bowl V

The Superbowl kicks off this Sunday which I all know we're super jazzed up for. I defy you to find a blog that uses the words Superbowl and jazzed up in the same sentence. That's why I get paid the big bucks. Anyways, this years Superbowl pits the Pittsburgh Steelers (see what I did there?) against the Arizona Cardinals. Let me break this down for you. The Steelers have a ruthless defense with the league's Defensive MVP, a QB who has already won a championship and an excellent headcoach. The Cardinals have perhaps the games' best receiver in Larry Fitzgerald and God on their side (see: Kurt Warner). Tough call. But in my book Great Defense > God. Therefore, I like the Steelers by a score of 27-19. It won't be as close as that score indicates, Arizona will score a bullshit TD late in the game.

For those who aren't avid football fans let me direct your attention to the wonder that is the Puppy Bowl. The Puppy Bowl is amazing. It's basically 12 hours of continuous footage of puppies running around in a little play thing. It's awesome. Also don't forget the Kitty Halftime show. Here are the starting lineups for Puppy Bowl V. There's no real way to win the Puppy Bowl but if there was my money would be on Charlie Brown the 9 week old Doberman Mix. FTW!

Rainbow Road

WTF: Part 435206

It's a rap tune everybody! A few notes. The bassist is incredible. Why does the lead singer sing like Vincent Price? And what the hell is going on with the black chick's eyes? And did she just tell me to go down on brussel sprouts?

Valentine's Day Looms

Just in case any of you are planning on getting me a Valentine's gift I would like the VCR, chainsaw, and a car please.

You would think the chainsaw/power tools guy would be the best. What with his crazy beard and shades. But there is no way he's beating VCR/Guns/Title Loans guy. He's giving 110% in this commercial. Way to be guy, way to be.

Picture of the Day

Just remember this picture next time you put up those sexy bikini pictures ladies. Facebook: helping creepy reclusive loners masturbate since 2004.

Obama Is So Great...Wait, What's Going On?

The Most Disturbing Music Video Of All Time...Ever

This seems like a very specific target demographic if you ask me.

Lost Recap

A new season of Lost began last night. Rather than try to even attempt a legitimate recap let me just say that it's becoming completely apparent that the creators and writers of Lost are intentionally fucking with us all. Time travel, ghosts, people dying who aren't dead, people who are alive who are supposed to be dead it just makes no sense. Either way, I'm on board. Can't get off this ride now, I'm in too deep. Incidentally, I tried to watch this show with a bunch of avid Lost viewers and a couple of people who had never seen the show. Huge mistake. Like, I don't want to hate you for asking questions that are fair because you've never seen the show but for real, shut the fuck up. I kept having to go back and rewind over and over again because of the constant yapping. This season should be pretty good, but I will say that the season premiere didn't completely satisfy my huge Lost boner.

MacGyver Hates Racism

Fantastic.

Madam Isn't Home Right Now

Again, how are these videos getting made? She's just a bitter woman with too much time on her hands right? She wants to bill people for mis-dialing? She does seems like a woman who knows what she wants though. Listen, if she talks in that British accent in bed all I'm saying is I wouldn't not hit it.

Wait...They Do What?

That definitely falls under that category of too much information.

You Will Be Missed George W. Bush

Yeah I'm happy he's not running the country anymore too but hot damn he was a treasure trove of comedy.

This Is Normal

How did this get made? Get a room you two. This dude totally loves grabbing testicles.

I Love You, Man

Looks pretty good to me.

LeBron James Is A Joke

Yesterday they premiered a commercial where LeBron James gets signed by the Cleveland Browns and plays wide receiver for them. That's a dumb concept made even dumber by the fact that the team he's schooling in the commercial is none other than the Miami Dolphins. Seriously? I mean give me a fucking break. I would love for actual LeBron James to suit up and play against us. I would love it! Don't get me wrong LeBron James is a helluva player. Granted, I'm using the words " helluva player" in lieu of the words huge bitch. Fuck LeBron James, fuck the Browns and fuck whoever allowed the Dolphins to be portrayed in such a light (I'm looking at you Mr. Huizenga).

Rashida Jones

Rashida is an actress, model, singer, songwriter and writer. Fans of "The Office" might recognize her as Karen Filipelli. Not only is she super hot and talented she's also the daughter of legendary producer Quincy Jones. She's also Jewish. And best friends with Natalie Portman. Oh yeah and her sister, Kidada (pictured below), was engaged to Tupac. So pretty much this girl is freaking awesome. Here's a link to her wiki page so you can be further impressed.

Real Housewives Of Orange County (Season 4)

This is definitely one of my all-time favorite reality shows. Many of my friends can confirm this since I routinely force its' excellence on house guests.

This show should just be called "How To Judge, Guilt Free."

What ultimately ends up happening during the course of any given episode is you begin to judge the fuck out of the housewives some of which aren't even housewives (I'm looking at you Jeana).

It's fucking great and you don't have to feel bad because they're mostly awful people.

Plus, it's just an awesome show.

Take this week for instance. Tamra had a house party to show off her new skills after taking an etiquette class.

 Gretchen inevitably gets tanked because Tamra and Tamra's son, Ryan, keep feeding her tequila shots. Ryan keeps making creepy moves on Gretchen (who's fiancee is battling bone marrow cancer) and eventually they sneak into a room together.

It's almost Shakespearian.

Personally, I think Tamra is awful and the worst person but that's probably because her husband Simon is gay and he hasn't told anyone yet (just a theory but it's 100% accurate).

Gretchen is dumb but hopefully she doesn't fuck Ryan because that's weird and creepy and pretty horrible for the fiancee who's in the hospital.

Also everyone pretty much confirmed that Lynne smokes mad weed with her pot-head husband.

By the way this show is real. It's like if, "The OC" were real but everyone on the show was 30 years older.

If you're not watching this you're totally missing out.

American Idol

The new season of American Idol starts tonight and I for one am pretty effing amped! Sure, pretend you're too cool to watch it. What is it that you don't like exactly? The delusional people who think they can sing really well and epicly fail again and again? Or is it the hot pieces that come up and only go to Hollywood because Simon Cowell is a creepy old englishman? I usually say every season that I'm only going to watch the initial auditions and then I'm out. Inevitably I end staying for the whole season because it's awesome. So go ahead and act like you're better than all of us who watch this show. If that's what helps you sleep better at night more power to ya.

Freida Pinto

Incredibly hot. I thought she was amazing in "Slumdog Millionaire" and she was sexy as hell at the Golden Globes but hot damn some of these pictures are insane.

I Heart Japanese People: Part Deux

Awesome.

Singing Meat Patties Are Always A Good Thing

This is the video they used to show to the grill people at Wendy's back in the '80's. Now let's think about this objectively. You roll up to Wendy's in your DeLorean, moonwalk across the parking lot, chuckle as you remember that hilarious scene from yesterday's ALF episode and you walk into Wendy's. It's your first day on the job and, you know, you're not thrilled to be working at Wendy's but it's a decent hourly wage and you do what you gotta do to support your horrible Teddy Ruxpin obsession. So you walk in your first day and they show you this. Do you kill yourself right then or do you wait until you get home? That's the real question.

The FedEx Orange Bowl

Florida plays Oklahoma tonight to determine the BCS champion. Hooray! Rather than tell you why NCAA football needs a playoff system (it does) I'll just tell you that I don't really give a shit about college football. That being said, here's my breakdown of the game. Tim Tebow is good but I think he's a doofus so he sucks. Sam Bradford is amazing and accurate so he's good. Therefore Oklahoma wins. Happy? No? Fuck you. Granted, the last time I was this apathetic about a BCS title game Texas played USC and that was an incredible game. Who was the MVP of that one? Oh yeah, this guy. So you can see why even though college football has the potential to be interesting even the best players who play in the best games often don't translate into great NFL players. That's fundamentally why it's hard for me to get into college football. Also, I went to a freaking music school where we didn't have a college football team so maybe I'm just a hater. Yup, that's probably the more likely reason.

Why Jeopardy Is Amazing

Two of my favorite things in life are Jeopardy and exposing the Patriots for being classless losers. In the immortal words of McLovin, "I've got a boner."

Slumdog Millionaire

So many people have recommended I see this I almost didn't want to see it just to spite them. Luckily for me, my assholish and elitist tendencies only stop me from enjoying good things some of the time. This movie was fucking fantastic. I'm not even going to do a review, I'll just say if you enjoy movies and have any capability to be affected emotionally go see this movie. Seriously.


Official HardPeaches rating: 9.3/10


P.S.

Blogger is acting weird and won't let me post pictures. As soon as they get their collective shit together I'll post one.

P.P.S.

Fixed.

I Need To Go To The Dentist

But not this one:

Krackel

Krackel > Crunch Bar

That is all.

The Unborn

I had the grave misfortune of seeing the trailer for "The Unborn" in theaters. They played it before a showing of "Role Models" of all movies. That really pissed me off since I have steadfastly avoided scary movies at the theater for at least 5 years. The last scary movie I saw in theaters was "Stir Of Echoes" starring Kevin Bacon. IMDB tells me that movie came out in 1999 so I guess I haven't seen a scary movie in 10 years. If you haven't seen the trailer for "The Unborn" I'm going to post it below. They've been showing it on TV a ton lately and it never ceases to freak me out. Let me caution you that it is extremely disturbing and not at all cool. To this day it continues to haunt my dreams. Yeah, so, enjoy!

Superstars Of Dance

I'm a little under the weather so my judgment has been a tad skewed the past few days. A convenient excuse for why I found myself watching the new NBC show, "Superstars of Dance" last night. It's amazing what a little sickness and the lack of Sunday Night Football will do to a person. By the way this show should have been called, "Why Ireland Is The Best At Dancing." Between Michael Flatley and the ridiculous scores the Irish people got for their retarded jigs this show is a total con job. Anyways, much to my dismay I found myself thoroughly enjoying this shitfest of a show. The dancing was pretty stupid and boring but the judges were fucking awesome. The Argentine judge was absolutely off the wall. She was definitely under the influence of something. Also, there is no possible way these were the best dancers in the world. Impossible. Basically, the judges based their scores on what would make them look least like an asshole. So when the South African guy danced in his loincloth with sexually suggestive gestures people reacted accordingly. In reality that dance was probably like a 6. But of course the American judge gave him a 10. His own special form of reparations. Yeah, now it's even buddy, well done. Anyways, this show is cool, and the Indian dances are especially awesome. Oh yeah, and those Chinese Monks they were big upping? Fucking terrible.

Miami Dolphins Season Recap

Well our season ended today with a disappointing 27-9 loss to the Baltimore Ravens (who by the way are a great team with about as much class as a Geo Metro). Take it for what it's worth but when you have 5 turnovers and still are in a position to win it in the 4th quarter you're not a bad team. Shit, we weren't supposed to be here. So while I'm not happy we didn't get farther in the playoffs we definitely will be back. Oh and please spare me with all this Parcells leaving bullshit. If he goes, he goes. If he stays, he stays. We'll be fine either way. Honestly and truly if anyone tries to say the Dolphins aren't legit or hate in any conceivable way make sure you don't say that to my face. Not only will it prove you know absolutely nothing about football but it most likely will cause me to lose respect for you as a person. Sports fan or not respect what the Dolphins did this year. If you can't appreciate that then enjoy your miserable existence. Great season guys, it was a blast.

The Most Weirdly Wonderful Thing Of All Time

I have no words for this. Just passionate, passionate joy.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everybody! Cut me some slack on the no posting, I've been out of town for a while and I chose not to bring my computer along. Huge mistake. As awesome as the Blackberry is that thing is not a computer. I hope you all had an awesome New Year's Eve and amazing start to 2009. I for one am pretty excited.