Purty Good

8.33/10

I had pretty high hopes going into this and I must say my expectations were almost met. I say almost because there were some slow moments and most of the action stuff wasn't that great. However, James Franco was by far the best part of the movie. Heath Ledger my ass, Franco nailed this shit. He plays the lovable drug dealer role to the T. Seriously though, how well can I possibly review this movie? I was fucking lit. If you buy it for what it is you won't be disappointed. It's essentially a buddy chick flick if that makes any sense. I will say Superbad is probably my favorite of all the Apatow flicks to date so take that for what it's worth. But this is definitely up there. Incidentally, a friend who I saw this with absolutely hated it. He literally tried to tell me it was a 1/10 maybe 1 .5/10. Get the fuck out of town. He shall remain nameless so he's not ridiculed and scorned in public. You might not love this like I thought I would but you'll laugh. Overall I was satisfied when I left the theater.

Also, bonus story. When we got to the theater they had the wrong name on the theater we were going to. It said X-files instead of Pineapple Express. So that led to a scene of about 20 stoners trying to figure out where to go in the middle of the hallway. Have you ever been to a theater where they fuck up like that? In all my years of going to the movies I've never seen that. They were totally fucking with us.

Wine

I'm a big wine fan. I wasn't always that in to wine, but I really like it now. It's not like I want to have babies with wine or anything but I will enjoy a glass or two (or a bottle or two) every now and then. Maybe because it makes me feel just a little bit classier even if it's like a $10 bottle. I mainly drink white wine because I once had a really bad experience with some Big Bites from 7-11 and a few glasses of merlot (which was not classy). But the past few weeks I've had a lot of red wine and I can see myself getting back into it. In terms of knowing what I'm talking about or being able to appreciate the difference between wines I'm pretty much clueless. I do know that dudes who order wine at bars are douches of the highest order. Wine is cool but no need to show off slick.

Let's Chill On The Black Holes

So these are pictures of the Large Hadron Collider (from what I understand a gigantic particle accelerator that slams protons into each other...sexy right?) near Geneva, Switzerland. No I'm not going to delve into my cursory knowledge of Quantum Physics. I'm only bringing it up because apparently this thing can create micro blackholes, strangelets, vacuum bubbles, and magnetic monopoles. I don't know what most of those things are but that doesn't sound good. A bunch of scientists have raised concerns that this machine could destroy the universe or something much worse. A report from the BBC said there's a 1 in 50 million chance this could be a catastrophe. Those are better odds than winning Mega Millions. Listen, I love science and I'd also really like to know what the fuck Dark Matter is but is creating micro black holes really a good idea?

Olive Garden

So what does one think about while blasting Chromeo and trying to get the sound of a chainsaw out of their head? Well if that one is me it's fucking Olive Garden. I've never been to Olive Garden but I gotta say their commercials are very convincing. I love salad and I love pasta and apparently they have Strega Nona locked up somewhere in the back with her magic pasta bowl. I've talked to a few people who have been and they say it's alright. Frankly I don't think the place even exists. I don't think I've ever even seen an Olive Garden in real life.

WHAT IN THE SHIT!!!?

WHAT THE FUCK! Some douchebag asshole cunt motherfucker is in the basement of my apartment building with a fucking chainsaw and a fucking hammer. Just chainsawing away at 8:30 in the morning. Worst part? I buzzed the motherfucker in. I'm seriously pissed right now and I'm retaliating by blasting the shit out of this song which can be found below (sorry fellow apartment dwellers who can't hear the fucking chainsaw right below their fucking heads). I went to sleep at 4am to boot. FUCK!

Breaking News: Tiebreaker on Jeopardy Tournament of Champions Semifinal

Some woman and some dude just tied on Jeopardy forcing a tie break. The lady won even though the guy was way cooler. Alex let us know that there hasn't been a tie in a tournament game for over 20 years. I'll place witnessing this somewhere in between what I imagine seeing the Dolphins win the Superbowl would be like and seeing a commercial for a food/drink that you happen to be eating at the time of watching said commercial. Solid.

*Update*

An astute reader (guy with way too much time on his hands) has pointed out that Jeopardy is on summer hiatus and that this is from last November. Well chalk this one up to me being a doofus.

*Update to the Update*

So the guy who commented is this fellow, Andy Saunders, who I do not know. He's at least an 8.8 on the nerd scale. I think it's weird that Andy hit up a random blog just to correct my shit. I'm seriously thinking of putting Breaking News Jeopardy headlines in every so often just to fuck with him. Poll?

Wordplay of the Day

Courtesy of Weezy:

Safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex
'cause you don't want that late text,
that "I think I'm late" text

Popsicles

I used to have a serious addiction to popsicles. I still will dabble but they are a dangerous beast. I usually had the regular ones. You know orange, grape, cherry (boo) ones. I got them not only because they're great pretty much anytime of day but the Popsicle brand ones come with little jokes on them too. Sometimes the jokes were infuriating. For instance, "What's the wheels favorite song?" Give up? You should because the answer is so asinine and unsatisfying you're just gonna be mad if you try too hard to get it. The answer was, "Merrily We Roll Along." What the fuck? Is that even a real song? Actually it is, and I only know that because my smart ass friend googled it just to prove that he remembered it. He didn't. It's loosely based on "Good Night Ladies" but not it. It's some obscure weird song that a five year old kid (who the popsicles are intended for) is gonna have a 0% chance of knowing. I'm convinced there's some child labor camp making poor 3rd world country kids come up with these ridiculous jokes and all they have is out of date 1930's pamphlets. That's the only explanation as to why they would reference some stupid shit like "Merrily We Roll Along." Anyways, I realized I was having a problem with popsicles when I started getting the same jokes over and over and could consistently answer them all.

Q: What did the boy melon say to the girl melon?
A: We're too young we canteloupe.

Karaoke

I definitely fuck with some Karaoke. Some of my best nights out have been when I go to Karaoke bars. I'm a creature of habit so I tend to stick with my big guns whenever I'm picking songs. You know the basics, Stevie Wonder, "La Isla Bonita" maybe some Bob Marley a Bryan Adams song or two. The classics. Once in a while you have to push the envelope though. For instance, one New Years Eve in DC I decided it would be a good idea to get up there and sing Lionel Richie's, "Hello." Everyone loves this song whether they admit it or not. I'll give you some advice if you want to attempt this one. Make sure as many of your friends are watching when you get up there and butcher the fuck out of this song. Otherwise you run the high risk of looking like the saddest human being on the planet. This happened to me. Luckily I was shitfaced and didn't really notice but for someone else that could potentially be very embarrassing. I bring all this up because I'm debating whether to throw Seal's, "Kiss From A Rose" in the repertoire. Let's break it down:

Upside:

I can sing this in my sleep
Everyone secretly likes it
Dramatic hand and body gestures will definitely be involved

Downside:

Not an upbeat song (always dangerous a la "Hello")
Dramatic hand and body gestures will definitely be involved

So if you see me in the club, I'll be acting real nice. I ain't hear to hurt nobody but I will be singing some karaoke.

The Frugal Gourmet

I had a pretty awesome childhood. I was brought up with good food around all the time. I also got a heavy dose of quality PBS programming. Anyone else remember this guy? He was pretty sweet. The Frugal Gourmet was definitely up there in terms of my favorite cooking shows to watch when I was a kid. Julia Child, Yan Can Cook, and this guy. I was way too young to remember anything he did but he was entertaining and had a certain charm about him. Well, unfortunately he used that charm not only to prepare awesome culinary feats but also to sexually molest and abuse his male kitchen aids. Yeah, Jeff Smith, or the Frugal Gourmet was a total pedophile. That's sad. I guess he was a minister too so someone should have seen it coming (pun intended). Anyways pedophile aside this guy was still pretty cool. Kind of like the Michael Jackson of cooking. RIP Frugmeister.

Lost

Wait, just wait. Yes, I used to hate this show too. In fact I used to seriously look down at anyone who suggested I watch it. It's popular, it's trendy, people like it, basically all the reasons I wouldn't watch a show. But holy fuck in a church this show is amazing. Let's see, about two weeks ago I downloaded the first season and took her out for a spin. I gotta say I was hooked from the git. It's really just a well crafted extremely engaging program that does what it does and does it well. Long story short I marathoned 4 seasons of this show in two weeks. I have many reluctant friends who feel I've gone to the dark-side when I tell them to watch it. Let me give you a list of shows that I have watched in a marathon style. I'll stake my reputation on each and everyone of these programs:

1. The Wire
2. Arrested Development
3. The Larry Sanders Show
4. Mad Men
5. The Office
6. 30 Rock
7. Dexter
8. Weeds (haven't watched this season and I didn't like last season either)

None of those shows are bad. In fact, they're all pretty good. Give Lost a chance and I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

The Olympics

First of all what's going on with that logo guy? I don't know if using an image of a stick person having an epileptic seizure is the best way to make the Olympics seem appealing, but what do I know. Ah yes, the Olympics. Sporting events that no one really cares about played by people who we've never heard of.

Awesome.

 The summer Olympics in my opinion is the inferior of the two games. At least in the winter you get cool stuff like the luge and that one year John Candy got a bobsled team together. The summer games totally blow. And now thanks to all the 24 hour news networks we get more coverage than ever. So now if you want to watch handball or trampoline at 3:31 am you're covered. You might be thinking, "You're being too harsh. The Olympics aren't so awful." Well unfortunately if you think that you're an idiot. I defy anyone to find me 3 legitimately interesting sports. The thing is most of them are tolerable, but that's not a reason to watch a sport. Literally the only reason to tune in for this years' games is to see how China is gonna screw everything up. That country is pretty nuts. Look at this:

What the shit is that? Some fucked up cross between a troll doll and a teletubby is supposed to get me into the Olympics? Smooth moves China, you really won me over with that one. All that being said I'll probably end up watching synchronized swimming or archery for like 3 hours on a Saturday afternoon.

Pause/No Homo

By popular demand (one person counts as popular for this blog) I'm gonna broach the subject of "No Homo" and "Pause." This is fitting because I've actually been dropping this recently and getting a lot of blank stares and confused looks. Aight so, "No Homo" was coined by Cam'Ron (Killa!) a New York rapper. Since then tons of rappers have adopted it and basically made it a fixture in the lexicon of hip hop listeners and artists alike. So when does one use "No Homo?" It's easy. If you say something that can be interpreted as gay but you didn't really mean it like that you use "No Homo." For instance, "I love spotted dick and that guy's eating it all. I'm gonna have to go over there and bust his ass up." You would immediately have to say, "No Homo." This is less to identify that you are in fact not gay and more to acknowledge that you just said something that sounds really gay even though you in no way meant it to be that way. But please, use discretion. You can pretty much interpret anything as being gay if you have it on the brain (no homo). Innuendos are everywhere and if we point out every instance one is made we're never going to get anything done. However, this is a double edged sword. If you're too lax and you don't catch when you say something that clearly has a gay connotation don't worry, your friends can totally back you up (no homo). "Pause" is to be used when someone says something that everyone who's listening realizes sounded pretty gay but probably wasn't meant that way. A great example of how you should use pause can be found in this video:



Notice how Gus waits a few seconds just to see if Spike is gonna say "No Homo." When it's clear he's not going to (for good reason) Gus hits him with a "Pause." I'll leave you with Cam explaining the whole "No Homo" thing. Textbook. Basically, this concept can be taken too far very easily and you must use discretion. If you drop a "No Homo" after every questionable statement ironically people will begin to question your sexuality just for the fact you think everything is gay. So use it wisely and enjoy...a load on your face (no homo).

Cam explanation after the jump: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUxMuk-T0gk&feature=related