Ricky Gervais

Ricky Gervais is a funny dude. He's got a cackling laugh that is also infectious. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you how I knew about him before everyone else in The States (annoying when people from the U.S. say "The States" isn't it?) because I probably didn't. I watched the British Office which was good and I also was a very big "Extras" fan. What has me bringing him up now though is his podcast. I just started listening to it a few days ago and I can safely say I'm hooked forever. The show consists of him, Steve Merchant and their producer Karl. A brief synopsis of the show; I have no idea how to use semi-colons so I'm going to assume that was correct, and now I've gone and fucked it up. Karl is potentially the stupidest man on the planet. It's not an act, it's actually how he's wired. So Ricky and Steve basically rag on him for 30-40 minutes per episode. It is absoutely priceless. Do yourself a mothefucking favor and get every podcast you can find, I give you my 1o0% seal of approval that you will not be dissapointed.

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama is kinda hot huh? Badonkadonk! Who knew. If you missed it she was the headline speaker at the opening of the DNC. She gave a helluva speech and looked good doing it. Granted, she came out to a Stevie Wonder song and was also played off to one so she could have said anything and I would have liked her, but she was pretty awesome. Well done Barack, well done.

Speech:



Here's what she came out to. Classic.

Olympics Recap

Awwww, it's over? I guess we'll just have to find some actual sports to watch now. In case you missed them here are some highlights from the Beijing Olympic games:

• Michael Phelps is better than you (8 golds in 8 events)
• China cheats with little girls in gymnastics
• If you get disqualified in Tae-kwan-do it is perfectly reasonable to kick the ref in the head
• Usain Bolt isn't not fast
• If they're showing any athletic event at 3:30 in the morning and I'm up, I will watch it
• United States is the best, excluding cheaters
• 90% of the Olympics should not be broadcast
• The opening ceremonies were cool but too long
• Ditto for the closing ceremonies
• China is going to take over the world within 75 years

All in all I'd give this Olympics a 6.2/10. If the world still exists in 2012, London it'll be your turn to bore the fuck out of everyone.

Lord of the Rings

I watched like 5 hours of the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy tonight. When you're completely incapacitated these movies really hit the spot. Here's a funny video in honor of me being a huge nerd:

Joe Biden/TXT Message

Yay, it's Joe Biden! Oh wait, I didn't mean yay, I meant who gives a fuck. I'm probably being too harsh. I guess this is a good pick. The thinking being that Biden can help carry Pennsylvania, a key swing-state, since he's from Delaware which is close to Pennsylvania? Whatever. He's also supposed to fulfill the role of attack dog and brings experience (which Obama lacks) to the ticket. I actually kind of liked him in the primary debates too. However, that's really not why I'm bringing this up. More to the point, what kind of stupid shit is the text messaging of Obama's choice for VP? That is the dorkiest thing I've ever heard of. At first I just thought it was stupid but then I really got behind the idea. It's like a douchebag alert, much like a Ron Paul bumper sticker. If someone texted you or called you or let you know otherwise that they got the text letting them know who Obama picked you can immediately rule that person off as a douche. Seriously, you can't wait 12 hours to find out who it is? I love text messaging too. That's not the issue, I just think it's another transparent effort to capitilaze on Obama fever. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I like Obama. I want him to win. However, he's not the messiah, he's a politician. Maybe I'm jaded, maybe I'm an asshole, maybe I'm just a hater but for the love of Xenu can we get off our collective knees for a second and just look at the guy with zealotless eyes? I think he's going to be a good to very good president, but annointing politicians as saviors is never the way to go. So yeah I think the text messaging was stupid and I guess it's cool Biden is the VP candidate.

Local News

Ah, the local news. What a curious beast. The local news for all intents and purposes is pretty fucking useless. They just tell you about every murder, car accident, maiming, or any general horrible thing that has happened in your community or the world at large. Then they throw in a story about a cat who wears mittens and likes marmalade. I like the local news because I think that the anchors in real life despise the shit out of each other. Some genuine "whore island" stuff. Either that or they turn to alcohol and drugs as soon as they're off the set. The anchors fascinate me but so do the on-the-beat reporters. Do they always talk like that? Speaking of which I love this video:



"Country ass fucked up town!" I just feel like being a part of the local news is quite the scene man. Here's my favorite news anchor of all time (who I heard used to be a coke-head) Jim Vance laughing at a model who fell down:

Zoobilee Zoo

Holy shit! An off-hand remark suddenly flooded my memory banks with this gem of a show. I honestly used to watch this every day when I was a kid. I think this show has shaped who I am as a person and how I relate to the world in a pretty significant way. Hell, my first human crush was Whazzat.

She was hot. She was also a kangaroo. I say first "human" crush because before that I think my only crushes to date had been Ariel from The Little Mermaid and The Rose from The Little Prince. Plus, Whazzat isn't even really a human she's a kangaroo...I guess that's a little weird (no beasty). The Lion, Vincent Van Go was pretty cool too. Talkatoo Cockatoo was a real bitch though. Always nagging, we get it Talkatoo you like to talk, give it a rest babe. Bravo Fox also has one of the most ridiculous accents ever. Wonderful. I love this stuff! Theme:



Bravo at his best:



Whazzat!:

Bubbles

When I was much younger I was all about bubbles. I remember playing in my backyard and just totally losing my shit whenever bubbles were around. I had the regular bubbles, the big huge bubbles that you could put around people, you name the bubble technology, I had it. I'm cleaning out my current apartment and I stumbled upon some bubbles that I apparently bought a while ago. I probably bought them because they were on sale and it's hard for me to resist a good sale. That explains why I have crayons and coloring books here too. I always felt bad for people who couldn't blow good bubbles. You know the people, you might even be one of them, who always blew too hard and the soapy water would just spray through the plastic hole. Just blow softer it's not complicated. Bubbles bitches.

Craigslist

Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist. Everybody loves Craigslist right? I mean, where else can you sell a futon to a stranger, get a job whoring out your talents and have a casual encounter with a large Italian man with a 2 foot penis all on one convenient site? Nowhere, that's where. At various stages of my life I have explored different areas of Craigslist. I've sold a ton of stuff on Craigslist, it'usually a little weird. I've met some interesting characters but generally everything gets sold and it's pretty awesome. I've even gotten some sweet tutoring gigs through Craigslist. Perhaps the most disturbing (or alluring depending on who you are) part of Craigslist is the casual encounters section. Back in the day one of my friends would constantly send me links to posts for casual encounters. I'll admit I've dabbled looking around the W4W section looking at all the hot lezzers, but my friend would send me links to dudes with huge gross penises. Yes that means he had to go look at tons of penises then choose the best (or worst) ones to send me. So I guess what I'm saying is if you love huge cocks check out Craigslist?

Battle Royale: Draper v. Moody

As promised here is the battle royale for best male character in a television drama. In the suit corner standing 5'11" weighing in at 188 lbs Don Draper. In the self-loathing artist corner standing 6' 0½" at 187 lbs Hank Moody. I made the weights up. So I thought this was going to be a tough one but it actually wasn't.

Don Draper:

Clearly a bad-ass. He basically is Sterling-Cooper. He's the best at what he does and it shows. He has a bravado about him that is unmistakable. If I had to sum him up it would be all business all the time. Even in his extra-marital relationships it's a very businesslike approach. Hell even when he smoked weed he was business-like. Draper is the quintessential Alpha Male who doesn't take shit from anyone and can seriously dish it out. What makes him so compelling however is also his greatest flaw. The amount of stress he places on himself is insane. Between his long lost step-brother, his affairs and work, he's slowly destroying himself. As we learn more about him it's becoming apparent that something has gotta give. It's the constant lying (to himself and to others) that ultimately hurts him.

Hank Moody:

Now see, this is a human being. He knows his flaws and owns them. While he seriously hates himself at times he definitely does not lie to himself. He knows what he wants. Whether he can get it is a completely different story. In addition, he's an extremely talented writer which is a huge bonus. Not to mention he's hilarious. What makes him so enjoyable is that he's true to who he is at all times. He doesn't pretend to be something he's not. Ultimately, I believe this is why he gets so much ass. While who he is may be a totally fucked up individual, he's not pretending.

So to go a little more in depth. Let's look at the similarities between the two. They both smoke like chimneys, they both drink, and they both bang a ton of women. So those are the washes. Where I think Moody gains the edge is his vulnerability. It's easier to sympathize with him than it is Draper. I mean I guess if you're a powerful business executive and that's how you roll than that might not be the case. Humor is also in Moody's favor, plus he has the cooler child. See, Draper drinks as a way of life, Moody drinks to cope. Something about self-medicating artists is very appealing.

I could probably go on and on and examine the minutia of their daily lives but I think I've made my point. In case you haven't been able to tell Moody wins in the 8th round with a KO.

So I'll leave it up to you general public, who's better Moody or Draper? Poll.

Jonas Brothers

I guess I'm out of the loop. I had never even heard of the Jonas Brothers until about 2 weeks ago. Apparently they are very popular. Don't worry I'm not gonna say that they're really talented and make decent music even though they're a completely contrived douchetastic group. Nope, they definitely suck balls. What's crazy though is how they seem to be all over the place. I was talking to my Grandma the other day and she mentioned the Jonas Brothers. How are they reaching that many people? Anyways, the Jonas brothers suck and I hope they all get fat and impotent. Especially that dorky one on the right. Fucking yellow shoes? Who do you think you are?

Fox Scream

The other night I was trying to go to sleep at home in MD. Big place to myself, real nice, king of the castle so on and so forth. So it's gotta be like 3am and all of a sudden I hear what sounds like an enraged baby on amphetamines screaming. Easily one of the most disconcerting sounds I've ever heard in my entire life. So I go to investigate and it's just a stupid fox screaming up a storm. If you've ever heard a fox scream you know exactly what I'm talking about. Terrifying. Pointless post? Absolutely.

DOLPHINS WIN! DOLPHINS WIN!

Oh wait, what? It's only preseason and the games don't count? Fucking bullshit. Hold on let me mentally prepare myself for the reality that I'm posting about a preseason game...Ok, we're good. The Miami Dolphins beat the Jacksonville Jaguars last night 19-14 in the most thrilling preseason game ever played in the history of the world. Well not really but they did win. Chad Pennington looked solid going 5/6 for 55 yards. Ricky Williams was the star of the night rushing 10 times for 43 yards and a TD. God, Ricky is so good. I can't wait until he does a yoga backflip over a DB this year. Chad Henne also was solid going 17/26 for 133 yards. Rookie Dan Carpenter continues to impress hitting 4 field goals in 4 attempts with a 46 and a 44 yarder in there. What a beast. Does this mean the Dolphins are going to be good this year? No. But maybe they won't be horrible. One can only hope. Look at Tony Sparano praising the heavens.

Ultimate Warrior Is Normal

Some legendary quotes in this one.

Inigo Montoya/Fencing

Remember when I said that they should never show Fencing on TV? I retract that, but I will add a caveat. Before lunging towards someone with your epee, you must yell, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Until this rule is implemented I will not be watching fencing. So take that Olympics!

Hyphens

When I started this blog I stated that I had one main grammatical flaw. That would be the overuse of commas. However, it has come to my attention (because at least 5 people have pointed it out) that I totally suck at using hyphens. Listen, give me a break here. I put my pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of you. Sure sometime I may put my underwear on backwards and won't notice it until 6pm, but whatever. So gimme an effing break with the hyphens. --------

Marisa Tomei I Love You

I've had a crush on Marisa Tomei ever since I first saw "My Cousin Vinny." She's never let me down in any movie I've seen her in since. Oh by the way, she's 43 now and still getting it done. Apparently she's in some new movie called "The Wrestler." Cool. Just an excuse for me to pledge my undying love for her yet again.

Olympics Update

Well, I haven't watched a ton of the Olympics because I still maintain that they're freaking boring but I have watched some. A few observations:

• What's going on with the swimmers? Why is everyone crushing world records by like 2 seconds? A few people told me it was because of these new suits but sometimes the guys just where the trunks so is everyone just taking drugs? Something is up.
• By far the best sport to watch so far has been women's team volleyball. Surprisingly it beats beach volleyball which is counter-intuitive because they wear less clothing at the beach.
• Rowing, bicycling and fencing should never be shown on TV...ever.
• France got owned by the United States in that swimming relay. When will the frenchies learn? Stick to making cheese and wine and using too much cologne.
• Craziest story so far has been what has been going on with French swimmer Laure Manaudou. Last Olympics she won the 400M and was on top of the world. She started dating fellow swimmer, Italian, Luca Martin. So everything is going swimmingly (sorry). Things change and the two break up after some time. Well Martin picks things up with another swimmer, Italian, Federica Pellegrini. Not so bad, things happen. Then they release naked pictures of Manaudou on the internet. Alright...shake it off baby. Fast forward to these Olympics where Manaudou is competing against Pellegrini in the 400M Free. Well Pelligrini goes on to smash Manaudou's World Record and gets gold. Manaudou finishes dead last. Do we have this girl on suicide watch? I mean I can't imagine things getting any worse for her. Hang in there Laure.
• And of course, Michael Phelps is killing it with 5 gold medals in 5 events.
  

Jay Feely Can Suck a D

Perhaps the greatest off-season move the Dolphins have made this season is cutting the bitchtastic player known as Jay Feely. Feely was fucking awful. Sure he knocks in every field goal that's under 38 yards but the dude can't hit shit past there and was by far the worst kick-off man I have ever seen in my entire life. Not only was he a shitty player he was a loudmouth. A boisterous, blabbermouth kicker who sucked. Something told me that wasn't gonna fly under Bill Parcells' reign. So when rookie Dan Carpenter beat this fool out for the starting kicking job Jay Feely got sad and did what he does best, talked out of his ass. Says Feely of his outspoken personality (which by the way is just a polite way of saying he's a douche),

''I don't know that [personality] had any impact on the decision,'' Feely said. ``But it had an impact on their aloofness toward me from the beginning. Each coach talked to me about that, and I was willing. I stopped doing all interviews and stopped doing ESPN, maybe to the detriment of my own post-career."

Oh shut the fuck up you weiner. Aloofness? Get the fuck out of here. Post-career? Who do you think you are? Jay Feely is a loser has always been a loser and will continue to be a loser. Ask any fan of the teams he's played for. I'm sure Falcons and Giants fans are just jumping up to defend this waste of space. So happy trails Jay Feely best of luck sucking it up in the future.

Yeah This is Normal

CINCINNATI - An Ohio man who says he doesn't trust paper money has delivered enough coins to cover half the price of a brand new pickup truck.

Employees at a dealership in the Cincinnati suburb of Springdale say 70-year-old James Jones plunked down 16 coffee cans full of coins Tuesday for a new Chevrolet Silverado.

Salesman David Crisswell says employees spent 90 minutes counting the collection of dimes, quarters, half-dollars and dollar coins, which covered half the $16,000 price of the pickup.

Jones and his wife, Betty, wrote a check for the other half of the cost.

Jones' son says his dad has always preferred to pay with coins. Dennis Jones says he's most amazed that his penny-pinching father decided to replace his 1981 pickup, which struck his father when its parking brake failed last year, putting him in a hospital.

Uh yeah...So is this guy just a huge dick or just super super insane. I mean you can't go to the bank and deposit the coins and then just write a $16,000 check? Betty must be a saint, because this dude definitely has a few screws loose.

Tropic Thunder

So what's the verdict on this? Well by verdict I mean, without having seen it does it look like it's going to be a good movie? Personally, I've gone back and forth on this one. When I first saw the preview I thought it looked pretty funny. Then I saw it a few more times and thought it seemed tedious and that it would be more of the same old shit. So I'm not really sure right now. I doubt I'll actually see it in theaters, but if enough people are telling me it's legit I'll definitely go check it out. In conclusion, I think it's safe to say this was the most inane and useless post to date.

Bacon

Nice job people. In my Andy Saunders poll the majority of the votes went to bacon. So bacon it shall be. Whatever that means.

Blowpops

When I quit smoking most recently (ugh) I turned to these delicious treats. It satisfied the oral fixation (no homo) and tasted delicious. Everyone has their own preference on flavor when it comes to Blowpops but I'm here to give you the undeniable rankings. From best to least:

1) Sour Apple
2) Watermelon
3) Strawberry
4) Grape
5) Cherry

That's it, anything else is wrong. Also, how weird is it that Charms hasn't come out with any new flavors in like 100 years. I remember a weird berry type one but I haven't seen that since I was in summer camp. Can we get some Blowpop innovation up in this piece? In addition if you're one of those people who thinks that Tootsie Pops are better than Blowpops, just end it all now. Seriously, you're fucking up the gene pool.

What the Hell is Michael Phelps Listening To?

So Michael Phelps has been killing it in case you haven't been watching. He already has three gold medals in three events. World records in each no less. Yeah, I guess it could be his awesome athletic ability and immaculate training that's allowing him to crush his competitors, but I think we all know it's the music that's really getting it done. Every time I see him away from the pool he's got his earbuds in. So my question is, what the hell is he listening to? I like to think it's Sarah McLachlan's, "Angel" on repeat. I guess that would be creepy, but I mean you can't argue with the results. Poll Time.

An aside, you know how all the swimmers do that dolphin kick when they go off the wall? I mean that's one of the cooler things about swimming right? How about if there were actual dolphin races that were set up in some kind of elaborate Indy car type of underwater course. Yeah that's right, dolphin races. I really think that would be popular. I'm sure there's got to be some way this can be done, it's not cruel to dolphins they already keep them in confined spaces for dolphin shows. Anyways in the future I'm gonna go ahead and guarantee that there will be dolphin races. People will be going to the AquaDome (I'm trademarking that bitch) in their shiny silver unitards to place bets on the dolphin races. Book it.

Mindfuck

I cannot express how much this fucks with me. Subway and Scrabble. First off, as many of you know I absolutely love Scrabble, definitely in my top 3 boardgames. Secondly, I fucking hate the shit out of Subway. I hate everything about Subway to be quite honest. Jared, their weak-sauce bread, their gross disgusting meats, fuck Subway. I don't think I've set foot in a Subway in at least five years. So what do they do? They take something I love, absorb it, and create some type of devil contest. Now, I'm not a huge McDonalds fan by any stretch of the imagination but whenever they run that Monopoly promotion you best believe I'm in there getting some gross McDonalds food. So I mean, I don't really know what to do. I can continue on like this never even happened or I can just bite the bullet and go to fucking Subway.

P.S. I mean one in two wins. Those are pretty awesome odds. I believe that's roughly a 50% chance of winning.

Why George Bush Is Awesome

Don't hate. You guys are gonna miss this when we have stoic Barack Obama being a killjoy.

Sonamabitch!

Sadly, Bernie Mac passed away today at the age of 50. I wasn't a huge fan but he did make me laugh on more than one occasion. I watched his show a few times and it was always pretty good. Nessa! Anyways, RIP Bernie.

Things You'll Learn: I'm Shallow

Yeah yeah art and music and culture that's cool that's cool. You know what else is cool? Kim Kardashian. I mean sure she's just a dark-skinned clone of Paris Hilton, sex-tape and all, and sure she could potentially be the end of civilization as we know it. She's even fucking Reggie Bush (loser central) and just generally seems to be a horrible person. But there's something about her that I just can't put my finger in, on, on, I meant on! Hmmmm, what could it be? Oh yeah, maybe it's her ridiculously awesome ass. Yup that's it. So here fellas (and ladies) for your viewing pleasure I present at the top of many persons hate-fuck lists, Kim Kardashian.

Comedian of the Day

I'm a simple man. I enjoy good food, a good laugh, music and some serious S&M action in the bedroom. Well Dangerfield satisfies at least one of those things. Rodney, I for one am giving you respect. Unfortunately you're dead and can't see it but even if you were alive the chances of you reading this would have probably been pretty slim. Moving on. His performance in "Caddyshack" is quite obviously legendary and I'm also a sucker for 'Back To School" and "Meet Wally Sparks." Also a notorious weed smoker even in old age this guy really seemed to have it figured out. R.I.P Rodney.

Did You See That Last Night?

No not that Chinese guy running around the ceiling with fire in his hands. The big news, some actual news. Of course I'm talking about the Dolphins signing Chad Pennington. Sure I used to hate old noodle arm but due to hard times, severe delusion or just a hard dose of reality I'm actually pretty happy about this. I mean, he's probably going to start. McCown is poop central, Beck isn't ready, and neither is Henne. I can't imagine he'll ever get the ball to Ginn downfield but whatever. Welcome to Miami Chad!

Californication

I'm kind of glad it took me so long to start watching this show. It gave me a chance to really appreciate a quality fucking program. David Duchovny plays Hank Moody a self-loathing extremely talented writer who literally fucks anything with tits. Oh and trust me there are plenty of tits in the show (yezzir!). What's especially great about this series is despite massive amounts of gratuitous sex, the story is equally as compelling. Like I said, it revolves around Hank Moody and the people in his life. His ex-partner Karen, their daughter Becca, his agent Charlie, Karen's soon to be husband Bill and his daughter Mia. There was probably a more elegant way to present those characters but fuck it. Hank Moody (right now at least) beats out Don Draper (Mad Men) for greatest main character in any show ever (in depth battle royale to be posted at a later date). I breezed through the first season and luckily a new one is starting this fall. Each episode is only a half an hour which is great for spur of the moment watchings. David Duchovny absolutely kills it and some of the one-liners and little quips are absolutely priceless. Again I give this show my sea-lion of approval. Check it.

Sunglasses

I really love sunglasses. No, no, I reaaaally love them. So when I lost my Oakley's that I had had for 10 years last month I was pretty pretty bummed. Here's the thing, I've been wearing sunglasses for so long and so consistently that it now basically looks like I'm wearing eyeshadow all the time. Just because no light ever hits my eyelids. I've actually had girls ask me if I'm wearing eye shadow before. That's always a little weird. So being sunglassesless (that is a word) is a huge problem. I'm basically like 3 steps away from being a mole person. I was in New York last week and they have all these sunglasses stands that sell them for like $5. Of course I hop on the train. So I get a slick new pair of shades and order is restored to my life. A few days ago it was pointed out to me that there might be something a little "off" with my new sunglasses. Yeah, that's right, I've been wearing ladies sunglasses for about a week and a half now. Like proudly strutting around town almost begging people to check them out. So I have to get some new sunglasses. Until then I'll probably still rock the ladies ones though.

Weather Bloopers

I love bloopers of all kinds. Well actually I don't like sports bloopers. They're never funny and are always accompanied by dorky sounds like, "Booiiiing." But that's beside the point. I mean anyone who has hung out with me when I have control over the remote knows I will without fail stop on America's Funniest Home Videos or Baby Bloopers anytime I see them which often leads to groans and vain attempts to wrestle the remote from my clutches. I'm really a sucker for Weather People bloopers though. Maybe because meteorologist is my safety job. I mean in what other profession can you be wrong like 70% of the time and still be doing an acceptable job? Oh right, President (1st political zinger hey-oooo). Anyways here's an awesome sampling of some of my favorite weather related bloopers. Enjoy!



Was that the greatest on camera collapse of all time?



I'd make fun of him but I would totally do the same thing. Maybe minus the voice but not the scream and freak out.



This man is my hero. "Exposed flesh could freeze!"



That first girl is adorable.

Yeah Brett Favre!!!

I cannot express how happy I am right now. Brett Favre has been traded to the New York Jets for a conditional 1st round pick. WTF!? Hahahahaha, that was maniacal laughter because this is the greatest news the Dolphins have received in like 4 years. He just gave our DB's six extra interceptions this season which will undoubtably boost their confidence for the 2010 season. Yeah I know it's sad I'm already looking two seasons ahead but what do you want? Brett Favre has squandered what little good will he had with the public with this whole retiring un-retiring mess. I throw up a little in my mouth whenever I hear his name mentioned. Hell, I've avoided Sportscenter for 3 months just so I don't have to see his hypocritical mug every 5 seconds. To see him and a classless team like the Jets fail this season will be legendary. Here's Dan Marino (a true legend who didn't tarnish his career by fucking over his team) with some scrub:

Purty Good

8.33/10

I had pretty high hopes going into this and I must say my expectations were almost met. I say almost because there were some slow moments and most of the action stuff wasn't that great. However, James Franco was by far the best part of the movie. Heath Ledger my ass, Franco nailed this shit. He plays the lovable drug dealer role to the T. Seriously though, how well can I possibly review this movie? I was fucking lit. If you buy it for what it is you won't be disappointed. It's essentially a buddy chick flick if that makes any sense. I will say Superbad is probably my favorite of all the Apatow flicks to date so take that for what it's worth. But this is definitely up there. Incidentally, a friend who I saw this with absolutely hated it. He literally tried to tell me it was a 1/10 maybe 1 .5/10. Get the fuck out of town. He shall remain nameless so he's not ridiculed and scorned in public. You might not love this like I thought I would but you'll laugh. Overall I was satisfied when I left the theater.

Also, bonus story. When we got to the theater they had the wrong name on the theater we were going to. It said X-files instead of Pineapple Express. So that led to a scene of about 20 stoners trying to figure out where to go in the middle of the hallway. Have you ever been to a theater where they fuck up like that? In all my years of going to the movies I've never seen that. They were totally fucking with us.

Wine

I'm a big wine fan. I wasn't always that in to wine, but I really like it now. It's not like I want to have babies with wine or anything but I will enjoy a glass or two (or a bottle or two) every now and then. Maybe because it makes me feel just a little bit classier even if it's like a $10 bottle. I mainly drink white wine because I once had a really bad experience with some Big Bites from 7-11 and a few glasses of merlot (which was not classy). But the past few weeks I've had a lot of red wine and I can see myself getting back into it. In terms of knowing what I'm talking about or being able to appreciate the difference between wines I'm pretty much clueless. I do know that dudes who order wine at bars are douches of the highest order. Wine is cool but no need to show off slick.

Let's Chill On The Black Holes

So these are pictures of the Large Hadron Collider (from what I understand a gigantic particle accelerator that slams protons into each other...sexy right?) near Geneva, Switzerland. No I'm not going to delve into my cursory knowledge of Quantum Physics. I'm only bringing it up because apparently this thing can create micro blackholes, strangelets, vacuum bubbles, and magnetic monopoles. I don't know what most of those things are but that doesn't sound good. A bunch of scientists have raised concerns that this machine could destroy the universe or something much worse. A report from the BBC said there's a 1 in 50 million chance this could be a catastrophe. Those are better odds than winning Mega Millions. Listen, I love science and I'd also really like to know what the fuck Dark Matter is but is creating micro black holes really a good idea?

Olive Garden

So what does one think about while blasting Chromeo and trying to get the sound of a chainsaw out of their head? Well if that one is me it's fucking Olive Garden. I've never been to Olive Garden but I gotta say their commercials are very convincing. I love salad and I love pasta and apparently they have Strega Nona locked up somewhere in the back with her magic pasta bowl. I've talked to a few people who have been and they say it's alright. Frankly I don't think the place even exists. I don't think I've ever even seen an Olive Garden in real life.

WHAT IN THE SHIT!!!?

WHAT THE FUCK! Some douchebag asshole cunt motherfucker is in the basement of my apartment building with a fucking chainsaw and a fucking hammer. Just chainsawing away at 8:30 in the morning. Worst part? I buzzed the motherfucker in. I'm seriously pissed right now and I'm retaliating by blasting the shit out of this song which can be found below (sorry fellow apartment dwellers who can't hear the fucking chainsaw right below their fucking heads). I went to sleep at 4am to boot. FUCK!

Breaking News: Tiebreaker on Jeopardy Tournament of Champions Semifinal

Some woman and some dude just tied on Jeopardy forcing a tie break. The lady won even though the guy was way cooler. Alex let us know that there hasn't been a tie in a tournament game for over 20 years. I'll place witnessing this somewhere in between what I imagine seeing the Dolphins win the Superbowl would be like and seeing a commercial for a food/drink that you happen to be eating at the time of watching said commercial. Solid.

*Update*

An astute reader (guy with way too much time on his hands) has pointed out that Jeopardy is on summer hiatus and that this is from last November. Well chalk this one up to me being a doofus.

*Update to the Update*

So the guy who commented is this fellow, Andy Saunders, who I do not know. He's at least an 8.8 on the nerd scale. I think it's weird that Andy hit up a random blog just to correct my shit. I'm seriously thinking of putting Breaking News Jeopardy headlines in every so often just to fuck with him. Poll?

Wordplay of the Day

Courtesy of Weezy:

Safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex
'cause you don't want that late text,
that "I think I'm late" text

Popsicles

I used to have a serious addiction to popsicles. I still will dabble but they are a dangerous beast. I usually had the regular ones. You know orange, grape, cherry (boo) ones. I got them not only because they're great pretty much anytime of day but the Popsicle brand ones come with little jokes on them too. Sometimes the jokes were infuriating. For instance, "What's the wheels favorite song?" Give up? You should because the answer is so asinine and unsatisfying you're just gonna be mad if you try too hard to get it. The answer was, "Merrily We Roll Along." What the fuck? Is that even a real song? Actually it is, and I only know that because my smart ass friend googled it just to prove that he remembered it. He didn't. It's loosely based on "Good Night Ladies" but not it. It's some obscure weird song that a five year old kid (who the popsicles are intended for) is gonna have a 0% chance of knowing. I'm convinced there's some child labor camp making poor 3rd world country kids come up with these ridiculous jokes and all they have is out of date 1930's pamphlets. That's the only explanation as to why they would reference some stupid shit like "Merrily We Roll Along." Anyways, I realized I was having a problem with popsicles when I started getting the same jokes over and over and could consistently answer them all.

Q: What did the boy melon say to the girl melon?
A: We're too young we canteloupe.

Karaoke

I definitely fuck with some Karaoke. Some of my best nights out have been when I go to Karaoke bars. I'm a creature of habit so I tend to stick with my big guns whenever I'm picking songs. You know the basics, Stevie Wonder, "La Isla Bonita" maybe some Bob Marley a Bryan Adams song or two. The classics. Once in a while you have to push the envelope though. For instance, one New Years Eve in DC I decided it would be a good idea to get up there and sing Lionel Richie's, "Hello." Everyone loves this song whether they admit it or not. I'll give you some advice if you want to attempt this one. Make sure as many of your friends are watching when you get up there and butcher the fuck out of this song. Otherwise you run the high risk of looking like the saddest human being on the planet. This happened to me. Luckily I was shitfaced and didn't really notice but for someone else that could potentially be very embarrassing. I bring all this up because I'm debating whether to throw Seal's, "Kiss From A Rose" in the repertoire. Let's break it down:

Upside:

I can sing this in my sleep
Everyone secretly likes it
Dramatic hand and body gestures will definitely be involved

Downside:

Not an upbeat song (always dangerous a la "Hello")
Dramatic hand and body gestures will definitely be involved

So if you see me in the club, I'll be acting real nice. I ain't hear to hurt nobody but I will be singing some karaoke.

The Frugal Gourmet

I had a pretty awesome childhood. I was brought up with good food around all the time. I also got a heavy dose of quality PBS programming. Anyone else remember this guy? He was pretty sweet. The Frugal Gourmet was definitely up there in terms of my favorite cooking shows to watch when I was a kid. Julia Child, Yan Can Cook, and this guy. I was way too young to remember anything he did but he was entertaining and had a certain charm about him. Well, unfortunately he used that charm not only to prepare awesome culinary feats but also to sexually molest and abuse his male kitchen aids. Yeah, Jeff Smith, or the Frugal Gourmet was a total pedophile. That's sad. I guess he was a minister too so someone should have seen it coming (pun intended). Anyways pedophile aside this guy was still pretty cool. Kind of like the Michael Jackson of cooking. RIP Frugmeister.

Lost

Wait, just wait. Yes, I used to hate this show too. In fact I used to seriously look down at anyone who suggested I watch it. It's popular, it's trendy, people like it, basically all the reasons I wouldn't watch a show. But holy fuck in a church this show is amazing. Let's see, about two weeks ago I downloaded the first season and took her out for a spin. I gotta say I was hooked from the git. It's really just a well crafted extremely engaging program that does what it does and does it well. Long story short I marathoned 4 seasons of this show in two weeks. I have many reluctant friends who feel I've gone to the dark-side when I tell them to watch it. Let me give you a list of shows that I have watched in a marathon style. I'll stake my reputation on each and everyone of these programs:

1. The Wire
2. Arrested Development
3. The Larry Sanders Show
4. Mad Men
5. The Office
6. 30 Rock
7. Dexter
8. Weeds (haven't watched this season and I didn't like last season either)

None of those shows are bad. In fact, they're all pretty good. Give Lost a chance and I guarantee you won't be disappointed.