McCain

Did you hear? John McCain is attending the Presidential Debate tonight! What a noble move by him. I mean he didn't want to go because the economy is fucked up, that's cool. It's not as if the President would have to ever talk about or address the state of the economy. Also it's not even like he's running for president or anything...oh wait. He is? This dumb mutherfucker. Last time I checked if you're running for president you go to the fucking Presidential Debate. What does he want Obama to do sit up there and talk for two hours? Obama doesn't want to do that...actually, that's probably exactly what he wants to do. Thank you John McCain for being so ridiculously stupid that it entertains even the severly jaded such as myself.

Speed Racer

I saw this the other day. Surprisingly awesome. Actually, I think it's one of the best movies I've seen this year. Better than the Hulk, better than Iron Man. Better than anything else I might have forgotten that might be better. Speed Racer was a kids cartoon show but really this has nothing to do with that as far as I can tell. It's a pretty long film clocking in at about 2 hours. Visually it's amazing. Plot-wise it holds up as well. It's not a kids flick, you get a few curse words here and there and for about 95% of the movie I was thoroughly entertained. Can't ask for much more nowadays. Also a great performance by John Goodman as Pops. Good one.

HardPeaches official rating: 8.4/10

Solange Knowles - Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams

Album review time!

This album is a sleeper. Yeah, that's right, a sleeper. A juggernaut with ballerina shoes. We all remember kid sis right? You know, Beyonce's little sister? I'll say this, Solange ain't no Beyonce. In this particular case that's not a bad thing. Don't get me wrong I love my Destiny's Child and Beyonce as much as the next person. "Bills, Bills, Bills" is always in my rotation. Solange just chose to go a different way with it. I heard that she was going for that throwback Motown feel that's very popular nowadays a while ago. I was concerned. That's soul music. Was Beyonce's lil' sis gonna be able to pull that off? And that, ultimately, is the greatest thing about this album. At no time during the whole record do you feel like she's being forced to do something outside of her comfort zone. The fact that it works so effortlessly is really a great achievement and a testament to her as an artist. Solange really seems to have a deep respect for those who came before her and in no way is she striving to be Beyonce. My fav tracks have to be the previously mentioned "Sandcastle Disco" the super chilled out "ChampagneChroniKnightCap" which also features Lil' Wayne (is there anything he's not on?...the answer is no) and "Valentine's Day" which sounds exactly like a N.E.R.D song. Speaking of Pharrell and friends the Neptunes produced the entire album. There's a feather in your cap. If you're used to getting albums with just a few songs you like and then the rest is filler this is a suprising and awesome change of pace. Check it.

Official HardPeaches rating: 8/10

The Tyra Banks Show

This is hands down one of my favorite shows ever. Granted, I've only been watching it for a few weeks but my DVR is full of them. After a long hard day nothing helps me unwind more than watching me some Tyra. Now, at least 2/3 of you are thinking I've lost it. To you I say, watch the show. It is amazing. You see, Tyra has classic hot girl syndrome. Someone who is so ridiculously hot she gets away with being totally insane. It's understandable. Who is gonna tell Tyra she's acting a fool? No one, that's who. What makes the show so incredibly amazing is Tyra's impromptu outbursts. She has a repetoire of about 75 faces that she uses to perfection. She can also turn on the ghetto-talk like nobody's business. Plus she smiles with her eyes. Then there are the topics for the show. Just a few highlights I've seen. The "squashing" episode where 500+ lb women sit on men in some odd fetish that way too many dudes seemed to be into. The "growing-up gay in the hood" episode. The "real sex in the city" episode. The "fashionista to recessionista" episode. I mean I won't even try to do justice to these shows by re-capping them. The "Kardashians" episode was real special. Just to look at the audience members behind Tyra who had the most judgmental and hateful faces while looking at Khloe, Kim, and Kourtney. Priceless. Most people scoff when I tell them this show is good, then I make them watch it and I've yet to find a person who is not on board by the end of one episode. Oh and hell yeah I got tickets for October. It's gonna be awesome.

This Brightened My Day

Mad Men Update

As many of you are well aware the second season of Mad Men is underway. In fact, the eighth episode happened just this week. I'm gonna try not to give major plot-lines away, so this is going to be somewhat vague. I have to say, I was underwhelmed until about 3 episodes ago. A lot of the lightheartedness that I loved so much seemed to have disappeared for most of this season. I feel like that changed a little bit with the Jane episode but still, why so surious? I think Joan is my favorite character. Either her or Warren the fat guy who's just a loser but I feel bad for him. And shit, what's Double D gonna do now huh? See how I'm not giving anything away but if you saw it you know what I'm talking about. So in conclusion, I think this season of Mad Men is picking up and proving why it's one of the better shows on TV.

Gold Jerry, Gold

Thank me later. There's just so much going on in this video that it's hard to really analyze. Although guitar guy is in the early lead for most awesome. Although I do like fat guy who looks like he was forced to be there. And the lyrics are awesome. And the lead singer is wailing on the bass. I really have to give this video a solid 9.6/10.

Disney

First, a moment of silence for how ridiculously awesome Megan Fox's ass is...........OK. Megan Fox recently came out and said how much she hates Disney because they manufacture these teen stars and then basically tell them what to do and ruin their lives. I'll be the first one to say I absolutely agree that Disney is evil and fucked up and Walt Disney was a Nazi sympathizer and they've given us Miley Cyrus and they could be a vortex of evil that will suck us into a deep abyss of soullessness. Also they're the number one leading cause of run-on sentences. Still, I have a special place in my heart for Disney. Look at all the great things they've given us:

• Snow White
• Pinocchio
• Bambi
• The Jungle Book
• The Little Mermaid
• Aladdin
• The Lion King

I'm gonna be nice and just stop it there and those are just some of the animated gems. If you can't pick at least one of those movies and say it's brought you immeasurable amounts of joy you're a sick and twisted person. So while I'm torn with Megan Fox's correct statement and hot ass on the one side and awesome animated Disney movies on the other, I have to rule in Disney's favor. Sorry Megan.

Charlotte's Web

For some random reason after the Dolphins lost yesterday (shhhhh) the theme song to Charlotte's Web came into my head (which is extremely eerie and disturbing). Then I started thinking about how fucked up this book/movie actually is. One of my friends came over and we started discussing all the horrible life lessons "Charlotte's Web" instills in children. First off, they're gonna kill Wilbur. If not for Fern who saves him that runt was going down. Ok, so tragedy averted with Buttermilk Baths for all. Wilbur learns to do a few tricks and he's Zuckerman's famous pig, hooray! Towards the end it becomes apparent that Charlotte is going to die. I can still hear Wilbur's tormented pleas telling her, "You can't die Charlotte, you just can't!' She dies. Also, Fern, who saved Wilbur doesn't even give a shit about him anymore. She starts getting interested in boys. What kind of effed up message is that? When you're young and cute people will like you but when you get older you turn into a fat pig and whoever loved you leaves you? Jesus. E.B. White is a sick sick man. Templeton was still the fucking man/rat though, orgasbord orgasbord.

Pictionary

For those who know, the mere sight of that board should incite many emotions within you. Very solid candidate for best board game. Definitely in my top 5 ever. I like it because you don't necessarily have to be a great drawer (which I am not) to rule at this game. In fact being a really good drawer often gets you into trouble. You spend time drawing a great water buffalo that looks exactly like one would look and next thing you know, I'm over there with an an ocean and some scribbled ass chicken-wing kicking your ass. Don't get me wrong if you can draw well you're definitely golden but don't get too fancy there hotshot. You can always tell a savvy vet in this game because they bust out the sounds like. Sounds like is my shit, I will rhyme any word with any word. Another awesome thing about this game is how it's sometimes impossible to draw something. Quick, draw apathy. Yeah, good luck champ. This game is awesome.

Maury of the Day

These were some of my favorite Maury's. You'd have to try and figure out who was a man and who was a woman. Amazing premise that always works if you ask me.

"Man! Woman! Man! Man! Woman! Oh most definitely man at the end!"

America's Got Talent

This is another one of those topics where I feel like I might be in the knowing minority in terms of declaring its excellence. Much like you I ruled off this show from the start. David Hasselhoff is a doof and a half, Sharon Osbourne is annoying as any British woman has ever been and Piers Morgan is seemingly a poor man's Simon Cowell. Now if you're anything like me you love American Idol. I'm one of those people who every year swears that I'm only going to watch the beginning part of A.I. to see the morons act a fool. Inevitably I end up getting sucked in and watch the entire show from start to finish. What can I say I fucking love American Idol. So this show I figured was just a lame rip-off intended to capitalize on A.I.'s success. I was so wrong. Granted, I haven't been watching from the beginning but last night a friend and I caught every act. It's awesome. So freaking awesome. There was a dude who sang "Music of the Night" from Phantom of the Opera and killed it. There was an adorable little girl who sang, "Beauty and the Beast" and was probably the cutest little girl ever (we voted for her the maximum 10 times each.) There was even a weird Celtic/Country Jonas brothers/sisters group that really just made you feel good about yourself since you weren't them. Also there was a baton twirler guy who did fire stuff that really won me over. I'm not saying this show is even close to A.I. level but it does fill the gap between seasons so I recommend if you're not up to anything else on a Wednesday night check it out.

Don't Mess With The Lohan

We all love Lindsay right? Sure she's got peanut butter skin and will probably run you off the road for some yip but at heart she's just a classy girl who wants some muff. Samantha Ronson has really helped this girl no? The Ronson magic apparently doesn't just apply to endearing Amy Winehouse to the general public but it also seems to make trashy starlets palatable. I'm actually not sure how I feel about Lohan. Her mother is a fame starved beeatch, her sister is on the road to whore island, and her dad is 2 notches above a homeless person. I kind of feel for her. Her faux lesbianism is actually pretty cool. Hopefully she doesn't leave SamRo hanging. I'm sorry for just writing SamRo by the way. This was also clearly just an elaborate excuse to show Lindsay's tits.

Official Hard Peaches Rating: 7.4/10

Karma Breaks Tom Brady's Knee

I know I've been a little bit lax with the postings lately. Between moving, trying to find a job, and having no internet (arguably the most important factor) I've been pretty busy. Oh yeah and I've been on a week long bender which shows no signs of letting up. Regardless, on to much bigger and better news. Tom Brady. Yeah Tom Brady, yeah. Remember last season, right before the Superbowl when Brady laughed at Plaxico Burress for predicting a win? His smug butt-chin out in full force? Well I remember it. Since that point in time things have pretty much collapsed for Brady and the Pats. They lost the Superbowl (ahhahhahahahhaha!!!!!) and now the first game of the new season Brady is out for the year. Some might say it's just bad luck and you can't really blame a universal force of justice on the happenings, but I for one know better. You see my friends, there are football gods and they do not stand for brazen disregard of their rules and edicts. No one team (or man) can overcome their rulings and when they try they are promptly punished. So, hardy har har you Patriots fans. Oh and I'm sure Brady will be ready for next season because ACL injuries never have lasting effects...NOT!


Sidenote: I drafted him with my first pick in one of my fantasy leagues. I'm like 97% sure he got hurt just to fuck my team up.

Am I Gross For Wanting To Watch The Mini-Me Sex Tape?

Let's be clear. When a celebrity or anything close to a celebrity comes out with a sex-tape I watch it. Call it what you want, but I do it. It combines two things I enjoy thoroughly, celebrity gossip and porn. Just two of my many vices. So a few weeks ago it was revealed that Verne Troyer has a sex-tape with one of his ex-girlfriend(s). I clearly watched the preview that was released at the time. It was gross and weird and yeah I watched it more than once. Today comes news that the full tape is being sold on the internet. Obviously I'm not plunking down any money to see this monstrosity of a video but if I can find it for free I'm totally watching it. I can't even pinpoint exactly why I want to watch it but it's something deep inside my soul that needs to be satisfied. I'm not saying I'm going to get off to it (...) but I mean, I have to see this. His girl isn't even that cute either and he's barely even a celebrity but nevertheless I'm intrigued. In conclusion I'm a perv.

It's Official, Britney Is Hot Again

You may remember a few weeks ago I had a post up about how Britney was trying to get hot again. Well guess what? She did it. Against all odds she has returned to her pre-insanity form. I'm still kind of in awe. I mean, I said all along she could do it. She's just really sensitive and had a few bad breaks. Everyone can relate to that right? Not only that but she even won some VMA's (like that fucking means anything). "Piece of Me"me won for best female video. Personally, I stopped watching the VMA's like 10 years ago because I realized they sucked and they also had some weird drill music that year that made my head hurt, but still, good for her. So congratulations Britney, boners for everyone!

Holy Fucking Shit It's Football!!!

I'm not gonna lie whenever I see that logo I get half a boner. YES!! Football starts tonight with the Washington Redskins taking on the defending Superbowl champions the New York Giants. Should be a pretty good game. I like the Giants by 10. I'm so fucking excited it's ridiculous. Beers are in the fridge and I'm ready to go. Of course, real real football doesn't start until Sunday since that's when the Dolphins kick off against the losertastic Jets but it's still football tonight. Fuck yeah!

The RNC

I mean...what the hell is up with these guys? It's like a freaking cartoon. I think the Democrats suck too but I mean is it even up for debate that the Republicans are playing the role of the most sinister and evil organization ever? And Sarah Palin. Sarah fucking Palin. Has there ever been a more boneheaded or transparent VP choice ever in the history of veeps? I know everyone has heard about all the scandals at this point but let's do a quick recap:

- Hid pregnacy of Down Syndrome baby
- Fired her sisters' ex-husband from the police force because they had issues
- Her daughter Bristol (really?) is 7 months knocked up and unmarried
- Fiscally mismanaged Alaksa (presumably her strong point)

Duuuude. C'mon. I mean what's the deal here? She reminds me of the bitchy woman in charge of the PTA meetings. Some lady who thinks she's running some serious shit but in reality she's just a doofus in over her head. It's not even her fault really, it's just a horrible choice by McCain who is arguably running the worst campaign ever. Well except when Grover Cleveland ran on the "Baby's Are Overrated" platform. That in retrospect wasn't so smart. So here we have Barack Obama running a smooth stealthy campaign of suave excellence and the Republicans are just floundering. I actually saw today what they were up in arms about. Obama called Palin's town "Wasilly" instead of "Wasilla." What an asshole right? The super scary thing is is that they're still gonna be in it come November. You see, if you give the masses a choice between two similar options they get confused. This is why they put forth diametric opposites. You have to polarize the people to make them care. That's how this country works I guess, probably the world too. If everything were homogenized people wouldn't know what to do. So yeah, the Republicans are redonk.

Sidenote: How hot is Sarah Palin? I'm going 6.2/10. Just not into the whole housewife/sexy librarian look. Although that picture is fantastic. Poll.