Monday, March 30, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Ray J Kinda Freaks Out


This was another extremely solid episode. Listen, this show took a cue from another one of my favorite shows, Maury, and brought in the lie detector. In fact, I think that was the same lie detector guy that they use on the Maury show. The overarching theme of this episode was how Danger is crazy and Unique is horrible. Ray J also wasn't feeling Chardonnay at all (did you see what she did on the pole Ray J, did you!?) Danger kinda lost her shit because Unique put down some pretty rough questions for the lie detector and Danger just powered through them answering pretty truthfully and choosing not to pass. Unique on the other hand lied about pretty much everything and we also found out that Cocktail is pretty insecure and doesn't have the highest self-esteem. That's alright Cocktail that shirt you were wearing was fucking great. Brandy was pretty much useless and got fooled by Unique. I tried to get mad at Brandy for thinking Unique was good but I remember that at one point even I liked Unique. If you don't have a camera trained on her it's hard to read that she's the worst. Chardonnay actually did the best on the lie detector and won her first one-on-one date with Ray J. I thought they had already had a one-on-one but I guess not. They go out to dinner and Ray J starts babbling about family love vs. other love and starts acting all weird. Ultimately, it came down to Ray J not being attracted to Chardonnay so he kicked her off setting up the final three: Danger, Unique and Cocktail.

The subplot of this episode was how Ray J kinda freaked out after the lie detector results. It actually got pretty intense in the house. Ray J started to crack during his dinner with Chardonnay where he started rambling about this category of love and that kind of love. Destination: Weirdville. Population: Ray J. That prompted Ray J to decide he's having the elimination early slash the producers didn't plan anything to fill up a whole episode. Then Ray J goes through the whole rigmarole and eventually dismisses Chardonnay. Chardonnay will be fine she was cool. To quote Danger from next week's episode, "someone needs to drive me to the hospital" because this shit is getting intense!


Week 9 Power Rankings

1. Danger - She's cool but she definitely has to get her shit together.

2. Cocktail - Could do some damage here, watch out.

3. Unique - Ugh.

Profile of the Week


Unique




Strengths:

-None
-Fine, she's really good at making people think she's "real" and she's not, not at all.

Weaknesses:

-"Evil, vindictive, she's fat, she smells funny and she's mean."

Breakdown:

I'll admit she even had me fooled the first few episodes. She's good at putting on a front. She's not as good as she thinks she is at putting on a front but she's not bad at it. Hell, she even conned Brandy tonight, and we all know Brandy is about as observant as it can get. We know that right? Whatever, I hope she leaves although I get the feeling they're setting us up with a Danger-Unique final.

This Is How Justin Timberlake Learned



From the best.

Friday, March 27, 2009

ShamWow Guy Beats Up Tongue-Biting Hooker


Vince Shlomi, best known as television's ShamWow! guy, was arrested in Miami last month. For beating up a prostitute. Who allegedly tried to bite his tongue out. Did you know that? Now you do.

The Smoking Gun got hold of the police report
and Mr. Shlomi's mug shot, and as you can see, he didn't escape unscathed. But neither did she. The facts of the case, briefly, according to the police report:
  • Shlomi meets Sasha Harris in a Miami club. They go back to his hotel.
  • She propositions him for "straight sex." He pays her a thousand bucks in cash.
  • He kisses her.
  • She "bit his tongue and would not let go."
  • He punches her in her face repeatedly until she lets go.
  • He runs down to the hotel lobby.
  • They both get arrested.

Why am I just hearing about this now? Fuck the economy, fuck anything else this needs to be scrolling on CNN, MSNBC, and FOXNEWS constantly. Awesome! I guess the old adage of, being a highly successful infomercial pitchman gets you laid like nobodies business isn't true. So now you know.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Lames

So I guess www.fmylife.com is pretty awesome:

Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see they had misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML.


I'm on board.

For No Particular Reason



Yayerr. Oh and Chaka Kahn totally sings this theme song.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Douchebags



I bet you thought it was gonna be another Lance Armstrong post huh?

Pretzels


If that picture is at all appetizing to you please for you own good stop reading now. There are two foods that people get wildly offended at me for when I divulge that I do not like them. One is s'mores. I just don't see the big deal with s'mores. I mean give me a graham cracker and I'm good. Give me some chocolate and I'm good. Fuck marshmallows. It's like why ruin two perfectly awesome foods with gross loser marshmallow. Marshmallow is like the outcast some douche invited to the party and nobody else wants them to be there. Anyway, this post isn't about s'mores and how horrible they are, it's about how awful and terrible pretzels are and how polarizing an issue they can apparently be.

Listen, I'm the first to admit my hatred and disgust with pretzels is somewhat irrational and completely rooted in a traumatizing experince from when I was a child. The year: 1991, the place: New York City, Macy's Day Parade. I was visiting my aunt in New York and the Macy's Day Parade was in full-swing. The Spiderman float was passing by and boy was I hungry. Out of the corner of my eye I spied a soft-pretzel vendor. We go and purchase a salted pretzel with mustard. Even typing this I get a little queasy. I eat the whole thing and then proceed to hurl the entire rest of the day. Since that fateful day I have never again eaten a soft-pretzel. I'm just lucky it didn't ruin Spiderman for me too. Somewhere along the way regular pretzels got lumped in with soft-pretzels. I'll dabble with regular pretzels but I find nothing appealing about them whatsoever. Now to me, the craziest thing is how upset people get when I tell them I don't like pretzels. People take it like a personal slight against them. What's the big deal? I think pretzels suck and quite frankly I'm sick of living in a world where I'm ridiculed and ostracized for not liking pretzels. So fuck you pretzels and your never ending quest to ruin my life.

Monday, March 23, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Danger Thinks You Bake Pancakes


Hey, first off this was a great episode huh? Drama, intrigue, Unique being a huge bitch, this show had it all. Let's go in order. So, Danger thought you're supposed to bake pancakes. I mean, listen, I understand if you're not a good cook that's cool ladies some people just never learned. But I thought people were born with the knowledge of how to make a fucking pancake. I'll give you a hint in case you stumbled over to this magic machine and also somehow know how to read: YOU MAKE A PANCAKE IN A PAN. Still that doesn't really affect how I feel about Danger. She did what no one else had the balls or brains to do and that's call out horrible, horrible Unique.

It was a great idea to make these girls cook with kids in the kitchen. Let me tell you something about kids, yeah they're cute and can say really unintentionally funny things a lot of the time but holy shit kids are fucking annoying. Seeing how the girls handled that was an awesome idea. Cocktail actually shot up in my book mainly because of this challenge. Sure, she's still a spy but she showed she works well with kids and kids can usually spot a fraud. Probably a key factor as to why Unique decided to bail out of the kitchen to be the hostess and subsequently steal Danger and Feisty's charity tips. Have I mentioned how Unique is the worst? Anyways, the Blue team (which consisted of Chardonnay, Unique and Cocktail) won because Unique cheated and then the kids voted Cocktail the best which won her a one on one date. Nothing doing there except Cocktail made some strides and also ratted out Feisty as a "party girl."

Feisty turning out to be not just a fun party girl but a raging alcoholic was kind of a no brainer. I feel bad for Feisty because she's really a nice cute girl but I think she's a little too young to take this competition seriously? Did I just type that? Anyways it's probably good she went I don't know if I could take any more "reelly reelly's" to be honest. Now on to Unique...

Let's sum up Unique in Danger's own words, "She's evil, vindictive, she's fat, she smells funny and she's mean." Amen Danger, Amen. Hey Unique, next time you're trying to prove someone else is psychotic it's probably best to not yell and scream like a mental patient when trying to make said point. Her predicted breakdown came but somehow she survived it. I think Ray J saw enough to decide that she should eventually leave but he let her stick around a little longer. Danger read this girl like a book. She went up confronted her calmly and let Unique dig her own grave. Hook line and sinker. What scares the shit out of me is how Unique gets Danger to crack next week with her horribleness. If Unique gets Danger off this show I swear I will so write VH1 a stern letter expressing my displeasure. Power rankings:


Week 8 Power Rankings

1. Danger - The teaser showed some vulnerability. That's a good thing.

2. Cocktail - Hey, Cocktail despite being a huge spy kinda knows how to be a good person. It's too bad she uses that knowledge to narc on everyone else.

3. Chardonnay - I like Chardonnay a lot. She's been playing it cool but as long as she dances at least once an episode I think she deserves to stick around.

4. Unique - I have no words for her awfulness.



Profile of the Week


Danger




Strengths:

-Confident
-Interesting
-Socially Intelligent
-Artistic

Weaknesses:

-Potential homicidal tendencies

Breakdown:

Danger is easily the most interesting of the contestants. She's definitely insane, has a tattoo on her face and pretty much has been in control of the entire show since she slept with Ray J really early on. She's also by far the smartest girl in a social sense. Even though the teaser shows Danger cracking a little bit I think that will ultimately endear her even more to Ray J which in turn will lead to Unique's downfall. Fingers crossed.

Adorable of the Day



You're welcome.

Comment Of The Week


As HardPeaches gains in popularity (it's the 2nd biggest blog in my apartment!) I tend to get more and more comments on posts. Some from people I know and some from shadowy faced losers who refuse to identify themselves. This week has already gotten off to a great start with this gem being delivered to me early this morning. This comment is in regards to my Chelsea Handler post from last week:

"oh man...you seem like the kind of dude who wacks off alone twice a day."

Thanks for that Kemosabe. I'd like to point out that wacking off kind of implies I'm alone already. If I wasn't, I'm pretty sure that falls under a different category. Almost a solid burn there...so close.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I Love You Man: The Verdict


Astute readers may remember I posted the trailer for this movie back in January. Oh you don't remember? Try reading the blog more asshole, it won't kill you. Daddy's got bills to pay. Anyway, I saw this movie last night and it was good. Granted, I was really drunk the first 30-40 minutes or so but I don't think that will get in the way of me writing an awesome review. It's a a thoroughly entertaining movie and I feel confident in saying that. Paul Rudd and Jason Segel do a great job in this one and that's all I'll say about that. It's well paced and has an extremely solid cast. Also, Rashida Jones, bonerama on that one huh? Man if only someone had called attention to her supreme hotness and awesomness previously? Oh wait, someone did. This is definitely a re-watcher, maybe not in theaters, but definitley when it comes out on DVD. Purty good.

Official HardPeaches rating: 8.37/10

Dan Deacon

I actually stumbled on to this guy a long time ago, (pause) and thought he was hilarious. One of my friends tipped me off to this video where this guy is being recorded when he takes mushrooms (first clip) and pretty much says what you would expect from someone on mushrooms. I kept looking through his videos and realized it's from the same dude as the guy I had seen before (I actually think he recorded someone else on mushrooms but whatevs). I really don't know shit about Dan Deacon but I'm for him. I will let his work speak for itself.

Clip 1:



Clip 2:



Not my chair, not my problem is also being incorporated in to my daily lexicon.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Delocated


Once in a while a show comes around that you can immediately tell is something special. Shows like Arrested Development, 30 Rock and Wonder Showzen. It's fitting then that Jon Glaser a writer for Conan O'Brien and the creator of Wonder Showzen brings us the next truly awesome show on TV. "Delocated" is a show that incorporates the best of so many aspects of awesome television. It's a comedy Reality TV spoof that centers around a man and his family who are relocated to New York City after being placed in the witness protection program. Sounds basic enough. The absurdity and hilarity is revelaed in the pilot episode when it's divulged that the family has to wear ski-masks at all times and have voice modulators installed that lower their voices so they can't be detected when they're portrayed on their reality television series. "Delocated" doesn't have the shock value of Wonder Showzen but the sheer hilariousness of the main protaganists plights is unbelievable. Rather than continue with this pretty shitty recap of a really awesome show here are two clips from the episode entitled "Ska Mitzvah."



Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Patrick's Day...I Guess

I tried to abstain from posting any St. Patrick's day stuff because frankly I celebrate everyday like it's St. Patrick's day. You guys and gals just happen to be joining me today. So in honor of the holiday here's a Leprechaun smoking a bong.

This Is Truly Terrifying



What in the balls is going on here? Imagine walking in to find your wife/girlfriend/mistress using this thing. And who the hell is in charge of the music over at Rejuvenique? Yikes.

Monday, March 16, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Poor Cashmere


Awwww man. Too bad Cashmere left because she was making some serious moves this week. Calling out Cocktail was a great move but unfortunately she's too nice of a person to defend herself when the trio of Cocktail, Danger, and Chardonnay ganged up on her. Cocktail also got called out by Feisty (weak attempt) and she kind of defended herself. Not really. While the overt story line was clearly Cashmere stepping up and then stepping down, the subtle underlying subplot was Unique revealing herself to be the biggest bizatch in the house. Unique is a special breed of bitch. The type of girl who thinks she's hot shit but in reality isn't good at anything except shitty hating and cattiness. I'm really looking forward to her mental breakdown and subsequent ejection. What's bizzare to me is that she's still somehow under the impression that she's a good singer. Ugh, Unique you truly are the worst.

Oh and can we talk about how Ray J ordered pineapple kamikazes at a fancy dinner? C'mon man. Damn.

Week 7 Power Rankings

1. Danger - Baaaad bitch. I think she's got this one on lock.

2. Feisty - Such a cute girl, but I don't think she's cut out for this when all is said and done. Too naive and nice. Hell, she's just a party girl who's looking for a good time.

3. Chardonnay - She's gotta step it up because she's fading fast.

4. Cocktail - Well, the good news is she's been replaced by Unique as the worst person in the house.

5. Unique - Insufferable, praying she leaves next week.



Profile of the Week


Cashmere



Strengths:

-Nice
-Booty like whoa
-Genuine Person

Weaknesses:

-Real Person
-Too nice

Breakdown:

Cashmere was real cool, sadly that was her downfall. It's too bad she didn't take the champagne glass because she was a real nice girl. She's the type of girl who would make a great girlfriend and unfortunately that didn't help her in this competition. It's probably best that she left to be honest.

In 18 Years Some Team Other Than The Dolphins Needs To Sign This Kid



Fucking classic.

Record Set For Most Bad Puns In One News Segment



This is a news report from a model stampede that took place at the "America's Next Top Model" casting call here in New York. Oh to be on the street when the crazy stampede of models started. The shots of the high heels and head-shots are priceless. By the way, who the hell is yelling guns and bombs? Also, the "regular guy" collecting phone numbers and SSN, I totally know that guy. He's a bouncer that I've come across several times at events and just from going out. No word if he was just seizing the opportunity or actually working for the show. A lack of "model behavior" indeed.

*UPDATE*

Here's more video of the actual stampede. Awesome.

Chelsea Handler Is The Worst Person Ever


Osama who? Holy shit this bitch is annoying. Who the fuck are you to grill Ray J? Like he was actually looking for love on his show. Her questions aren't terrible but the way she asks them is insufferable. Why does she have to say shit like such a bitch? I've never watched Chelsea Lately but if this is her shtick I for the life of me cannot figure out how she has a TV show? "Heeeey, listen to me whine and act holier than thou when my whole career is based off of celebrity gossip and rumors." Shut the fuck up. She's also dating the guy who runs Comcast Entertainment Division which wait for it...wait for it...runs E!. I guess that explains how she got the TV show. Womp womp. The worst.

Here's a clip of her being a bitch to Ray J.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Ricky Gervais On Sesame Street



Sesame Street is great huh? Ricky Gervais is also pretty great. I'm gonna be honest here, that's all I got. Enjoy the clip.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Mr. T Falls In Love...

With the FlavorWave Turbo! I don't know who decided that Mr. T had a wonderful culinary mind but his refined palate clearly knows deliciousness. Oh how the mighty have fallen...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I Like Toitles And Toitles Like Shoes



Apparently this has been making the rounds on the series of tubes. Who am I to not post a video of a turtle trying in vain :( to have sex with a shoe.

Monday, March 9, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...This Is Bullshit


For some inexplicable reason there was no new "For The Love Of Ray J" this week. Ain't that a bitch. I figure I'll just put some new comments in the power rankings and do a new Featured Profile.

Week 5 (and 6) Power Rankings

1. Danger - Just a baaaad bitch. Don't fuck with her.

2. Cocktail - Riding high right now, we'll see where it goes.

3. Feisty - Is Feisty a dark horse? I'm not ready to say it, but I can feel it coming.

4. Chardonnay - Quiet..almost too quiet.

5. Cashmere - Are we sure she's on this show?

6. Unique - In my anger at the lack of a new Ray J I re-watched last weeks episode and I don't think it quite hit me how horrible Unique is. She's bad. Real bad.


Profile of the Week


Cocktail




Strengths:

-Crafty
-Amazing Body
-Pretty sure she's a stripper

Weaknesses:

-Derives maniacal pleasure from others failures
-Bitchy

Breakdown:

She's definitely a contender don't get me wrong, but I don't think she can outwit all of these other girls. Eventually she'll get caught in her own bullshit and collapse under the pressure of said exposure. I peg her for the top 3 but it's only a matter of time before she loses it.

Finally Tonight: Jesus Is Everywhere!



I heart the local news.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Mormon Pickup LInes



Oh those crazy Mormons. Is it just me or does the second guy have a little retard in him? Also, note to the guy who said he feels like Richard Gere because he's standing next to a pretty woman. The "pretty woman" in that movie was a prostitute. Might wanna rethink that one before you test it out in the field. And who does the guy at the end think he is? Too good for pickup lines? Get outta here buddy, and nice tie. I will say I'm totally using the, "I'm Clayton McDonald" line as I casually look up from my book.

Also did the person who picked "Secret Garden" as the music for this video even listen to the lyrics of that song. They might as well have went with Ludacris' "What's Your Fantasy."

Monday, March 2, 2009

For The Love Of Ray J Recap...Feisty Shows Up



Man, RIP Stacks huh? I understand her leaving to be with her pops, that's admirable and the girl probably realized it's more important to be with her father than stay in a competition that will so clearly be won by someone other than her. OK the highlights. Thank fucking God Lil' Hood got her skanky ass off the show. And can we talk about how Lil Hood tried to twist the shit up on Ray J saying that he was a "spoiled brat." While that may be true, c'mon stop questioning the moral values of Ray J, that's not what this show is about. At least she left with her dignity right? The end to the reverse reverse racism has finally come. She truly was the worst. In the up and comers corner we have Feisty and her awesome boobs, which she made known tonight are a force to be reckoned with. Her team threw her under the bus by making her box Lil Hood and then Unique unilaterally decided that she was a "lady" and didn't want to be "trashy" by fighting. So you send the little Latina out to do your dirty business? Poor form Unique, poor form. Unique has really been awful the past few weeks what with the shitty/forget the lyrics singing and now this weak sauce move. Feisty on the other hand showed some real chutzpah and seems like she will be around for a minute. It was a weird episode since two people left without a real elimination but we're now down to the final six. So here are the power rankings:

Week 5 Power Ranking

1. Danger - She's already slept with Ray J, and truly scared the shit out of me (and the other girls) when she put on boxing gloves.

2. Cocktail - As long as she plays the role of the spy she's going to ingratiate herself to Ray J. Smart girl but ultimately she'll be foiled by her lust for seeing others fail.

3. Feisty - Boobs and pity party were in her favor this week. All things considered a very strong showing.

4. Chardonnay - Lurking in the background but we know she can bring it.

5. Cashmere - Step it up hun, boring is a cardinal sin in this game.

6. Unique - She's gone. What the fuck was with the pussying out of the boxing shit? She can't sing and has exposed herself as a fame whore. In next weeks teaser Feisty claims she's a gold digger who's been on previous reality shows. Ruh oh.


Profile of the Week


Feisty



Strengths:

-Not Lil' Hood
-Hot
-Boobs

Weaknesses:

-Not So Smart
-Too nice

Breakdown:

The world runs because of girls like Feisty. Just a nice girl who aims to please. Amen honey, Amen.